Chapter 68

"Thank you, guys, for tonight. I hope you all feel better." I say smiling at the group.

Everyone smiles and stands up to leave. I sigh and make my way to the desk so I can lock up.

The door opens and I glance up.

"What are you doing here?" I ask curiously.

"Came to say goodbye."

"I thought you already did that a few nights ago."

"Yeah, well. That didn't feel resolved."

"Carter." I sigh.

"Cassandra. I'm sorry. Okay? I'm sorry I was an ass all those times, I'm sorry I sent you mixed messages. Mostly I'm sorry I never told you how I felt. I shouldn't have left you guessing."

"Why are you telling me this now?" I ask furrowing my brow. I hear his footsteps get closer.

"I need you to know that I heard you, I am going to get help. I'm not asking you to wait for me because that would be selfish, but I need you to know, you're it for me. When I come back, I'll be ready."

Then he kisses me and it's full of all the unspoken words we have never said. When he pulls away, I watch him retreat. I lean against the counter wondering what just happened.

I clear my throat and finish cleaning up so I can go home. The entire drive I replay his words in my head.

Sure, he says that now. But things change. In a matter of minutes everything you think you know can change. I shove him out of my head and shut the engine off.

It starts to rain so I high tail it inside.

"Hey, sweetie." Mom smiles up at me from her place on the couch with Ang.

"Hey. How was tonight?"

"Good as usual. Since you're here I'll head home. Get some sleep girls. I love you." She says kissing us both before going to her car.

I snuggle into Ang and breathe her in.

"Mommy?" She says sleepily.

"Yes, angel?"

"Will we see Carter again?"

"I don't know baby." I say honestly.

I pick her up and carry her to her bed before tucking her in and settling down for a story.

She chooses Cinderella, her recent favorite.

By the end she's sound asleep. I sit and watch the rise and fall of her chest for a few minutes before dragging my ass to bed.

I put the picture of Carter, Ang and I in the living room on the mantle before shutting the lights off and locking the door.

I crawl under my covers and pull them up to my chin. I close my eyes and pray for a peaceful night's sleep tonight.

When I open my eyes again it's nearly 1am. I sigh.

Grabbing my phone I open my messages with Greyson.

'Can't sleep.'

'Want to talk about it?'

'Not much to say just can't seem to fall asleep.'

'Seems to be happening a lot lately. Does this have to do with the newly founded PTSD?'

'No clue.'

'What can I do?'

'Tell me everything is going to work out okay, for once.'

'Cassie, it will. You'll see. Great things are coming.'

'Not exactly what I was looking for Grey.' I sigh.

'Okay, Roman says to tell you that denying yourself something you want will never make you happy.'

I laugh out loud and shake my head.

'Goodnight you two.' I send it and plug my phone back in. I curl onto my side and close my eyes.

His face floods my mind and I try to push it away to no avail.

A tidal wave of emotions courses through me. I imagine this is a lot like what drowning would feel like. Just without the water.

I focus on grounding myself. Things that I know are real.

1. I am here.

2. I am safe.

3. Evangeline is safe.

4. Second Chance is doing great.

5. Everything will end up the way it should, I'm just not sure if that's good or bad.

6. I miss Carter still.

7. I wish I could separate the two parts of me.

8. I feel like I am failing at life.

9. I miss my dad.

10. I think Elana was right, maybe I am looking for something.

I sigh and close my eyes tighter.

I spend most of the night tossing and turning. When day light breaks, I get up and make breakfast. I don't do it as often anymore but today feels different.

It feels like the first day to a new chapter.

I get Evangeline up and around and she eats and tells me all the things she's going to do with Killian and Cara today. Mostly the nursery but I know she's excited to have another kid in the family.

I hope it will keep her off my back for awhile now.

I've never given much thought to having more kids. It's not that I don't want too, it's just that it's been one thing after another in my life and I would like a breather for once.

When I drop her off at 4 Cara and Killian load her car seat into there car and head off in the opposite direction.

Mallory asks to stay and help and I don't question it. It's nice to have help.

"Tonight, I want to talk to you guys about PTSD. I was recently diagnosed, and I admit it made me feel like a failure to all of you until I realized together, I think we can get through it. You see trauma has no limit. Eventually you will be triggered, and it is important to learn ways to work through it. Would anyone like to go first?" I ask looking around at the group.

One by one we talk about possible triggers. We talk until eventually we're all talked out.

"Good job. I will see you tomorrow." I say standing. When they file out Mallory surprises me by hugging me.

"I am so proud of you, Cass." She beams making me tear up too.

I can't remember the last time someone said that to me.