Chapter 106

Chapter 106
~Trigger Warning: This story is rated 18+. This chapter contains descriptions of self-harming behaviors such as suicide, self-inflicted injuries, body harm, alcohol and drug abuse, which may be triggering for readers with lived experiences. ~
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For a while I just lay in bed, falling asleep when I finally cried myself into unconsciousness. Sometimes, I got up to stand in the hot water of the shower, but I’d crawl back into bed. Everything felt empty. Nothing was right, and Noah’s words echoed in my head.

I’d sealed away my very soul and with it my own fated mate bond. Thinking it would give me strength. Make me a stronger Alpha and enable me to protect everyone. Instead, it ruined me. Ruined everything. Goddess, how could I be so stupid? How? I literally killed him.

I had moved to sit in the window seat, but pulled the blinds down. It was dark, but I didn’t want to see the outside world. A world that Nate was in, my pups were in, but a place I would never be. One I felt I didn’t deserve to be a part of.

The door opened, but I didn’t bother acknowledging it. Hands wrapped around my neck, and a woman’s perfume assaulted my senses. I didn’t move, though. This was part of my punishment, right? This is what I had brought upon myself. What I thought was the meaning of strength.

“Valerie! I told you not to come in here!”

The arms disappeared.

“This will be my room soon. You can’t just order me around, Beta.”

“Oh, I can right now because you aren’t Luna. Get out.”

There was some huffing, but the perfume finally ebbed away. I still felt a presence in my room, and I looked over, Charles still standing awkwardly. My head cocked to the side, wondering why he was bothering with me.

“What do you want, Charles?”

He seemed surprised I spoke to him, jumping a little. “You haven’t eaten for a few days.”

“I’m not hungry.” I turned back to the window.

“Silas, you need to eat. You need to get out of this room.”

I sighed. “Why? Why bother?”

He walked closer. “Because you are still Alpha. You need to be Alpha. This pack needs you. We need you. We’ve done the best we can, but there are still some things you need to handle. Plus…the Elders…”

“They can suck it.”

Charles chuckled. “I agree, whole-heartedly. But it doesn’t change the fact that they are pounding on our door every day wanting details of the wedding.”

“There is no wedding.”

Silence filled the room again for a couple of moments. “Silas, the Elders…”

“I know, but I’m not marrying. I’m not taking a Luna. I’m not pretending anymore. I’m done. I’ll announce that I marked my mate but then rejected them. That should shut them up.”

“Silas, come on. What happened? What the hell is going on?”

I regarded Charles for a moment. He wasn’t asking accusingly. Instead, it was out of concern for a friend. Something I didn’t deserve. Not after what I had put him and Sam through.

“I’m sorry, Charles.”

“W-what? What for?”

I moved my feet off the bench and placed them lightly on the floor. My hands rested on the bench as I leaned forward slightly.

“You and Sam have been mated for seven years now, but you haven’t even started a family. That’s my fault. You worried because of me, worried about what I would do. I ruined not just my bond, but yours as well.”

Charles walked up and kneeled in front of me. “You didn’t ruin our bond, Silas. We are still mated and still together. While yes, we did put the idea of a family on hold, we still have time. I might get Sam pregnant every six months to make up for lost time, but I wouldn’t go back and try to have kids. Sam and I got to enjoy being mates. Enjoy each other before introducing kids into our lives. The time with him is precious to me. Something I don’t regret.”

I nodded, but I knew it was only partially true.

“What happened, Silas?”

My eyes met his. “I made a stupid decision. One that cost me everything. I did it the day of Aelia’s funeral.”

“You were drunk that day. It couldn’t be…”

“I locked my soul away, Charles. It also removed the bond.”

Confusion swirled in his eyes, and I remembered he wasn’t a wolf. He didn’t really know about magic or just how severe the repercussions were for my stupid decision. The one moment I had with Nate, his pain as he curled up in the back of the closet, hit so much harder now. The last moment I had of clarity before the fight my bond and Eros had been putting up against it finally lost.

“I’m not an idiot. I may have never felt a mate bond before, but the moment Aelia died, the moment I looked at Nate, I knew. Everything clicked. I was angry, and I resented her, resented Nate, resented the Moon Goddess. Nate wasn’t supposed to be my Luna. He was my Beta and my brother. He was my rock, and now that crumbled into the unknown. I thought our relationship would be my ultimate weakness. I thought I had to be stronger for this sort of thing not to happen again. If I were stronger, I wouldn’t have lost my sister. I was stupid, and I was a coward.”

