Fallen In Love

Fallen In Love
Rachael's POV

"Have you ever resulted in self-harm before?" The voice sounded distant as memories ran through my mind. "Miss, Rachael?"

I snapped out of my trance and looked up, only to find a pair of green eyes staring back at me with curiosity and patience. I cleared my throat before sitting up straight.

This time, I tried to pay attention to my shrink who seemed confused as she stared at me. I couldn't tell why I had picked her, but the moment I saw the post online and the comments of how she'd helped people, I was curious. And I caved the instant I saw her... Was it her green eyes that matched mine that made me come to schedule an appointment with her?

I still couldn't tell, but she'd been the only person keeping me sane. Especially during these days when I felt like I was drowning from the inside. The loss of Derek shouldn't have affected me so much, but unfortunately, it did. Occasionally, I became scared because I had never felt this way even when my father passed.

I would rather not acknowledge the feeling. No, I just wanted to understand if there was a way to leave with pain, and Dr. Penelope had been doing her part to help me. It was one thing to find a therapist and another to actually be comfortable with them. But thankfully I was lucky enough to meet Dr. Penelope.

She arched her brow when I remained silent, and I quickly remembered her question. Have I ever committed self harm? I had tried many things before, including suicide and I feared that much would make her loss for words, but I had to relent and reveal things that I'd normally never tell to a stranger.

"Yes, but all my attempts were suicidal. I have tried drowning myself, slitting my wrist, jumping off a building and even drank poison once. All my attempts were futile due to..." I trailed off, looking down as my face burned from embarrassment.

"Was it Derek? You've made mention of him before, adding to your trauma. I'd like to know what other way he has hurt you," she said with a professional tone. I looked at her, skeptical about how much I should reveal.

I knew there was no point hiding things from her if I needed help, but the mention of Derek always had my inside twisted in pain. And there was no way I could discuss my life without mentioning his name. He had somehow played a major role in my life.

"He was a complicated man. He kept me in his mansion for months or more... I'm not certain," this was the fourth session, but I felt like I had told her that already. I should just let it out and be done with this.

"I. I used to think that he was responsible for my father's death, but recently, I discovered that he wasn't responsible for it. I hated him because of it, it's just..." I shrugged, unable to find a proper word.

"Did he ever hurt you or treated you in a certain kind of way? Some people can mentally hurt you. I'm talking about gaslighting, manipulating and reducing your self-worth," she said but as I thought about it, I couldn't think of any incident that Derek ever did what she mentioned.

"No. I think my hate for him made me believe that he had been hurting me. I thought he killed my father, so I also saw whatever he did as a punishment. I thought he hated me, not knowing it was the other way around. I had been hurting myself and I blamed him for it," the realization hurt more.

I had spent so many nights cursing at him, all for a lie. I had never tried to ask him if he really had a hand in my father's death. I had stuck to my belief without giving him a listening ear, and now it felt like a punch to the gut.

My stepfather wasn't a good man. In fact, everyone in my life wasn't good, but Derek was the first person who gave me attention and made me feel things I had never felt before. His dark humor, smirk and those silver eyes that only softened when they looked at me.

He was the only man I had become willing to accept me beside his flaws. He never hid who he was from me, nor made me believe in a fake fairy tale. He made me have a taste of the bitter world before bringing me back into safety. Into his arms.

"So from what I've gathered, I noticed you always have a sad look in your eyes whenever you speak of him. When you found out that he wasn't your father's killer, how did you feel?" She asked a very valid question.

I had felt many things with Derek. Anger, pain, shame, and confusion but for the first time I felt lost, regret and frustration that I had been wrong alone.

"It felt like I had been punishing myself by blaming him even though he was patient, caring, and devoted to me. He told me countless times how I made him feel. I was the only one pushing him away and hurting myself," I finally admitted.

She nodded with a thoughtful look. "At any point, did you feel like pushing all your troubles away and giving into him?" She asked.

"Yes. I had felt tempted to give in to him several times. But I guess my hate was too strong," speaking to her made me realize so many things. Sometimes it was good to admit your wrongs, and I had learned that the hard way.

"There's a possibility that you've been hating him not because of your assumptions of his involvement in your father's death, but because you feared what you truly felt deep down. Your hate towards him was just a camouflage. So I'll ask you, Rachael, aside from your strong hate for him, what exactly did you feel for him?"

I swallowed the lump as I rubbed my sweaty palms together. My gaze darted around as I thought about what I had been avoiding all this time. I feared acknowledging my feelings for Derek, but I guess it was the perfect time to let everything out.

"I... I sometimes feel lost but aside from my hatred I felt towards him..." I sighed softly. "I had fallen in love with you. The knowledge of that made me hate him even more because I thought I shouldn't feel something like that for an enemy. I guess I hated myself for not being able to control my feelings."

There, I said it, and it felt like a heavy rock had lifted my shoulder. I felt lighter without the heavy thought of losing myself and my sanity.

"I understand why it took you so long to admit it but believe that was what had been holding you down. I'm glad that you've taken off the burden, now you can hopefully move on from your past and try to see the bright side of things. It's true that sometimes hate comes from love that you fear to accept. I do hope that your case wouldn't be the same," she said, with a soft smile that made me sigh in relief.

She was entirely right, and even though I couldn't sleep well at night, I'd been somehow relieved that I had finally put a label to what I felt for Derek. I wished I had said this to him instead.

I said goodbye to my shrink before leaving. As I walked through the lively street, I kept thinking about everything that had happened recently. I had achieved my dreams of being a singer, and now I had been signed under the biggest recording label. It felt good and everyday I woke up with a smile. However, I felt empty as I came back to an empty house and slept with a frown.

I missed him so much that it hurt. I couldn't believe it took losing him for me to realize how much I had taken him for granted.

My steps slowed down as I stared at the bar at the corner. Maybe I should wash the feeling with strong alcohol. It'd be my first time, but I needed a distraction to sleep early tonight. Insomnia wasn't a good thing, so I made my way towards the bar.

The sound of slow music in the background, warm light and clicking of bottles made me slowly relax. I made my way to the bar, thankfully I knew a lot about drinks, so I ordered the strongest drink they had and drowned in the sharp taste of the alcohol while thinking of how miserable I had become every day.