CHAPTER 42 — GOODBYE

Scarlet sat on the front porch, feet tapping impatiently on the wooden stairs as she waited for her father’s return, praying desperately he would return with Millie and all the while blaming herself for not monitoring Millie.

Tears stung her eyes, heart pounding in her chest with every second that ticked by. She would blame herself if Millie got hurt, she would blame herself and she would never get past the guilt.

Surely, they needed a mother, she reluctantly admitted to herself in the darkness, tears streaming down her cheeks. She could never be good enough for her siblings, she could never give them the care they needed. But what choice did she have? What else could she do when every mother they ever had left them? And Papa, they were losing him a second time, and she was powerless to stop it.

The weight of the world settling on her shoulders, she buried her head in her knees and gave in to her tears. Tears soaked her night dress, wetting her skin. Her body trembled even as she continued to cry for several more minutes until the distinct sound of footsteps contacting the sandy path drifted to her.

Her head snapped up in that minute, her hands flying to her face and sweeping her tears away as she sprung to her feet.

“Papa!” She hurried down the stairs to find him approaching the building with Millie in his arms. Releasing a deep breath, she raced to him and flung her arms around him. “Papa!” she cried against his torso, wetting his shirt.

She couldn’t stop. Not when she felt him patting her head, not when he whispered soothingly against her hair, not when he wrapped his arms around her shoulder and kissed her head. She cried that evening until she was crying herself back to sleep.

***

“He left town.” Lily broke the news to Fiona, heart aching as she stared into Fiona’s tired eyes. “I’m so sorry, Fiona.”

“Nonsense!” Fiona waved her off. “Do not feel sorry for me, Lily, I will never see the animal again.”

Lily wondered at Fiona’s indifference at being raped and having the perpetrator of the act escape before he could get arrested. Fiona, however, made it clear when she turned from Lily that morning that she did not wish to continue with the topic.

For a short while, Lily sat by Fiona’s bedside, studying her. Color had returned to her skin and most of her bruises were gone, but the scratches and cuts on her skin were quite glaring, making her ordeal—even if it had been nearly two weeks since it happened—quite apparent.

“Do you need anything?” Fiona shook her head slightly.

Nodding, Lily rose to her feet and patted the front of her skirt. Her fingers brushed her stomach slightly, reminding her of the life that laid within. She needed to travel, to move far away from Raymond, to be with her great aunt, where she knew her, child would be safe. The longer she stayed in the boarding house, the more difficult it became to embark on such a journey. She would not only be risking her life; she would risk the child’s. In only a matter of weeks, her stomach was most likely going to get bigger, announcing to the world at large that she was pregnant—she needed to leave immediately, but she couldn’t leave Fiona in such a state.

A soft knock on the door pulled her back to the present. Crossing the room, she turned the doorknob and pulled it open.

“Mrs. McAllister, you have visitor’s downstairs.” Fiona’s maid stood by the doorway.

Lily opened her mouth to inquire about the visitor, but decided against it. A part of her knew it was Raymond, and while she didn’t think she could see him in that moment, she knew she had to. The last time he had shown up, he had asked for a divorce and had handed her a document to sign. Perhaps he had returned for it.

Releasing a sigh, she nodded to the maid and stepped out of the room. She made her way through the hallway and pushed her bedroom door wide open. The document sat on the table, untouched. She hadn’t opened it since the day he placed it on her bed. She had been so busy caring for Fiona she had forgotten about it.

Flipping open the page, she leaned down and searched for the part that demanded her signature. She wouldn’t read it, she decided. She would sign it and take it to Raymond.

Once she finished, she picked it up and made her way out of the room and down the stairs to the parlor; the room stood empty. Turning from the parlor, she made her way to the front door and pulled it open.

“Mama!” Something bumped into her the second the door gave way before her. Glancing down, her eyelids widened as she glimpsed the familiar brown head little girl, her arms tightening their hold around her.

A soft gasp escaped her lips as she leaned down and wrapped her arms around Millie. “Oh,” she murmured, kissing her cheek.

