Chapter 124

Chapter 124
It was quiet. The house was quiet, and my head was quiet. Something that rarely happened lately. Sam had his pup, and the three of them were currently spending time with Sam’s parents. After hearing screaming and crying for a few weeks, as well as panicked parents racing around, the quiet was both welcoming and lonely.
If anything, it reminded me that Nate was on his own with three. Reaching out, I felt the barrier and pulled back without bothering to push any harder. He hadn’t reached out, but apparently Finn had talked to Sam. Finn had his pup, and they were all swapping horror stories. Sam said that Nate and the triplets were doing well. That was all the information they allowed me to have.
Getting up, I knew I needed to get these nerves out. If I kept them bottled up, I’d end up snapping. Not something I wanted to do. Heading out, I was planning on running, but catching the guys at the training ground made me turn. They were outside today, considering it was a nice day and we had finally hit springtime weather.
“Alpha!”
A few of the guys cocked their heads, the others too busy with their bouts to realize I was walking up. Standing, I watched for a bit. Smiling, I slammed my hand on Wyatt’s back.
“Let’s go a round.”
“I…Alpha…are you sure?”
My lips pursed, but I didn’t have any right to chastise him. Not with how I had been. Ever since seeing Nate though, I refused to fall. I needed to be stronger. If there was even a sliver, a chance, to have a moment with him, then I was going to be better. I had to be better. The last thing I wanted to do was give him any more of an excuse to turn his back on me.
“Let’s go, Wyatt. Before you make me take this seriously.” I smirked and walked onto the nearest mat.
“As you wish.” Wyatt cracked his knuckles and neck. “I’m not going to go easy on you, though.”
I snorted. “I wouldn’t expect you to.”
Rolling my shoulder, I stood at my full height, something I rarely did anymore. Wyatt realized it too. His posture changed, more defensive than before. He was the first to attack. I dodged the first few attacks, moving out of the way completely from his kick.
Turning, I used the opportunity to attack. Two out of the three hit, him catching my foot, but it pushed him towards the edge. His eyes were wide, not realizing how much strength I had put behind it. From there, we stopped testing each other. Wyatt was one of my best. Partly because my father trained him, and also because Nate trained him too. It was like I was fighting him again.
“Alpha!”
I stopped, my fist freezing in mid-air. Wyatt collapsed onto the mat, and I realized I had lost focus completely. Sighing, I ran my hands through my hair. Fighting Nate’s ghost got me worked up. Reaching out, I pulled Wyatt back up.
“Sorry. Lost focus for a moment.”
He pouted. “Your losing focus means that you end up pummeling me isn’t what I want to hear, Alpha. You’re supposed to be worse, not better.”
I laughed, shaking my head. “I have to hold back. It takes effort. I don’t want to actually hurt you.”
“Says the one who has been sulking for too long.” Wyatt smiled though, with no anger or even judgement on his face. “Glad to have you back, Alpha.”
“Glad? I just knocked you on the floor? What? Charles being too easy on you all?”
Rolling my shoulders, I motioned to the group that had been standing around watching our spar. “Let’s go. Next one. Whoever can lay me out, I’ll pay for their dinner anywhere in Jackson.”
Suddenly, the guys were pushing and shoving, while a few were asking if they could have a plus one. Chuckling, I shrugged. Gale got onto the mat first, and she was ready to go.
“You’d better make good on your promise, Alpha!”
She came at me, and she was on the mat within a few minutes. The trend continued until I started to tire. I definitely wasn’t as strong, but it felt good. Even Eros had stepped forward, helping me or giving me his two cents as I fought.
Eventually, it was Deluce who got me down. More because he pushed me off the mat. A win was a win, though. He picked me up off the ground, excited. I knew I was going to end up regretting it, but I had fun.
“How are the guys doing?” Ken walked back to the pack house with me, even after I had kicked him off the mat.
“I think they are doing good. They probably wouldn’t agree though.”
He laughed, nodding. “Yeah, I remember my first. I felt like I was crazy. It took my mate to calm me down. That I was doing okay. By the third, I had it down.”
“Well, hopefully, Sam’s parents can help them see how well they are doing. It seems moot coming from me.”