I took a ragged breath. “So, while I was standing at Aelia’s monument, I used something my father gave me. A piece of magic he had given me when I was younger. He always preached that there would be a moment where an Alpha would reach a plateau in their strength. That I wouldn’t be strong enough and this would help that. This would remove any unnecessary weaknesses. It ended up locking away my very soul. I locked away the mate bond. It removed all the emotions, all ties, everything. All the things my father had always taught me were weaknesses, but I never really believed.”

Charles’s face was etched in horror. “You…how could you? I mean, even as a human…feeling the bond…it’s…”

“I was livid and frustrated and upset. If Aelia hadn’t been there, I would have lost my pack. Instead of coming out stronger, I had lost my sister, and I was drowning. Nate was no longer the rock I needed and was already asking things of me I didn’t know that I could give him. I needed to be stronger. An Alpha didn’t buckle or drown like I was. I thought the magic would help me be stronger.”

“But it didn’t…did it?”

I buried my head in my hands. “No, it didn’t. I was so stupid. Thinking something my father gave me would be useful or good. Once I did it, it didn’t give me anything. All it did was take away. My ability to love, to care, to feel anything towards anyone. All of it. My Alpha instincts; the anger, possessive, narcissistic toxicity ruled me. The way my father had taught me to be as an Alpha, but there was no way to reverse what I had done. Once Eros and the bond failed to fight the magic, my soul locked away, and it didn’t matter to me because I felt better off without it. I didn’t care about it anymore, and so I didn’t see the issue with what I had done.”

“So you rejected Nate. Both before and after you mated?”

“Yes, I did. I tried to before, but the rejection wouldn’t take. Still, I continued to reject him in every other way. The day…the day Nate killed himself…I…” Tears choked me and I shook my head. “I…I didn’t mean...I didn’t mean it. We were fighting again. I was fed up…my command slipped out…and I…I commanded him without realizing it. I commanded him and…” My body shook violently.

Charles’ brow furrowed. “You commanded him?”

My eyes rose to meet his, but I couldn’t even see him anymore. “I killed him, Charles. I killed Nate. I killed my mate. All of it. All of this was my fault. Deep down, I knew it was my fault. I just…thought it was because I had rejected him again. Or that I crossed the line with what I said, but…that wasn’t it. I…killed him.”

“What are you talking about? How did you kill…?” He stood up and stepped away from me. “You didn’t. Silas, tell me you didn’t.”

I wrapped my arms around my middle, trying to hold back the bile that was threatening to escape. “I told him…I told him he could join Aelia six feet under…but…it came out as a command. Charles, I told him to go kill himself…I literally…commanded him to do it. That’s why he never had any memory of it. Everything that happened. All of it. It’s all my fault.”

Charles let out a strangled cry as he backed away from me more. He didn’t say anything for a long time. The door opened, and Sam stepped in, probably summoned by the emotions through the mate bond.

“Y-you…fucking…murderer!”

Charles yelled at me as he came flying forward. His fist connected with my face, and my head slammed back against the window. The glass plane cracked against the force, but Charles grabbed my shirt and flung me to the ground. From there, he straddled me and continued to punch anywhere he could reach.

“Charles!” Sam screamed at him, trying to pull him off me. “You can’t! Stop!”

Eventually, Sam pulled Charles off to the side. Everyone was breathing heavily, but I just lay on the floor. Not once did I try to block him. I didn’t deserve it. The only reason I thought of even staying alive at this point was because of Nate. Our bond ensured that without one, the other would not survive.

“Charles…what the hell is going on?”

“He tried to murder Nate! We never thought Nate would go that far. It didn’t make sense. It turns out he didn’t. Silas commanded him. Intentional or not. You didn’t just destroy your bond; you destroyed him! He’s lived with the consequences of what he thought were his own actions. Instead, they were yours!” Charles was livid, but I didn’t blame him.

I slowly sat up. Resting my arms on my knees that I pulled up, I looked down between my legs at the floor. I felt nothing but torment in my head. Charles hadn’t done enough damage to make a dent.

“You didn’t…Silas…tell me you didn’t…” Sam was kneeling next to Charles, but he was looking at me.

“I did. I did it. I killed my mate.”