Chapter 125

Chapter 125
The walk to Aelia’s grave was blank. Really, I didn’t know how I worked up the nerve to come here. I’d ignored the need to talk to her, thinking I could, but after the fiasco of the last week getting hounded by the pack at every turn, it overrode my feelings. So, I quietly made the walk down south, telling Sam and Charles I’d be back by dark.

Despite Noah, Finn, and Nate being gone, her stone was still clean and free of leaves. Standing in front of it brought so much pain back. The river was fairly high, since the snow had melted for the winter.

Letting out a sigh, I squatted down. “You know, I wish…”

Stopping myself, I ran my hands through my hair a few times. None of this was going to come out right. My frustration made me laugh. I was an idiot. Somehow, I couldn’t even work up the nerve to talk to Aelia’s grave.

“I have five pups.” Smiling, I looked down at the ground in front of the stone. “Five. Thanks to you, apparently. You and, of course, Eros not being able to keep it in our pants.”

Eros snorted in the back of my mind, and I let out another breathy laugh.

“You were right. You were right about all of it. I should have listened. I didn’t. Now I have five pups, four of which look like me, that I may never meet.”

My knees touched the ground as I kneeled, my hands balling up. “I’m such a fucking idiot. I read all your letters to me. Finally. You sent me five of them, and I didn’t open a single one. Not even the one you wrote and snuck into Dad’s will. I shoved them all in the safe and locked them away.”

“I don’t know if it would have helped. I wonder if anything could have helped fight my stupid decision to use magic. Eros lasted so long, and so did Nate. The two of them…I don’t know how either of them still even look at me.”

Eros let out a sigh. ‘I’m always with you, Silas. I’m your wolf. I’m stuck with you. Plus, I hoped that at one point you’d come to your senses. You managed to…it just ended up being too late. It’s Nate who is the saint. He didn’t need to stay, didn’t need to hold out, and yet he still held out his hand to you.’

“You’re not wrong. I don’t think I could have done what he did.”

‘Silas, I don’t think anyone could have.’

Closing my eyes, I thought of the scene I’d been blessed enough to see. All of them together. Safe and sound. I didn’t know where they were, but Noah and Finn were with them. They weren’t alone. That probably would have broken me more if they had been.

‘What are you doing here?’

I jumped, looking up to my right. Nate was standing next to me, the slight shimmer of the spirit link casting a silver hue to his body. He looked good. It had been three months since I had seen him. The block hadn’t come down once, and the only real updates I got were through Sam and Charles, who were filtering it through Noah and Finn.

“Nate?”

Looking down, he gave me a soft smile. ‘I thought you refused to come here. You avoided it like the plague.’

“I had been…for a long time. I just…felt the need to talk to her. Even after everything that happened, I wanted to update her. Tell her she was right so maybe she’ll stop haunting me.”

He chortled, shaking his head. ‘If anything, that would make her haunt you more.’

Turning to him, I furrowed my brow. “Now it’s my turn to ask. What are you doing here?”

‘I don’t know how to answer that, honestly.’ Nate gazed at the stone, his eyes moving as he read over the inscription. ‘Maybe to check in. I’ve been busy, and I haven’t been able to talk since giving birth. I know Noah let you in for a few minutes, but I figured you would want to talk.’

“I…all I wanted to ask was why? Why did you pull me? I don’t deserve it. I don’t deserve to be in your life. Noah and Finn were right. You were right. You have every right to move on without me.”

He let out a sigh this time. ‘I wanted you there. That is the long and short of it, Silas. I was in pain. I was having our pups, and I wanted you there. Don’t think too much into it.’

It was hard not to. It was hard enough being torn. In one hand, loving him, having the bond constantly pull me towards him, feeling the absolute emptiness of losing my best friend, all while knowing I was missing every single thing in my pups lives.

Then, in the other, knowing that I should serve my punishment in peace. That I deserved so much worse than living my life as I was. Or even getting this simple chance to talk to him without his scorn.

I wanted to tell him. I knew he would hate me. I knew I might never talk to him, let alone see him again. No matter what, though, I couldn’t let him continue thinking it was his fault. Continued to think that he was the one who caused the damage, that he chose to end his life. If anything, it was fitting that he met me here.

“Nate, you don’t understand. I don’t deserve your forgiveness. I…”

‘Stop, Silas.’ Nate snapped at me. ‘Whatever you’re about to say, don’t.’

I stood, throwing my hands wide. “But I need to! You need to know! All that happened…everything…it’s my fault! I…”

‘Don’t make me hate you more!’

Nate yelled at me, and I stepped back in surprise. Worse, the pain in his voice mixed with the tears that he refused to let fall broke my heart. I shook my head, but he growled low.

