Chapter Twenty

Later that evening, I lay awake in bed; unable to sleep as I recount everything. As I toss and turg, frustration gets the better of me, and I sit up. “What am I supposed to do?” I groan to myself, throwing my head into my hands.

After Chad proposed, I told him I needed time to think about it. I couldn’t bring myself to just say ‘no.’ Taking a minute for a response, I told him to give me some time, to which he looked like he had been kicked. I hated myself for making him feel that way, but he also sprung a crazy idea on me. I mean, we had just started dating. Sure, we’ve known each other for years, but isn’t it still too soon?

Is it right or fair to marry someone you didn’t love? Of course, I love Chad, but I’m not in love with him… I’m still in love with Liam. Even though I am nothing more than a thorn in his side, I was still inexplicably in love with him. How could I still consider marrying Chad when I knew I didn’t love him? Would I be able to love him the way I love Liam one day?

Knock, knock.

I get out of my bed to see who could be knocking on my bedroom door at this late hour.

“Oscar?” My voice questions in hushed confusion. “It’s two in the morning, what are you still doing up? You have school in the morning.”

His face was puffy as he stared at me with wide brown puppy dog eyes. His short black hair was disheveled from tossing and turning all night. “Can I come in?”

“Um… Sure…” I reply, becoming even more mystified.

He walks into my room as I close the door behind us, Oscar walks straight toward my bed, sitting at the foot as he played with a loose thread from his shorts. A look of hesitation on his face as he tries to find the words he wants to express.

“So… What’s wrong?” I ask becoming awkward. I’m still not used to this side of Oscar.

“I was just wondering if you had found a place yet…” He finally states, not looking at me.

“Oh…” I start with disappointment. “Not yet.”

Oscar nods his head, not responding.

“So… is that what’s really bothering you?” I question skeptically. “You’re losing sleep because you weren’t sure if I found somewhere else to live yet?”

“Then why are you still awake?” He counters defensively. “Last time you didn’t sleep and eat, you ended up in the hospital! Shouldn’t you be sleeping?” He continued in aggravation.

I was taken aback by his words. “I just… I just have a lot of my mind…” I admit.

“Like what?” His face contorted, wondering what was causing me problems.

“I appreciate your concern, but I don’t think you can help me…”

He looks at me irritated. “If you don’t tell me, I’ll tell our parents you aren’t sleeping again.”

“Are you blackmailing me?” I continue in surprise.

Oscar shrugs his shoulders. “If it’s the only way to get you to talk,” he replied while raising his brows, “instead of allowing yourself to believe that you have to deal with it alone, then yes.” Smugness filled his voice.

Pausing for a second, the thought occurred to me, was he saying he cared enough about me that he is actually worried? “Fine…” I retort begrudgingly, sitting down beside him on the bed, I begin. “But you have to promise me that you are not going to tell anyone.”

“Is it that bad?” He asked in surprise. “Did you murder someone?”

I stare at him provoked, while rolling my eyes, I say, “No,” then with a deep sigh I falter. To be honest, I really didn’t want to be talking about this. Especially not with Oscar. “After my date with Chad tonight, we were at the riverbank and he…” I stop. Should I really be talking about this with a twelve-year-old?

“What did he do?” Oscar demanded as anger started to fill his voice.

Seeing him become so protective made me smile a little. I never thought I would see him react like this. The smile was short-lived as I started again, “He asked me to marry him…”

“What?” He responded baffled. His eyes widened in disbelief at what I had just told him.

Staring at the opposite wall as my mind began to race, I suddenly continued, “He professed his feelings for me and asked me to marry him.”

Oscar’s voice became serious. “What did you say?”

Giving a weak smile, “I told him I’d think about it.”

“Really?” He asked in astonishment. “You’re seriously going to consider it?”

“Well, what else am I supposed to do?” I countered.

“Tell him no.”

“That’s easy for you to say.”

“Maybe so, but you have only been on two dates together. You don’t just run off and get married after being together for only two days.”

“We’ve known each other for years,” I contest. “Even though it seems fast, we know everything about each other.”

“That doesn’t mean anything.” He retorts.

I let out a sigh of defeat, falling backward into the bed. “It’s complicated,” I respond with a yawn as my eyes grew heavy. Even though it didn’t solve anything, I felt a lot lighter sharing my worries and it put my mind at ease.

“It doesn’t have to be though,” He states, yawning also.

“I wish it wasn’t,” I mumbled, falling asleep.

Beep, beep. Beep, beep.

