Chapter 47

As my pregnancy progresses, I find myself getting less sleep and spending most of the night tossing and turning to find a comfortable position. Now that my belly is getting bigger, I can no longer sleep on my stomach. Sleeping on my sides makes my back hurt, so the only position available is on my back, the least comfortable position ever. With my heartburn still sticking around, I have to prop my head up on a pillow, which is even worse. I’m literally sleeping like a dead person, and by morning, I’m exhausted.

Even though I’m tired every day now, it's easy to remain distracted because I see Quinn a lot more. We hang out almost every day, either before or after I put in a few hours at work. Hell, at this point, I’m only going to work to prove to the guys that I can do it without needing a nap. They think I’m doing really well, but in reality, I take mini naps in their offices when they are in meetings. I always manage to wake up before they come back. I doubt anyone is going to snitch on me.

Another reason I’m okay still going to work is that I want to see Stacy and Gary. If I didn’t go to work, I would hardly see them. I know they would come around and visit, but I like making an effort. I don’t want to be a bad friend just because I’m having a baby. They are in love with my baby, so I know they’d never think that. Between Quinn, Stacy, and Gary, I always feel surrounded by love. There’s never a moment where I don’t feel like I have a support system, and that’s something I’m going to need once this baby comes.

The only thing that is striking me as odd is Quinn. She’s acting abnormally happy, like nothing is bothering her. I understand that she’s probably coping, but I’m starting to think she’s not handling things correctly. When she’s around, she almost overly talks about babies. It’s nice, but sometimes I just want to talk about shopping and TV shows. I choose not to say anything to her, though, for fear of triggering her. Who am I to say how a person should move on from something tragic? It seems like it all happened forever ago, but I’m not the one who went through it.

When I express this to Jasper, he suggests spending more time taking care of myself instead of worrying about everyone else. I agree wholeheartedly because the last thing I want is to stress over little things and make myself sick again. It’s hard to let that part of myself go because I’m so used to worrying. I used to worry about my mom more than a person should. I wondered when she was going to have good days or bad days. I even wondered which alcohol binge would be the one to kill her. It’s second nature for me to worry, and the only people I need to worry about right now are myself and my baby. She needs my attention more than anything, and all I want to do is be a good mother to her. The last thing I want is to have her grow up and go to therapy due to a lack of love in the womb. I know it’s not possible, but if it were, therapists would make a killing.

In an effort to give myself more energy, I finally go back to yoga after missing two or five classes. Since I got back into my groove, I’ve been feeling a lot more peaceful than before when I had to worry about Quinn coming in. I know that’s harsh to say, but it’s true. I couldn’t focus on the yoga when I had internal panic attacks with Quinn sitting less than five feet away from me, waiting for me to suddenly forgive her. While I’m glad we’re in a better place, I’m also happy I have this class to myself again.

Unfortunately, the only person who can’t stay off my mind is Harper. Every time I see him in the house, I’m reminded of what’s to come. I try not to bring it up often because Jasper brushes it off like he doesn’t care that his brother is leaving. They haven't been apart from each other in years, yet Jasper shrugs his shoulder at the topic now. Am I the only one who cares? Oh, course not, but I’m the only one who shows it.

When I’m done with yoga, I grab a snack before heading home. Since it’s Saturday, I know Jasper will be getting home soon as well. Maybe we can all make lunch and sit outside again.

My plan is thrown off the moment I pull up and see my mom’s car in the driveway. I’m excited to see her, but I wasn’t expecting to see her today. As she's still recovering, she’s taken up using a planner in which she pencils in the days she sees everyone to keep herself organized. It’s a crazy concept, but she loves knowing what she’s doing every hour of the day.

I quickly park and head in to find her in the kitchen laughing with Harper. The moment she sees me, she comes rushing to me, pulling me in tightly.

“Hey, baby!”

“Hey, Mom. What are you doing here? Is everything okay?”

“Everything is fine. I figured I’d stop by with some canned fruit that I put together. There are three jars of peaches for you. I know they are your favorite.”

“Thank you. When did you get into canning?” I laugh, kicking off my shoes.

