Chapter 15 — Picked or Whatever

I finished the third Dr. Seuss book and glanced down at Amber. She looked sleepy, and I took that as a good sign. “I can read one more, if you want,” I offered, while internally screaming at the idea. I used to love reading these kinds of books when I had been Amber’s age. Now, the thought had my head thudding, and I didn’t want to do it.

Amber yawned so big that I swore her tiny jaw cracked. “No. I’m sleepy.”

I stood up from the bed and tucked Amber in. It was a little early for her to be going to sleep, but I didn’t think keeping her awake would’ve worked, either. She gripped the blanket when I brought it up to her chin and smiled at me. “Thank you, Whilda.” The words had that strange, tired slur that children apparently got.

“You’re welcome,” I said, brushing some hair out of her face. “If you need anything, just call.”

Amber closed her eyes, and I slipped out of the room. The door closed behind me, and I breathed a sigh of relief.

“That bad?” Kier asked.

I jumped about a foot into the air and whipped around. My heart thudded, but just with adrenaline. If anyone else had tried sneaking up on me like that, I didn’t think I would’ve reacted as calmly. Sighing, I said, “It wasn’t that bad. Just… I didn’t realize how monotonous reading a freaking book could be. Are all children’s books like that? Because I swear that I used to love them.”

Kier smiled. “I’ve read hundreds of those books. Yes, they’re all the same and monotonous. They’re not for us, though.”

No, they weren’t. Sighing, I shoved my hands into my pockets. Nerves flooded my stomach. “How did it go downstairs? Did they say that I could stay?”

The good humor drained out of his face, and my stomach fell through the floor. I waited for the bad news, for Kier to say that they wanted me to get the hell out of the house. He wouldn’t have let me leave, though, right? He wouldn’t have given in that easily…

“Can I talk to you about that, actually?” Kier said, gesturing to his bedroom. His hard features didn’t give his opinion away, and that had my stomach fluttering around even more.

“Sure,” I said, and followed him into the bedroom. He turned the light on, but with the barest hint of light showing outside the window, it still felt intimate somehow. I’d been in this room a few times at that point, to shower and make myself presentable. I’d been in the room alone, each time.

Kier started to pace the room, making me more nervous. I went to sit on the edge of the bed, before thinking that maybe that would be too much. At least, with him in the room, it would’ve felt like that. Instead, I chose to lean against the wall, with my arms crossed over my chest. “What’d they say?”

“Brook was helpful, as always,” Kier grumbled, his voice sounding like rocks rolling around in a polisher. “She just wants us to listen to her, but instead, I think she damaged her relationship with Emerald.”

I couldn’t imagine what Emerald saw in the woman to begin with but kept that opinion to myself. I didn’t know how well Nightmares could hear, and I didn’t want Aiden or Clementine to get the wrong impression. Not if they liked their aunt. They deserved to keep that safe illusion that the people that were supposed to care about them did and would be willing to die for them.

Not that the woman would throw a teenaged girl on the streets to be killed because that would’ve been the most convenient option.

“So, what’re we doing?”

Kier started to pace at a faster rate, his hands resting on his sides. He stretched his neck and breathed out. “All right, so I have to explain some things to you.”

“Okay.”

He frowned, still pacing.

My nervousness hit an all-time high, and I got in front of him. Kier almost ran into me but stopped at the last second. “This isn’t working for either of us. Why don’t you just start talking. I’ll understand any decision that you made.” Even if I didn’t want to hear the answer. The way Kier acted made me nervous. On one hand, I thought that he would’ve blown up at his aunt and friend if they tried to get me to leave. On the other, he did have an entire household to protect.

Kier walked over to his bed and sat on the edge. I followed, perching next to him. That still felt like a bold move, but maybe he needed the more intimate feeling. I certainly didn’t mind it at that point.

“You can stay here,” Kier said.

My heart soared almost out of my chest.

“But there are some conditions and extenuating circumstances that I have to tell you about.”

And didn’t that bring me back to reality.

“Okay,” I said. “What are they?”

“First, you need to know that I’ve Chosen you.”

My brow furrowed. “What does that mean?”

Kier cleared his throat and shifted around on the bed. “Between the ages of sixteen and eighteen, male Nightmares pick someone they want to… marry.” I could tell that he rejected a dozen words before he got to ‘marry’, but I didn’t call him out on it. I figured those words would only make this sound stranger. “It’s not an actual decision on their part. More like, we meet the right person, and all our instincts scream that we need to protect them and make sure that they’re happy. I’m almost eighteen, and still hadn’t done it. But… you came along…”

“I’m sorry, what?” I asked, my voice sounding squeakier than normal.