I let out a groan, searching for my phone to turn the alarm off with my eyes still shut. But I couldn’t find it. Sitting up, I realized I was still at the end of my bed, feet away from my nightstand where my phone’s alarm continued to beep.

Sitting up, I rubbed my eyes before getting up to shuffle towards the annoying noise which disturbed my rest. After turning the alarm off, I notice that Oscar had fallen asleep next to me.

My heart burst as I watched him sleeping. He looked so cute while he was asleep. His face wasn’t contorted into the cynical stare he always had. At this moment, he looked peaceful. Too bad I have to wake him up… I thought as I started shaking his shoulder.

The rest of my day was long and boring. I didn’t run into Liam, nor had I seen Chad. After I finished my classes, I met up with Dawn and Ellen. They were at a playground near Ellen’s house since she was babysitting her niece. While Ellen was keeping a watchful eye on her niece, Dawn and I kept her company.

The playground was loud with a lot of children running around screaming and laughing. We stood at a set of swing sets with Ellen as she pushed her niece on the swing. The cute little girl laughed as she went back and forth.

“So, how did your date with Chad go last night?” Dawn asks in curiosity with a smile playing on her lips.

“It was good,” I respond without enthusiasm.

“You don’t sound too happy about it,” She retorted, examining me.

I told my friends about the amusement park and the long walk we had as they listened attentively. Then, I told them about the encounter we had at the café with Ember and Liam.

“Seriously?” Ellen says rolling her eyes.

“Don’t pay them no mind,” Dawn replies annoyed.

“That’s not even the end of what happened…” I continued gravely. Recounting Chad’s exact words as he declared his love for me and then proposed.

“He what?” My friends responded in bewilderment.

“Yeah…” I reply in amazement.

“What did you say?” Dawn demanded vehemently.

“That I’ll think about it.”

“You’re too nice. I would’ve slapped him,” She replied. “In fact, I might just go find him and do just that right now.” She continued, taking out her phone to call him.

“Don’t!” I shout.

“Has he lost his mind? Have you lost your mind?” Dawn retorted. “You should have told him no! It’s too soon.”

“So, I’m crazy for even considering it, aren’t I?” I question sadly.

“Yes!” Dawn yells.

I let out a sigh. “I just don’t want him to hate me for it.”

“Which would you rather,” Ellen started. “Would you rather him hate you now and get over it, or would you want to hate yourself for going through with something thoughtlessly?”

“I never said I would or wouldn’t,” I respond defensively.

“Again, you are giving him hope,” Dawn interjects.

“He would still be left with hope if I told him it is too soon.”

“I have a question,” Ellen states. “Why are you afraid of him hating you if you just say it is too soon?”

I stare at her blankly.

“You are dating him because you want to fall out of love with Liam and hopefully, fall for him, right?” Ellen poses.

“Y-yeah…” I reply guiltily.

“Then you know that you can’t marry him,” She continues. “Tell him it is too soon if need be, but to be honest, I don’t see you and him lasting.” She waved her hand like what she said was nothing.

“But…” I stammer. What am I doing? Am I being as cruel as Liam? Letting out a sigh, I start, “I guess I’ll meet up with him later tonight then…”

***

At work, I had a three-hour shift because Mr. Brians didn’t want me to exert myself. He wants me to slowly build my hours up to make sure I don’t hurt myself again. After my shift ended, it was evening. I walk to the park Chad and I visited where we had our picnic, which was just down the road from my work.

When I arrived, I sit at a bench that was further away from the pond. After texting Chad to meet me here, I sat and watched the sunset as I waited on him. It didn’t take long for him to show up, anxiously sitting down beside me. We sit awkwardly next to each other, unsure of how to start a conversation as the sun starts to go down.

It is now at that stage of the evening where everything is weirdly lit. That point in the day when it’s hard to make your eyes focus from the dim lighting.

Chad clears his throat. “Have you thought about it any?” He questions, his voice trembling from anxiety.

I don’t look at him, those baby blue eyes always make me feel guilt-ridden. But even without staring at him, I couldn’t make myself say no. “I… Um… I need more time to think…” Stammering, I couldn’t find a solution. “Th-there’s a lot going on right now with needing to find somewhere to live, not to mention with work and school…”

He frowns with a clenched jaw.

Becoming nervous, I try to explain further. “Not to mention, we have only been officially dating for two days.”

Suddenly he started a bit harshly, “It may seem selfish of me as well as that I’m rushing, but I have been in love with you for almost eleven years!” Aggravation filled his voice.

“Chad… You may have been in love with me, but I was in love with someone else…” I admit sadly.