“I mean, you’ve been there for so many of these pups. I think you are more than qualified to tell them they are doing alright.” Ken stretched, putting his hands behind his head. “The baby stage doesn’t last very long. It’s the toddler stage you need to look out for. Get locks on those doors of yours. The office and your bedroom. Otherwise, you’ll have no peace with them running around.”
My smile was strained. “I don’t think I would mind. It would liven up the house.”
He hummed for a moment, and I felt his stare.
“Out with it.”
“Just…what about you? I know you were originally planning on taking a chosen, but that fell through. Well, you actually came out and said you weren’t going to take anyone. So some of us…were wondering…”
I snorted. “Some? Pretty sure the entire pack right now wants to ask me that question.”
“I mean…you’re thirty-four. While there are plenty of wolves who don’t find mates until later on…”
“None of them are Alphas.” I finished his thought. “I know. Eventually, I’ll talk to the pack about my plans moving forward. I just won’t be taking a mate. I…have one already.”
Ken stopped as I continued to walk. “Excuse me?”
“I already have a mate, Ken.”
“I…but…wait. When? How? Why?” He raced back up, putting a hand on my chest to stop me. “Alpha…Silas…what do you mean? If you have a mate, what is going on?”
I gave him a sad smile. “I fucked it up. I messed up badly enough that I don’t deserve to be next to them.”
“That doesn’t matter! They are your mate! Your fated me. The one the goddess chose for you! You can’t just…let them go! Alpha! Why haven’t you told anyone? We could help! I don’t know…put together a portfolio or something. You know…tell them how good of an Alpha you are. Or we can help run the pack while you track them down. I don’t know!”
Ken’s ideas made me laugh, genuinely laugh. It was sweet. Almost like when we had a crush in school and our best friend would be our wingman. I was pretty sure I had done that for Charles in high school at some point.
“Alpha! I mean it!”
“I know you do. I know all of you would in a heartbeat. It’s partially why I haven’t told the pack. One, because I don’t really want to go into detail about what happened with everyone, but because I know they would end up trying to do something silly like drag them back.”
Ken huffed. “Yeah, well, we are serious! You deserve to be happy, Silas. Your father fucked it up. With you, your sister, and Nate. You all deserved so much better.”
He wasn’t wrong. However, I had to exclude myself from his sentiment. I didn’t want to get a lecture on the sidewalk right now though, so I kept my mouth shut.
“I appreciate it. I do. In this case, though, it’s something that can’t be fixed. Not right away. I don’t want to take another mate.. I don’t have it in me. The fact that I ever thought I did…” I let out a sigh. “Just proves how much I messed up.”
Frowning, Ken didn’t look satisfied at all. If anything, this was probably going to be all over the pack within the hour. At the very least, they wouldn’t come barging into the pack house. Or I hoped they wouldn’t. Without Sam and Charles there for a few days, they just might try.
“I don’t know why you didn’t tell us. I know we can help. Or at least we would shut up about you having a mate. I mean, I can’t imagine what it’s been like with the Elders and then all of us old geezers asking about it.”
Putting him on the shoulder, I shoved my hands in my pockets and started walking again. “I don’t mind. You guys care. I know that. Like I said, I appreciate it.” Giving him a wave, I left him on the sidewalk in front of the coffee shop. “I’ll see you later, Ken. I’m going to rejoin patrols for a bit, at least until Sam and Charles get little Brayden’s colic under control.”
I could hear him snort. “Yeah, yeah. Sure. We will talk about this again, Alpha.”
“Sure. You and every other noisy Nancy in this pack. I would say keep it to yourself, but I know it’s already too late.”
“Damn right it is. You won’t talk to me, we’ll find someone. I promise you.”
Barking out a laugh, I shook my head. He wasn’t wrong. Something inside me said I needed to talk to someone. Not just anyone. I wanted to talk to my sister; needed to talk to her.
The problem was the one place I could do that…was also where I picked my dead mate up from the ground. I’d been avoiding it for so long, I didn’t know if I could work up the courage even now. All I knew right now was that she was the person I wanted to reach out to the most.