“We aren’t like humans. We don’t do that dating thing, followed by the engaged thing, and then the married thing, with possible divorce. My kind, we pick someone, and that’s our someone. We don’t leave them, and we can’t ever hurt them, and that’s that.” Kier rubbed his face and wouldn’t look at me.

“And that’s why I can stay?” I asked.

“It’s not the first time that a Nightmare has Chosen a human, so there are ways that we can keep you safe. According to Emerald, anyway. We’d have to talk with our superior and work out the finer details. But yes.”

My heart started to sink. Not because of anything that he said. It made sense to me that Nightmares would have a different way to find partners. I just didn’t believe that Kier had actually Chosen me, as he had said. I thought it far more likely that he needed to keep me safe. So, he told Emerald and his aunt that he had. That way, they would leave me alone and we wouldn’t have to worry about it anymore.

But what would I do when he did find another mate? Kier would kick me to the curb, because he had to. Everyone would know that not only had he lied, but that I had gone along with it.

Kier started talking again, clearly trying to cover up my silence. “With the way that I’ve been acting around you, and the way that I feel… Yeah…”

“Oh,” I said, staring at the opposite wall. I couldn’t bring myself to say anything else. My father whispered in the back of my head, telling me that I didn’t earn this. That I would ruin it, like I ruined everything, because Kier just wanted to keep me safe. When everything went to shit, it would be my fault.

“There’s more to it than that,” Kier continued.

I looked over at him.

“You can say no,” Kier said, shrugging. “If this isn’t what you want, then you can say no.”

“What would that do to you?” I asked. Because, despite all the evidence to the contrary, I figured a slim chance existed where this actually happened. Where Kier Chose me, for whatever reason. Maybe he liked pathetic girls that couldn’t take care of themselves and needed to be saved all the time. I didn’t know.

“Nothing much. Physically, anyway. I would go back to normal after a couple of weeks, and then I’d Choose someone else in a few years.”

“Oh?”

Kier nodded. “The first time it happens, males are between sixteen and eighteen. The second time, they’re between twenty and twenty-two. So and so forth, until they find someone that they want.”

“Do women not get to Choose?” I asked, curious.

“No, not like males do. It’s complicated. Our physiologies are very different, and because of how our magic works, women don’t get the same urge to claim someone. Not that they aren’t just as protective and loving over their mates as a man would be.”

My thoughts went to Clementine, who had never mentioned a boy like they mattered. Always girls. “What if they’re gay?” I asked.

Kier smiled. “You’re worried about Clem?”

“Yeah.”

“Don’t be. She can refuse any boy that she wants, and they’ll back off. We don’t have the same kind of stigmas that humans do. She’ll find a nice girl one day, one who will hopefully keep her from blowing up their house.”

“Does that mean that a guy can Choose another guy, too?” I asked.

Kier nodded. “The only issue with that, is that things can get volatile, if someone attacks one of the boys. All the protective and fighting instincts flare up, and things get ugly. We’ve had some nasty fights at the school. Ones that ended in blood and ambulances, actually.”

My eyes widened, and I stared at Kier in surprise. “Oh.”

He nodded. “Nightmares all have a very strong protective instinct. Sometimes it can get out of hand. Like if Emerald had touched you down there? I would’ve ripped his head off, and it wouldn’t have mattered to me in the least. Not at that moment, and maybe not ever. I needed to keep you safe.”

My stomach twisted again, and I stared at the ground.

“What’s wrong?” Kier asked, scooting closer to me.

I tried not to shy away from him. “If I say no, then I have to leave, right?”

“No.” Kier shook his head. “I’ll figure something out. I don’t give a damn about what they think.”

“But they’d want me to leave?”

“Yes. Brook wants you to leave now. I think Emerald would try to help me, though. He isn’t normally such an ass, at the very least.”

I nodded again, staring down at my hands.

“You don’t have to decide now,” Kier told me. “We’re giving you some time to get to know me and come to a decision.”

“Don’t you need time too?” I asked. “I mean, we hardly know each other. Why would it be different for you?”

“It just is. Nightmares don’t need to know someone for long before they Choose. Emerald and his first mate, they knew each other their entire lives. They grew up together. When Emerald Chose her, Cerulean was furious. Not because she didn’t want to be with him, but because she liked to make him jealous. She couldn’t do that after he had Chosen. Not without someone dying. Then there were my parents, who knew each other for about four days before my father Chose. And my aunt Brook, she’s still waiting for her mate to come along. That’s why she’s been sniffing around Emerald.”

