Interlude Six

Fitz.

I blew it. I choked on the words I should have told her three weeks ago. Even if she rejected it then, she would have known. I can’t win this if she doesn’t know. The worst part may be that she was right. If I could only choose one, I would’ve rather Willow known how I felt about her than have been inside of her.

What has become of me?

I stared up at the ceiling, still naked and still reeling. I was so close to everything I’ve wanted for weeks— maybe longer if I was being honest —and I ruined it. The girl still thought all I wanted from her was sex. She just didn’t understand.

If I closed my eyes, I could still feel her kissing me like she felt the same about me as I did about her. With all of that beautiful desire and desperation. I didn’t know what kept making her kiss me back. I pretended I did. Just to try and push her into making it real. If I believed hard enough, does that make it true? If I wanted it badly enough, will it find its way to me? If only, if only.

I was doing the very best that I could. And in the end, it meant less than nothing to her.

Sitting up was harder than I thought it would be. She was gone, leaving me alone in my misery, but she wanted that for me. Misery. Punishment for all the pain I caused her in our short time together. She should never love me for all I’d done to her. She should send me far from her and her family so that I could stop poisoning her life.

If she asked me to leave, I wasn’t sure if I could. Not now. I would follow her wherever she went. I could picture it so clearly. Her trying to hide from the monster as it followed her to the ends of the Earth.

She liked to think that we were like the poor creatures of Peter Pan. Desperate and lost, only having each other. But really, this was Beauty and the Beast. A perfect and sweet girl, only wanting to save the little family she had. Having to do what The Beast said so that she could get it. Hating him all the while as he fell in love with her. This monstrous thing without a heart or a soul. She was his heart and soul. With her, he could be almost human. Without her…he was nothing.

I am nothing.

I stalked off to the bathroom, and set the water to as cold as it could get before I stepped in. I stood there longer than I needed to. It was defeating the purpose of the shower, but I couldn’t stop thinking about Willow and I.

The handful of girls I’d been with never meant more than a couple hours of fun, and I didn’t think I could regret something that meant so little to me. But this girl…she was starting to make me regret so much of myself. I thought about my past, and for the very first time, I felt ashamed. She knew everything I was, and it made her look at me with little more than disgust. She had me thinking about my future, and everything I could be. Everything that some small part of her thought I could be. Not good. Never good. But maybe I could be decent. Maybe one day she could see me as a friend. I knew that there was no chance of getting to be what I wanted to be. She couldn’t love me. She already said that. But I promised that I would never stop trying. It might kill me if I did.

What she didn’t know, what I was just learning, was that I wasn’t Peter at all. I wasn’t the hero who would save everyone in the end. I was just another one of Willow’s Lost Boys. I didn’t care that I wasn’t the hero, or that I never could be, because what I was, was so much more than that.

I was hers. I may only be a Lost Boy, but at least I belonged to her. I’d rather be nothing with her, than everything all alone.

I dressed after my shower, and left the bathroom. Willow’s clothes were scattered all around as a sharp and painful reminder of how this morning could have gone if I hadn’t become a sentimental moron. I picked up the mess, and put it back in her bag. When I held the shirt, I felt a smile on my face. I loved her in it. It tricked me into thinking that her reasons to wear it were more than they were. Like maybe she liked my smell on them. Or she wanted part of me with her. I knew it was a lie I told myself.

There were a few minutes where I wasn’t sure if I was going to join the others. They didn’t want me. Not that it stopped me before. I didn’t care if I wasn’t wanted by the others, but when Willow looked at me with the same fear and hate that her friends did, it shook me.

I went anyway.

I went to Ferris’ and Phin’s room first, since Ferris was the one to ruin/save me. I assumed they would all gather there. When I knocked, Pepper was the one to answer. That little rat was on her shoulder, and she was eating a donut. She didn’t look at me. Instead she just moved aside so I could come in.

Juliet tending to a still sick Phin on the bed while Willow stood with Ferris in the middle of the room.

“Goodie,” Phin said in a raspy voice. “Dickhead is here to make it all so much more fun.”

I glared at him, and leaned against the wall. “How’s it feel knowing you’re the weakest one here, and that you’re probably going to die?”

Juliet shot me a look of hate. “Don’t forget that you’re only here because Willow let you be. The second she gives the word, you’re gone. Saying her brother is going to die won’t win her over.”

“Just ignore him,” Willow said as she crossed her arms. “Nothing he says matters.” For the last part, she looked at me. “He’s only here to help us end this. So deal with him for a little while longer, and he’s gone.”

So she did want me to leave. I guess I already knew that. Everything I had was Willow. If she made me leave… I’d prefer dying in this war than trying to go without her again. Three weeks undid me. A lifetime…wasn’t an option. I was obsessed with her. It was pathetic and foolish, but I couldn’t bring myself to hate it. She was the best thing I ever wanted. I saw redemption when I looked at her.

“Ferris,” she said. “Should we start now?”