‘Don’t you dare. For the sake of our pups, do not say another word.’ His hands made fists as he glared at me. ‘I don’t know if I will ever forgive you. I hope one day, I might, but that is going to take a very long time. What I don’t want is to burn the bridge of you having contact with our pups.’

His chest rose and fell. ‘I’ve barely managed to paint you in a good light to them. They’ve seen my tears though, and I don’t think I could hide the fact that I hate you from them.’

I looked down, closing my eyes for a second. “Nate, I can’t…I don’t deserve your forgiveness.”

He barked out a laugh. ‘Who said I was forgiving you? You destroyed me, Silas. I’m saying that I acknowledge you’ve done nothing wrong to the pups. That they deserve to make their own decision about you.’

I wanted to cry. Nate was giving me so much. An open door to the kids and to him. Eros also got excited at the thought. He stayed quiet, though, letting me have a moment with Nate.

‘I’m not going to remove to necklace. I’m busy and I’m not giving you access to me all the time but…’ He paused, running his hand through his hair.

It had gotten so long. It was well past his shoulders and down his back now. He looked healthier, and you couldn’t tell that he’d gained any weight. His voice broke my wandering thoughts.

‘…I’ll take it off sometimes. If you want to talk or…feel my emotions. Sam told Finn you were doing that. That’s what happened when you slipped in, right? That night…’

I felt my face flush. “I was checking in. I didn’t mean to slip fully into your space though.”

He looked torn, but finally just let out an exasperated sigh. ‘It’s fine. Just…I’ll make some time. Let you see the kids.’

“Are they doing okay? Are you?”

Nate nodded. ‘Everyone is fine. Finn gave birth, so having four babies is absolute chaos. The twins are helping, which is sweet of them. Plus, Keri moved in for the time being and…’

“Keri is living with you? I thought she didn’t like anyone outside of Aelia? Where are you guys?”

His mouth pulled into a frown. ‘We made our way to a new territory. We are safe. Honestly, it’s been a lot of stress, but everyone is taking it in stride.’

I glanced at the stone carved with Aelia’s name. “Can I ask…their names?”

‘Landon and Amelia are the twins. Sofia, Sierra, and Caleb are the triplets. Though, the only one you can tell apart is Caleb.’

“I saw him. He’s a mini you. They sound perfect. You did good.”

Nate gave me a sad smile. ‘This isn’t the way I thought things would pan out. Not back then. Not even a few years ago.’

“I’m sorry. I don’t know…I don’t know if I said it. I probably could never say it enough. But I am sorry. For everything. For being a coward. And an asshole. And an Alpha. I’m sorry for being such a shit mate. It’s all I wanted, and this was how it turned out in the end.”

I closed my eyes for a long breath. When I opened them, Nate was close, too close. I held my breath as he reached out to me. My instinct was to flinch, expecting a slap from him. Instead, his hand brushed my cheek.

‘I know, Silas. It’s not the end. Not yet. Time will tell.’ His smile couldn’t conceal the deep sorrow in his eyes.

Reaching out, I couldn’t touch him in this form, but he didn’t shy away from it. That was enough for me. It made wonder if he still loved me. Deep down, he might still have feelings for me.

‘I need to go. I didn’t expect to actually find you in a spot I could talk to you.’

Smiling, I shook my head. “I came here thinking that talking with Aelia might make me feel better. Turns out I just needed to talk to you.”

He had another conflicted look on his face, but it fell into more of a mask this time. ‘I’ll talk to you later, Silas.’

“Thank you, Nate. For this. If you need anything…” I left the option in the air.

‘I won’t, but thank you.’

Just like that, he was gone. Leaving me alone at my sister’s grave. Somehow, I felt both lighter and heavier. I couldn’t fuck this chance up, but at the same time, I felt I already had.

He would hate me. Nate would reject me, and the door would shut in my face. Looking down, I let my fingers brush the thread at my chest. It was so frayed, barely hanging on. I wondered if it would hold again under the strain of what I had done.

‘Silas?’

I hummed. ‘What’s up, Sam?’

‘Alpha Alex is calling. He wants to talk to you about the raid he’s wanting to conduct. See if you’ll help.’

Letting out a deep sigh, I shoved my hands in my pockets and headed back north to my territory. ‘I’m headed back. I’ll speak to him in a half an hour.’

‘Sounds good.’ There was a pause in the mind-link. ‘You okay?’

Rolling my eyes, I shook my head at his question. ‘I’m fine, Sam. Worry about yourself.’

He snorted. ‘Yeah right. Someone has to worry about you. Charles would just beat you up. At least I ask.’

‘Very true.’ I narrowed my eyes. ‘I’m okay, though. I got what I needed on my walk. Maybe even a little more than I bargained for.’

‘And that’s a good thing?’ His hesitation came through in his tone.

It made me chuckle. ‘Only time will tell.’

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