I couldn’t fathom why girls would make their guy jealous. It sounded cruel to me. As for the other stuff, I didn’t think he should use his parents as an example for anything. And… “Can she not find a mate if someone doesn’t choose her?” I asked.

“No,” Kier said. “She can date anyone she wants, but it won’t be like a real mating. She could even have kids with someone, and it would be like a divorced couple with custody agreements. But Emerald is almost in the age group for another Choosing, so she’s been trying to spend more time around him. Make herself a viable option.”

“That’s… incredibly sad,” I said.

He nodded. “I know that this is a lot of pressure to put on you, especially since you didn’t even know any of this could happen five minutes ago. That’s why we’re giving you time to decide what you want. You can refuse me right this second if you wish, too.”

“What happens if you find someone else?” I asked, because my brain kept throwing those images at me. Pictures of other girls flirting with Kier, throwing their hair over their shoulders, and smiling. I didn’t know what to do with those pictures. I wanted to prepare myself for if that happened. If he found a Nightmare to Choose instead of me. Wimpy, entirely human, me.

Kier slid off the bed and knelt down in front of me. His eyes burned in his head, enough fury that my heart stuttered in my chest, surprised. “That will never, ever happen,” Kier said, slowly. “It’s not how my kind work.”

“But—”

He put his hands on either side of me, his fingers biting into the comforter so hard that I felt the bed rock against the wall. “Never.”

Something about the way he stared at me, or maybe the way his eyes burned… I believed him for that second. That space of time where the two of us stared at each other, I couldn’t deny that he believed his words. I didn’t think I could be his mate, just because who would pick me? Why would someone decide to stick with this, when they could have someone so much better? Stronger.

But I knew better than to say that. “Okay,” I whispered. “How much time do I have to decide?”

“As long as you need,” Kier said, sitting down next to me once more. His voice sounded rougher, letting me know that I had bothered him. I tried not to duck my head, or flinch from him. I knew that Kier would never hurt me. Not like that.

“Okay, so… I don’t know what to do.”

“You don’t have to decide now,” Kier repeated.

“Don’t I? Otherwise, we’ll just be in this weird limbo. Where I may or may not change my entire life, and what? I’m supposed to just live like that?”

“I don’t want you to make a rash choice, and then regret it,” Kier explained.

Pressure came down all around me, and I felt trapped. If I said yes, I would be his… mate, I guess, then I’d be locked in. For the rest of my life, I would have Kier and the kids and somewhere safe to go. The thought had my heart lifting, not just because it felt like everything that I wanted, but because Kier would be there. Forever, I’d have Kier. But then I thought of that moment in the kitchen, when I couldn’t even bring myself to rest my cheek against his chest. What would come of our relationship if I couldn’t touch him? He’d be stuck with me for the rest of his life. A sad, broken mess of a person that couldn’t even associate a hug with something good. I hated the thought of someone touching me.

If I said no, then I’d be thrown out of this house. Everything that had my heart soaring moments before, it came crashing back down on me, so hard that I actually felt ground into the carpet. I’d get thrown into the human foster care system, or they would lock me up. Would Kier even try to stop them at that point? Sure, he wanted to protect me right now, which was the only reason he did this bullshit, but what if I turned him down? Would that be enough to make him want to leave?

And if I just waited, these two possibilities would be looming over my head until I made the decision, whatever it happened to be. I could practically feel myself getting torn apart, and I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t live with this kind of thing. Every move I made, I’d know that it would contribute to my decision. And that would freeze me, like I felt frozen now.

Why did I even leave? I asked myself. Why did I leave my house, when I can’t handle anything? This is the simplest of choices, the choice to wait. To not decide anything right that second, and to let life play out, and I can’t do it. I can’t do this. Why did I leave the safe, secure rules of my house? I knew the rules, I knew the consequences, and I could live with them. Why leave? Why did I leave?

Kier’s hands touched my face and tilted me down. “Whilda? It’s fine. You don’t have to do anything right now.”

I realized that my chest felt tight, and air wouldn’t come into my lungs. My shaking hands rested in my lap, and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t breathe. Panic had infused my body, freezing me where I sat.

Kier’s clear brown eyes stared up at me from where he knelt. His warm hands encompassed mine, and that should have been enough to slow my heart. To calm me down. Instead, they panicked me more. Everything that he wanted from me, or could want from me, all the possibilities swamped my head, and one thing screamed louder than all the rest.

YOU ARE NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

I shot off the bed and rushed into the bathroom. Kier didn’t try to follow me, but I ran as if someone pursued me. I locked the door behind me, and slid to the ground, trying to tell my racing heart that it didn’t help the situation.