He held his wrist out. “Go for it. I’m ready to be your puppet.”

She wrinkled her nose, and put her lips to his wrist. Watching her feed from someone else caused my chest to tighten in the most uncomfortable way. I was her one and only, now she’s tasted so many other people. I knew it wasn’t like it was for us. That was something that— because of the choice I made —she could never have with anyone else. She could find a mate, have children, love her husband more than her own life, be with him a hundred years, and it wouldn’t matter. We were each half of one whole. We shared our souls and our blood. Put us in a room together, and it would always be like pure energy sparking between us.

Willow’s eyes were silver again when she dropped Ferris’s wrist. She moved to the bed, and closed her eyes. “Ready, kiddo?”

He cracked his knuckles. “Have at me, Mama.”

I rolled my eyes at them. The fact that he saw her as a mother and not something else was the only thing keeping him alive. My mate drinking from him should earn a bullet in the heart, but it didn’t mean anything to him. They had an intimacy at the moment that didn’t sit well with me. They could communicate in their heads, and I hated that.

Ferris stood still until the second he started raising his hands in front of him. “Cool.” He smiled.

“It’s working?” Willow asked with closed eyes.

“Yeah. How are you doing it?”

“I’m just thinking about what I want your body to do. Like I’m commanding it or something. Hold on.”

There were a few seconds of silence before Ferris started walking. His eyes were wide with awe as he moved across the room. He started walking on his tiptoes and his arms were out at his sides for balance. “Wow. This is really messed up. But in a cool way.”

Willow asked, “Can you move your body on your own?”

I watched Ferris try to turn around. It took him a few seconds, but he did it.

Willow opened her eyes. “Hmm. So I guess you still have control.”

“It was a struggle, and I was aware of what you were doing. It might have helped. If you were doing this to someone who didn’t know, it might not be something they can do.”

“I have no way of testing that. It only works on people who were born vampires, and that limits my abilities. I doubt a stranger is gonna let me eat them.”

I crossed my arms, and tried not to pout. I didn’t want to watch her feed from more people, but I couldn’t stop her if she did. She wouldn’t listen to me.

“Hey,” Ferris said. “How about you try and make me talk? I bet you can.”

She smiled. “And what would you like to say?”

He shrugged. “Dealer’s choice.”

She focused her eyes on him, and remained perfectly still. Ferris’s fingers twitched, and I wondered if they were talking in their heads. But he didn’t speak. After a few minutes Willow gave up.

“It’s okay,” Ferris said, trying to comfort her. “Maybe you need more of my blood. If you drink more, it can make your control stronger.”

She shook her head. “I don’t want to take more from you. I’ll be stronger, but you’ll be weaker. I don’t have blood for you to drink that will replace what I’m taking.”

Pepper’s hands shook, but she hid them behind her back. “Um, well, if he needs it, I can feed him. Since I’m a demon, it can help more.”

Willow and Ferris both seemed to dislike that plan. Probably because she was so small. Taking blood from her might lay her out.

“You sure about that, Peps?” Ferris set his hands on his sides. “It’s kind of a big deal to drink…right from someone. I’ve never done that before. I don’t wanna hurt you.”

She smiled tightly. “I trust you. And I want to help.”

Phin was too weak to feed two people, so this was the only other option. No way was I letting him feed from Willow.

“Thank you,” the boy said nervously. And then he went back to training with Willow.

***

Over the next few hours, Willow got a better grasp on her power. She still couldn’t make Ferris talk, but after she took more blood, he lost the ability to control his own body. We also learned that the more blood, the longer she could control him. With an ounce, she got around an hour. Ferris still didn’t get more blood from Pepper, so they all had to stop for the night.

Juliet went to the center of the room. “All right then. I think it’s time for hand to hand combat.” She grinned. “Who wants to get their ass kicked first?”

Willow popped up. “I’ll go. I wouldn’t mind throwing you around a little.”

“Aw, you’re so cute. I trained for a decade with people who’ve been doing this for hundreds of years. I’m gonna lay you the fuck out.”

“Try it,” Willow challenged. “I’m stronger than you.”

“Strength means little. You should know that by now. Don’t get cocky and assume you can take on anyone just because you’re the hybrid. This is about strategy and being scrappy when you need to be.”

“Fine then. Teach me what to do.”

I was very glad that this was a bottom level room for all the times Juliet slammed Willow to the floor. I would have killed the girl if she weren’t helping. I needed to let it happen, but I didn’t need to like it. Willow got a few hits in, but it was pure luck. Juliet was too well trained for this.

“You’re going to die if you don’t get better,” Juliet growled at Willow. “Do you understand that?”

“Yeah,” Willow responded just as hostilely. Then she grabbed Juliet by the arm and flipped her to the ground. Willow got on top of her, and held her arms above her head. “This is the first time I’ve done this, so maybe lay off.”

Juliet stared up at her. “We don’t have time to go easy. You’re being sent into a party full of people who might want to kill you. You need to be able to get out alive. If you die, this was all for nothing.”