“William got me into it to keep my hands busy. I’d rather twist can tops than liquor tops.” She gives me a wink, and I fight back a deep chuckle at how nonchalant she is about her past alcoholism.

I join her in the kitchen, grabbing a fork so I can dig into the peaches. Harper and Mom start to discuss his move as I feed myself peach slice after peach slice until my already bulging stomach swells even more. By the time I’m done with one can, my lips are sweet, just in time for Jasper to walk in.

“I didn’t know we had a family reunion planned today.” He smirks, but his eyes fall on me as I lick a bit of fruit juice from my thumb.

“I brought canned fruit!” my mom cheers, holding up a jar of pineapples with Jasper’s name written in tiny pencil letters.

“You are a saint.” Jasper’s eyes roll back as he comes to me. He gives me a quick kiss while my mom isn’t looking, and when he tastes peaches on my lips, he licks his, humming softly.

“Yummy, I know something else that tastes sweet.”

“What?” I ask, completely bewildered.

When Jasper flicks his eyebrow up, I poke him in the side.

“Dirty boy,” I whisper so no one hears.

My mom stays for lunch, breaking her plan of heading to the gym. I think she realizes the best times are unplanned. We sit outside under the sun, eating sandwiches and canned fruit. At the moment, I don’t feel sad or worried. If anything, I’m overcome with peace.

We begin to talk about baby names, and when I feel my phone vibrate, I see that it’s a text from Quinn, asking if I want to hang out. As much as I’d like that, I’m busy, so I invite her to come over. I’m surprised when she turns it down, but it's out of mind before I can fully process it. I hope she isn’t having a bad day.

“Baby, did you hear your mom?”

I shoot my head up from the phone, forgetting about the text I was typing.

“What happened?”

“Your mom says you had a great grandmother named Louise.”

“Louise? Isn’t that kind of dated?” I scrunch my nose at my mom.

“My middle name is Louise, and I’m not dated.”

“You may not be dated, Mom, but you’re definitely not dairy fresh.”

We all laugh, and this time, when my phone vibrates again, I ignore it, realizing that I’m happy and not worrying right now. The happiness I feel right now is what it’s all about, and later that night, Jasper points out how great lunch was.

“Yeah, it was nice to see my mom.”

“I enjoyed seeing you laugh and talk about things not related to Harper,” Jasper comments from the bathroom while brushing his teeth. That’s an odd thing to say.

“Well, he is leaving. The conversation is going to come up.”

“Yeah, but you’re the only one who brings it up. We’re all fine.” I see him shrug, and all of a sudden, I feel a little irritated.

“Just because Harper isn’t talking about it doesn’t mean he’s fine.”

“It doesn’t mean he’s not fine either. I’m just saying that it was nice to talk about something light. All this Harper talk is becoming a little much, sweetie.”

“But it’s a big deal,” I mumble as Jasper appears from the bathroom in briefs and no shirt.

“But it’s really not. He’s moving for his career. That’s something he’s excited about. You haven’t noticed because all you care about is him leaving. You have to give it a break, Eden.” I can tell this is something that’s been on Jasper’s mind.

“I’m sorry. It makes me sad that he’ll be gone.”

Jasper leans over the bed, resting on his hands so his face can be close to mine.

“It’s okay to be sad, but when you speak about it as if it’s a bad thing, how do you think that makes Harper feel?”

It doesn’t take me long to figure out the answer.

“Guilty?”

Jasper nods, and now, all I want is to run to Harper and apologize a million times.

“I didn’t mean to make him feel like that. Why didn’t you tell me?”

“He told me not to tell you, but I’m choosing to because it also makes me feel like Harper's absence is going to break us. When Harper leaves, will I be enough for you?”

The question stuns me because it’s not like Jasper to feel less than or insecure, but I guess it’s my fault that he does. As sad as I am about Harper, the last thing I want is for Jasper to feel like he won’t be enough to keep me happy.

“Of course you'll be enough. I love you more than anything.”

Jasper stares into my eyes for a long moment, and I feel like he doesn’t believe me.