CHAPTER 43 — WANTING A CHILD

Raymond didn’t have a choice. He knew the second Millie ran off and he found her wandering in the dark, that he needed to tell his children the truth about Lily.

And he did.

His announcement wasn’t taken very well, forcing him to promise to take them to her to say goodbye.

He hadn’t expected his heart to react the way it had the second he saw Lily, neither had he expected his feet to carry him back to where she stood on the porch after they had said goodbye. Yet, his heart and his feet had done just that, and he was suddenly standing before her, arms wrapped around her, lips locked with hers.

“Come with us.” He leaned down and pressed his lips to her neck. “Forgive me and come with us, Lily, how can I live without you?” His words came out in mere whispers, his heart racing as he kissed her once more.

“I’m pregnant.”

His heart stopped with that statement, fear immediately clouding his mind. He glanced down, his lungs constricting as he stared at her stomach.

She stepped back, shaking her head when he turned his attention back to her.

“You still do not want it.” Tears filled her eyes, staining her face once more.

Raymond knew she was right; he didn’t want it. But as he watched tears stream down her face, the sight of it ripping his heart apart, he knew the love he had for her outweighed his fear of having another child.

She closed her eyes briefly, a soft sigh escaping her lips. Nodding, she said, “Perhaps it is best if we part ways. I will go to Pennsylvania to be with my great aunt.”

“It is too dangerous to travel.” He panicked, fearing for her life.

Her eyes snapped open then. “I’ll be fine,” she said, jaw set.

“I cannot let you put your life at risk...”

“And the life of our child?!” she snapped. “You do not care for it; you care nothing for it!”

He felt frustration settle in the depths of his stomach. Once again, he was trapped. He couldn’t care for the life of an unborn child more than he could care for his wife. He had made that mistake once; he would not make it again.

“I care for your life.” He sighed, weary. “Come home with us, Lily.”

She shook her head, an angry frown settling on her face. “Go home, Raymond.”

He stepped forward as she made to walk away and took her wrist captive, pulling her into his arms. She struggled to be released, but he tightened his hold on her, leaning against her head.

“I cannot leave you.” He breathed slowly, his heart pounding dangerously in his chest. “I do not want another child because I do not want to lose you.” His palms brushed the smoothness of her cotton dress. “I love you.”

She pressed her palms to his chest and shoved him back. “I want you to want this child.” She shook her head, tears slipping down her cheeks as she turned from him.

He watched helplessly as she made her way into the building and slammed the door shut.

***

Fiona turned from Lily, tired of the conversation. She didn’t want to hear about the man who had ruthlessly brutalized her body and had escaped. She, instead, wanted to close her eyes and dream of a different man, one who didn’t want her because he was already in love with someone else. She frowned, wondering what Raymond saw in Lily. Perhaps she didn’t even care for their relationship as much as she cared about his rejection of her.

“Do you need anything?”

She shook her head, tired of Lily’s presence. A rustle of fabrics followed her actions, followed by a knock on the door. She heard Lily’s footsteps make their way across the room and finally opened the door.

“Mrs. McAllister, you have visitor’s downstairs.” The announcement piqued Fiona’s interest.

She waited until she heard the lock clicking, before rising to a sitting position and placing one foot after the other on the floor, the furry carpet tickling her feet. Her muscles ached, but she ignored the pain and went to stand by the window, hoping to see Lily’s mysterious visitor.

Gasping loudly, she pressed her hands to the windowpane as she watched Lily with the children. Raymond stood by the side, apparently not speaking. She stood by the window for a few more minutes until she watched Raymond’s usher his children to the wagon. The youngest seemed hysterical, but the window pane restricted Fiona’s ability to hear sounds.

A smile settled on her face the second Raymond climbed onto the front of the wagon and took hold of the reins. She released a sigh of relief and made to turn around, when he suddenly released his hold on the reins and jumped down. He raced back up the stairs, pulling Lily into his arms and kissing her.

Tears blurred Fiona’s vision in the instant. Furious, she drew the curtains close and turned from the window.

Surely, she couldn’t lose Raymond! Her hands trembled. She couldn’t lose him, not after all she had lost, not after everything she had suffered. He was the one thing she wanted, and the mere thought of losing him grieved her greatly.

Weak, she crawled into bed and gave in to her tears. Perhaps it was time to leave Texas, to carry on with her life and try to forget Raymond. The thought alone filled her with unspeakable horror. She was suddenly desperate, desperate to gain his attention. If she couldn’t gain his love, surely, she could gain his attention. She longed for him, her body lusted over him and she feared if she didn’t get him, she would lose her mind.

She laid in bed for several minutes, drifting to sleep after a while.

The sound of the door opening woke her up. Groaning in frustration, she sat upright in bed and opened her mouth to lash out at the maid, when her eyes caught sight of Lily’s yellow dress.

“Lily?” She straightened.

“I brought your meal,” she was saying as she carried the tray to Fiona’s bedside and placed it on the bed.

Fiona’s lips fell open, surprised. Shaking her head, she said, “No, not food. I need a walk.” She sighed. “Help me, Lily.” She held out a hand to her.

“Perhaps.” Lily smiled, taking hold of Fiona’s hand and helping her down the side of the bed.

Fiona’s heart pounded as they made their way through the hallway, her mind scheming for ways to get rid of Lily. Perhaps Raymond would want her when he didn’t have to worry about Lily’s presence.

Stopping in her tracks, Fiona pulled away from Lily. “Go ahead, I must grab my scarf first.”

“Let me help.” Lily turned around.

“No! I need to do things myself, Lily, I must recover.”

“Are you certain?” Fiona nodded, urging her ahead. “Very well.” She turned from Fiona then.

Fiona watched as she made to take the first step down the stairs. Without stopping to think for the slightest second, she reached out suddenly and pushed her forward, stepping back as Lily lost her footing.

With a smile now creasing her face, she watched as Lily continued to fall down the long staircase, the sound of her body scrapping the wooden stairs, filling Fiona with unspeakable joy.

The fall lasted a few seconds, after which there was silence as Lily’s form laid still at the bottom of the stairs.