Chapter 12 — Jack

Jack had driven so far and for so long that he could have been halfway back to Boston by the time he got back to Silver Lake. And Boston is where he probably should have gone.

But no matter how many times he tried to leave, something kept pulling him back.

Not something.

Someone.

Calvin.

Jack was sitting in his car, parked in his parents’ driveway, hours after he had left the bookstore. Should he go back? Calvin had probably already left for the day.

And even if he hadn’t, what would Jack say?

Was there anything left to say, aside from each of them offering more apologies?

Hadn’t they both already apologized enough? Calvin for what he’d done, and Jack for how he’d responded.

He was disappointed in himself that he had let one innocent kiss make him question his sexuality for years afterward.

It had taken him a long time—and a few failed relationships with women along the way—to realize that he still wasn’t sure what it all meant. He didn’t think he was gay. Maybe bi?

He could objectively say he’d been attracted to women. He’d been engaged to a woman, for God’s sake. But he couldn’t follow through when it had really mattered, when it had been time to walk down the aisle with her.

There had been some attraction there, of course. Just nothing more. No special chemistry.

No spark.

Jack fished his phone from his pocket and brought up Calvin’s number, but couldn’t make himself dial it.

He wanted to call. He wanted to fix this.

He wanted to tell Calvin that out of all the women and men Jack had ever met in his life, there had only ever been one person he’d shared that special chemistry with—only one person who had ever made him feel that spark.

It had only ever been Calvin.

How did Jack even begin to tell him that, though? And what would it mean? What would it do to the friendship they had only just started to rekindle?

You deserved to have this conversation ten years ago.

Those had been Jack’s words to Calvin earlier. He’d somehow had the balls to say at least that much, and it had been true. Calvin did deserve that much, and more.

Jack stared at his phone screen. If he couldn’t call, maybe he could at least send a text. Maybe it would be easier to write his feelings down. He typed out a quick message and sent it before he could change his mind again.

Hey. I’m sorry I left like that earlier.

The reply was almost immediate, thank God. Waiting for just the few seconds it had taken had almost been unbearable.

That’s okay. I understand.

Jack frowned. What was he supposed to say now? It was impossible to tell if Calvin was upset from that text, even though Jack knew he had to be.

I was thinking about a marketing plan for the bookstore. Can I come over and tell you about it?

It was a lie. A marketing plan was the last thing Jack had been thinking about that day. Even as he typed it out, he realized how absurd it sounded.

But he needed to say something, and that was all he could come up with. At least it would hopefully be enough to get him face to face with Calvin again.

Then, maybe Jack would be able to continue the conversation he’d run away from earlier.

Maybe.

I’m home. If you want to come by and talk about that stuff, that’s fine.

Jack sighed as he read Calvin’s reply. It was maddeningly free of any emotion—not that Jack was the best at figuring out emotions over text, but he was pretty sure these responses from Calvin were about as neutral as they could get.

Which was… good? Maybe?

At least they weren’t angry responses. And at least Calvin hadn’t said not to come over.

Those were definitely good signs. Right?

Jack typed out one more message and sent it before starting his car again and putting his phone away.

I’ll be right over.

He still didn’t know what he would say when he got there. At least if he chickened out of having The Talk, he could at least fall back on his lame marketing plan excuse.

And then? If Jack left Calvin’s house tonight without bringing up the subject that was clearly on both of their minds?

He really wouldn’t have any reason to stay in Silver Lake.

Because as hard as he’d tried, he couldn’t just leave that kiss in the past. And he couldn’t go on pretending that he’d forgotten about it, either. Not with someone he had considered his closest friend.

Not with Calvin.

If Jack couldn’t bring himself to talk about this with Calvin, he really didn’t see how either of them could say they were still friends. A friend like Calvin deserved more.

He deserved the truth.