“I know.” Willow let go of her. “I do. But I’m new to all of this.”

The girls got up to their feet. “Then let me teach you some blocks. It’s almost as important as the actual hitting.”

They went on for another hour before everyone decided they were hungry. I didn’t feel like staying anymore, so I went back to my room. No one would miss me.

I sat on my bed and tried not to look at Willow’s. The ghost of this morning was still haunting me, and it wouldn’t give me peace. Willow wasn’t going to keep letting me touch her like that. Soon, when she gained a little more control, her mind would win out over her body. Then I wouldn’t be able to touch her heart or her skin. What would that do to me?

The door opened, and Willow walked through. She locked the door and went to her bed. She crossed her arms and stared straight ahead. “Are you hungry?” her voice was annoyed and grudging.

The corner of my lips turned up. “A little. Why did you come back? Don’t you wanna eat with your friends?”

She breathed out through her nose. “You were all alone up here. And even though I hate you, I still felt bad. So I came back.”

She ordered us dinner, and it got to us after a silent twenty minutes. We ate on separate beds, because I didn’t want to push it and sit by her. There was more than a good chance she’d stab me in my sleep.

“Are you hurt?” I asked her.

“No. I’ll probably be sore tomorrow, but I’m fine at the moment. Ferris is going to get some training next. After they eat.”

As we ate, it was a real effort not to stare at her. Her pale legs were stretched out in front of her in a little dress that I bought for her last month. The top wasn’t very low, but her collarbone peeked out at the top. Why was she so much sexier when I couldn’t see as much as I wanted to?

Since I was stupid and I liked hurting myself, I asked, “Do you regret this morning?”

She slowly looked to me. “What specifically?”

Hope poked at the back of my head. The fact that she asked might mean she did not regret all of it. “When we almost had sex.”

Her eyes went to the floor. “We shouldn’t have done that. So I guess I’m glad that you decided to start chatting instead of taking my underwear off.”

It was a real effort not to make a sound of surprise. I should have figured that one out. I must be losing my edge more than I thought. “You wanted me to do that? I thought you were hesitating for a reason.”

“And that mattered to you?”

“A little. You were taking off most of the clothes. I thought you wanted the lead.” I was not in my right mind.

She shook her head. “I put your hand on the band and all you did was talk. Not that I’m not grateful for how it turned out, but what the hell was so important that you decided to put off what would have been your little victory?”

She really didn’t know. It felt so obvious to me. Every move I made, how I looked at her. It all felt so desperate, but not in the way she thought. Not anymore. Even knowing what this was, I couldn’t make the words come out. Then and now, it was drowning me. “Nothing, Sugar.”

Her eyebrow went up. “I was naked underneath you, ripping your clothes off, and you just stopped for nothing? I don’t buy it.”

Of course she didn’t. She was too smart for that. “It wouldn’t matter to you even if I said it.”

“You don’t know that.”

“I do.” God, I do.

She looked away from me, and went back to eating. I guess she was done with me. Her patience grew shorter and shorter all the time. Once she was done eating, she got up, and went to shower and change. She went with one of her own shirts and a pair of shorts. So I guess I ruined that one too.

I got up to throw my trash away by the desk. Our room was the cleanest by far, and I wanted to keep it that way. She wasn’t one to leave a mess behind, and I appreciated it. It might be the only thing we had in common. Other than our mutual love of Johnny Cash. Though I gave that to her. On the few occasions I sang her to sleep, it was one of his songs. She always fell asleep with a smile.

Everything felt unnaturally quiet, right up until I heard springs bounce, and felt something land on my back. Willow’s arms went around the front of me, and her legs around my waist.

“DAMMIT!” she shouted. “You’re still standing.”

I laughed. “Was that not the goal?”

She grumbled and huffed. “I thought that maybe if I surprised you, then I could take you down. But no. I’m just as bad at this as Juliet says I am. I’m going to die.”

I grabbed her by the legs, and turned her around with ease. Her eyes were narrowed when she faced me, but I ignored it and sat her on the desk. “You’re not going to die. I’m going to keep you alive until the day I die.”

She frowned. “I can’t stay alive if I can’t fight.”

“You’ll learn. You can’t expect to know it all in a few hours. Juliet is going to keep teaching you what she knows.”

Her lips move to the side, and she looked up at me through her long eyelashes. “You know how to fight too?”

“Of course.”

“So… You could teach me too?”

“In theory.”

“Are you saying no?”

I sighed. “I don’t want to hurt you. Never again.”

She moved off of the desk, and went to her bed. Everything about how she moved said that this wasn’t over. She got under the blankets, and shut out her light, not saying another word. I went to my bed just after I undressed.

This was all just a waiting game. I’d sneak into her bed after she was asleep so that I could sleep too. That first night I tried to stay in my bed. I was up for hours, and I couldn’t slip under. I was next to her for five minutes before I was sleeping.

But she didn’t want me in her bed.

She flat out didn’t want me.

So what did I do now?