Millie buried her face in her chest, arms reaching up and wrapping around her neck. Her heart pounded loudly in her chest as she held the child in her arms, tears streaming down her face. She missed them; she missed them beyond words could describe.

When she pulled away from Millie and rose to her feet, she found Raymond standing before her, all five children standing beside him. Her eyes scanned their weary faces, each questioning what their next action should be. Stepping forward, she bent to her knees and held her arms out to them. They stood still for a few more seconds, after which Josie stepped forward and fell into her arms.

A soft sigh escaped her lips as she leaned against Josie’s head. She felt a different set of arms wrap around her, and after a few more seconds, every child encircled her. She held them close, barely able to wrap her arms around them all, yet longing desperately to do so. She wanted to be in their lives forever, to love them for as long as they allowed her to do so. She didn’t want to lose them; she cried within, heart melting. She didn’t want to say goodbye to any of them.

After a while, they pulled away, every child except Millie who stood clinging to her.

“I brought them to say goodbye.” She raised her teary gaze to Raymond. “I’m sorry,” He rubbed his neck nervously, “I shouldn’t have stopped you from doing so when you came.”

Releasing a breath, she patted Millie’s head lovingly and nodded to his words. “Thank you.” They stared at each other for a long while, neither person speaking nor moving. She wanted to pull him into her arms, to hold him forever, but as Millie’s arms tightened around her waist, she was reminded of the life that was rapidly growing within her and the fact that he wouldn’t accept it. “I signed the papers,” she said, breaking the silence between them as her eyes scanned the ground behind her for it. She found it by the door where it had slipped from her hold when she leaned down to hug Millie. “Wait here, Millie.” She unwrapped Millie’s arms from around her and made her way to the door, leaning down to retrieve the now squeeze document. She turned back around and handed the document to him.

He glanced down at it for a few seconds, before lifting his eyes to her. Nodding slowly, “We’re leaving the farm and moving back to Salt Lake.”

She backed away suddenly, his announcement feeling like a slap to her face. For a few seconds, she couldn’t breathe as she stood staring at him.

“I guess you—” her eyes fell to the ground, “you should get going then.” She couldn’t look at him. She couldn’t do anything but stand there and fight the overwhelming urge to cry as she listened to Millie’s protests as Raymond ushered the children to the wagon. She wanted to race after them, but she stood still, staring at the ground.

Everything in her knew she wouldn’t be alright, she knew she would never be complete without Raymond and the children, but against her better judgment, she stood frozen to the spot, her eyes planted on the ground.

Unable to withhold her tears, she let them fall. They slipped down her cheeks easily, her heart aching as she watched her tears fall to the ground before her feet.

“Lily.”

Stunned, she raised her head to find Raymond standing before her once more. He reached forward without a word and touched her face, his hand slipping down the side of her face and brushing her tears away. She tried to speak as he worked, but her words wouldn’t form. Her emotions choked her, forming a lump in her throat.

He withdrew his hand then, leaving the side of her face where his hand had once laid, feeling bare.

“Don’t take the children away from me,” she whispered brokenly, staring into his eyes and expecting him to refuse her request. She knew they weren’t biologically her children, and she knew she had no say in their lives, but so much more than that, she knew she didn’t want to lose them.

Still, it was, however, Raymond’s choice to make. He could end their marriage and take his children away from her. He could move on with another mail-order bride, finding happiness away from her. But the case would never be the same with her—she would be left empty and forced to raise a child of her own all by herself.

The feeling of something warm against her cheek gained her attention. When she glanced up, she found Raymond staring down at her, his eyes filled with emotions she wasn’t sure about. She would have dismissed the look in his eyes to be nothing but mere pity, if he hadn’t leaned down in that second, her lips exploding with warmth as he pressed his lips to hers.

She pressed her eyelids together as his arms encircled her, pulling her against his solid chest. Drinking in the familiar scent of his skin, she settled into his arms and returned his kiss.

“Come with us,” he finally whispered against her lips, leaning down slightly and kissing her neck. “Forgive me and come with us, Lily. How can I live without you?”

His words echoed in her heart, as her lips parted and she heard herself saying, “I’m pregnant.”