You are not good enough. You aren’t good enough to be anything but the punching bag. Can’t even escape right. You are nothing. You mean nothing, just like Kier said when he first found you. No one would care if you went missing. They wouldn’t notice. Why should someone care about you, when you’ve done nothing but ruin things.

You aren’t good enough. You’ll break Kier’s happy little family. One day, you’ll do something, and he’ll see it. He’ll see what a mess you are, and he’ll know the mistake he made. You’ll be the first person that got left by a Nightmare. The first person that broke such a strong relationship and won’t that be fun. Won’t that hurt? And because you are you, it’ll send you over the edge. Will you cut your wrists, grab a rope, drink some poison? What will your method be?

Oh, but you can’t die. Not before you disappoint everyone. The children. Amber. Kier.

YOU ARE NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

It sounded like my father’s voice in my head, telling me over and over again that I ruined things. That I would ruin everything. I hadn’t been good enough to fix him, and I hadn’t been good enough to keep my mother alive in that stupid accident, and I hadn’t been good enough to warrant saving from anyone but Kier. I couldn’t be good enough for this family, for this house, for this life that I wanted so badly. For the things that I dreamed about.

After all the years of being broken and having to watch other broken people, I wanted something that felt whole. I wanted to prove that I could have something, something precious and worthwhile, and not have it go to shit. I wanted… I wanted this family as my own.

YOU ARE NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

I slumped against the bathroom door, sliding to the floor.

Everything that I wanted was within my reach. I just had to tell Kier that yes, I’d be his. Or that I needed time to decide. The latter would’ve been the smarter decision, honestly.

Instead, I sat in the bathroom with tears running down my face, dripping off my chin. My head felt like cotton and my lungs scratched with every breath. I stared down at my hands and tried to ignore the voice in my head. That booming voice that screamed at me.

I felt something thump against the other side of the door and pictured Kier sitting similar to how I did. It almost made me laugh, because how pathetic? I wiped at my face, trying to remove the tears. Unfortunately, more replaced them.

Amber’s face appeared in my head. I pictured her sitting on her bed, the blanket pulled up to her chin. She looked like nothing but a tiny lump underneath a comforter so thick, I thought she had two of them. When I first came into her room, she’d settled into the bed, wiggling around, looking so excited. She’d picked the book, and those bright eyes had locked onto me.

She hadn’t worried that I would fail her. In fact, she had only been interested in the book that she picked. The little girl that had started this entire thing, she stared at me with the confidence of a three-year-old that knew they’d get what they wanted.

I hadn’t disappointed her. Not once since coming into this house.

“Kier?” I asked.

“Yeah.” His rough reply came from right outside the door. I shifted around, so that I could lean against the tub, instead of the door. I stared at the simple wood and pictured him on the other side of it. I could pretend for that second that we faced each other, and all these horrible thoughts and emotions didn’t twist around in my chest.

“Don’t you worry that I’ll mess up?” I asked.

“No,” he said. “I know mistakes will be made, but rarely can you not fix something.”

I stared down at my knees, and sniffled. “You know, my mother died when I was eight. She always tried to keep me safe from my father. She said that marrying him would’ve been her biggest mistake, if I hadn’t been born. Because of me, though, she always had to be connected to him. I worry that he makes up half of me. I have the potential to be like him running through my veins.”

“No, you don’t,” Kier said. “You’d never be able to hurt someone like him unless they deserved it.”

“I’m not sure that woman deserved it,” I said.

“She would have hurt you worse.”

After a pause, I said, “I saw it happen. The car accident my mom got into. My friend at school had a party, and she invited the whole class. Everyone else got picked up, but my mother had to work. I got tired of waiting inside, because my friend’s parents kept arguing. So, I went outside, and waited for her. She came around the corner, and I remember the look on her face. She looked so frazzled and worried. Then Mom looked up, and she saw me standing in the driveway.

“She smiled. She smiled while going past a stop sign, and another car plowed right into her.” I could still remember the way her body rattled around inside her seat. “We had an old car that barely ran. It didn’t have the kind of safety features that cars nowadays have. My mother’s head hit the window, and it cracked her skull open. She bled out before the paramedics got there.”

“I’m sorry,” Kier said.

“Me too,” I mumbled, looking down at my feet. “About a year after she died, I asked my father to take me to her grave. I wanted to see her for the first time in a year. He wouldn’t take me to the funeral or her burial. Do you know what he said to me when I asked?”

“What?”

“He said, ‘your mother was a shitty driver, and I always told her to pay more attention. She got what she deserved, and you don’t need to turn her grave into a monument.’”

Kier cursed. “Fucking asshole.”

Mistakes, even small ones, could be deadly.