“So… Where does that leave me? Where does that leave us?” He questioned angrily. “Do you just want to torture yourself watching Liam live his life?”

“No…” I respond sadly, wondering why he was trying to provoke me.

“Well, at the rate you are going, you will always be the one on the outside looking in.” He retorts bluntly.

I clench my jaw, fighting back the urge to smack him.

“Were you just toying with me when you kissed me?” He continues accusingly.

“No!” I yell at him. “All I’m trying to tell you is that you need to give me more time.” Becoming angrier, tears started to fill my eyes. “Just because we went on a couple of dates does not mean I fell in love with you, just like that! I mean… What if I’m just not ready to be married yet?”

His eyes burned with rage. “Will you ever be able to love anyone besides him?”

“I don’t know…” I reply honestly.

Chad looked as though he wanted to fight someone. “So you are saying you don’t know if you could ever love me.”

“But that doesn’t mean I’m not willing to try…” I continued, trying to calm myself down. “And I want to try with you…”

He stares at me with his jaw tense. His eyes were still fiery with an accusatory glare. But then his eyes and face suddenly softened. “I’m sorry,” He apologizes guiltily. “I didn’t mean to get so frustrated.”

I was confused by his sudden surrender. “Ok… So can we leave wedding plans and long-term commitment goals in the future, please?” I retort.

“Sure,” he replies with a smile as he begins leaning his head closer to mine.

“What are you doing?” I ask, pulling my head away.

“I was going to kiss you,” he states, still drawing closer. “Isn’t that what couples do after they are done fighting?” His voice was soft and seductive, while his eyes filled with lust.

“Well, I’m still mad at you,” I retort, pushing his head back. “So, I don’t want to.”

Chad stands up, turning towards me. His big hands grab my arms as he kneels to get on my level while I still sit at the bench. “Won’t you forgive me?” His blue eyes were filled with hurt and desperation.

I stand up, pushing his hands off of my arms. “Not right now. I want to go home,” I demanded.

Starting to walk away from him, Chad grabs my right arm, spinning me into his arms, holding me tightly. “Please stay here with me…” He says desperately, placing his face in the nape of my neck.

Trying to push him off, I start, “Chat, you’re scaring me…” my voice almost a whisper, as fear started to consume me. I was suddenly thrown back to the time at the lake when that strange man was holding on to me, unwilling to let me go. I started to panic. I couldn’t breathe.

He begins kissing my neck, ignoring my plea.

“Chad, stop it!” Refusing to allow myself to just stand there helplessly, I press my hands against his chest, trying to shove him off of me but he is too strong.

His lips kissed my neck, slowly creeping up to my lips.

“I said no!” Pulling my face away from him. “Chad! Stop it!”

He ignored my cries, continuing his attempt to get me to kiss him, to show him some “affection,” whether I was willing to or not.

At that moment, even though I was trying to fight back, I felt completely helpless, which I did not like. “Chad, stop it now!” I shout, kicking him in the shin.

He lets go of me to grab his leg, breaking him out of whatever type of trance he was under.

This is when I ran as Chad called after me. But I continued to run until I get close to home.

Tears started to fill my eyes as I stood at the corner of the street on which the Halls lived. I couldn’t go home just yet even though I wanted to hide in my bed more than anything, but I knew everyone was still awake, and seeing me this upset, crying, they would worry.

Instead of going straight home, I decided to walk around the neighborhood as I quietly sobbed to myself. I really do find trouble wherever I go…

What got into Chad? I wondered to myself, walking on the sidewalk of the streets in the quiet neighborhood. The streetlamps were on, lighting my path. It was very well lit, so I didn’t worry about anyone lurking around the corners. The houses were lit up with families inside enjoying their night together. I envied them as I roamed around the streets alone, crying.

Why did he do that? Was he always capable of doing something like that? He didn’t acknowledge any of my objections. Every time I cried ‘no’ or ‘stop’ he just held on to me tighter, trying to force me to kiss him back.

My mind was racing. I never thought Chad was able of doing something so horrible.

What would he have done if I wasn’t able to escape? No, I can’t think like that… I got away, that’s what is important… But what is it about me that brings out the worst in people?

At the end of the street, I wondered what direction I should go now. Left. I’ll go left. Walking away from home as I continued fighting with myself.

Should I try to even rationalize what just happened? I have been unintentionally giving him hope for years now. Does he think I have been as cruel to him as Liam has been to me? Could I even forgive him for that? Should I? Am I crazy to be wondering about whether I should or not? Even if I do, I don’t see how this “relationship” will work anymore… I’m afraid to be near him now…