Chapter 39: Ferrin

Something was really bothering her. And it wasn’t the same anger or disappointment I had felt from her the night before.

No, she seemed… nervous around me. Almost scared.

I had never seen Willa be timid. I didn’t think she even had it in her.

But whatever was causing these feelings, they were only directed at me. She had acted normally toward Rebekah and warmly toward Henry and the kids. She was a picture of sweetness and belonging.

My gut clenched, imagining what could possibly have her acting so distant from me. I hated this. I needed to be close to her more than ever right now, and this is when she decided to avoid me. Frustration and even a little anger started to creep up on me. I went to the office there in my apartment and found the carafe of bourbon. I poured a glass and took a few minutes to drink it before I went back to the living room.

I had expected to find Willa in there already but she wasn’t.

I went to her bedroom door and gently turned the knob. Opening it, I found Willa standing in front of the full-length mirror in the corner of the room. I could see her face in the reflection. She had an almost pained expression.

Maybe all this wasn’t about me. Willa was struggling with herself over something.

I quietly entered and went to sit on the edge of the bed, leaning forward to brush my fingers along her arm, urging her to look at me.

“Come here, sweetheart.”

She hesitated. Still looking at her reflection with that same fear, nervousness, and even pain.

“Willa,” I said gently, “please.”

She inched toward me a little, enough for me to guide her the rest of the way to stand before me. I reached up to lift her chin to look at me, but she jerked her head away as I saw the tears start to well in her eyes.

“Baby, talk to me,” I urged. “You’re worrying me.”

She let out a frustrated cry, throwing her hands up in the air and pushing away from me again. She began to pace the room.

“Willa, what’s wrong? Talk to me… Please.”

“I’m not ready to have pups,” she practically shouted.

“What?” I was genuinely confused.

“I’m not ready to have children. It’s too much, Ferrin,” she began rambling. “I’m just getting used to the idea that I’m here, in another country, uprooting my entire life just to build one in a place I don’t know. Let alone coming to terms with being a Luna. I haven’t even begun to figure out what that even means. Not to mention all the potential dangers I have to look out for. Even though I have no idea what the hell to actually expect. Then you throw pups into the mix. I haven’t even gotten past my mother’s death. How the hell am I supposed to figure out how to be one? It’s just too…”

“Hey,” I said, rushing to wrap her in my arms, calming the tears and anxiety that were flooding out of her.

“I’m sorry, Ferrin. I’m so sorry,” she said into my chest. “I know you’re expected to provide heirs, and the council will want us to start having kids soon, but I’m just not ready. And I know they’ll never approve of me if they find out, but I just can’t.”

“What are you talking about?” I asked, stepping back to sit on the bed again so I could be on her level. “Willa, there is absolutely no rush to have children. I would never push you into something I wasn’t absolutely sure you were ready for.”

“But the council…”

“Screw the council,” I said strongly. “They can mind their own damn business. For that matter, Anna and Warren are two perfectly good heirs. So it shouldn’t matter if you never want pups.”

“But I do,” she rushed out and then stopped with a shocked expression, then confused, as if she didn’t even know what she wanted until that moment.

I watched her grapple with the realization, trying not to smile at how cute she looked as she worked through her thoughts and came to a final conclusion.

“I do,” she stated. “I want to have children with you, Ferrin. Just not right now.”

I chuckled as I pulled her in to kiss her. “You have no idea how happy it makes me that you want to have my pups. Truly. And I couldn’t imagine a more perfect mother for my children. But I’m not quite ready either.”

“You’re not?” she sniffled. “But I saw how you were looking at the twins tonight, Ferrin.”

“Yes, I want a family with you, Willa,” I confirmed. “Someday. But, and this may be selfish of me, I want to have you to myself for a while.”

She laughed softly as she wiped her tears.

“There are ways to prevent pregnancy. There’s no reason to be upset,” I assured her.

“Rebekah already said she’d help me with that if I wanted.”

“Of course she did,” I laughed.

“I told her I had to talk to you first. I just… I thought you would be upset or disappointed or…”

Did she think I would reject her? I was horrified at the thought, and my heart broke a little. I pulled her to me, holding her tightly, wanting her to know I would never let her go.

“Never.”

We stayed like that for a few minutes. Until guilt started to take over me.

She thought she would lose me, whether through the council or my own desires. She truly thought it was a possibility, and yet, she still found the courage to tell me instead of hiding her fears. And I couldn’t even bring myself to tell her we may have found what she had been searching for more than half her life.

I swallowed the lump in my throat and pulled back. I couldn’t tell her everything. Not yet. It still just felt like too much of a risk. But I couldn’t keep this from her.

“Willa,” I started, “I need to know if you trust me.”

“What do you mean? Yes, I trust you.”

I looked her in the eye. “I mean, I need to know that you truly trust me. Not just to protect you. Not just because of the mate bond. I need to know if you trust that I want to do the right thing. That I try to be a good man.”

“Ferrin, now you’re worrying me,” she replied.

“Do you trust me, Willa?”

She lifted her hand, brushing her fingers along the side of my face. “Yes, Ferrin, I trust you.”

The breath I released felt like it took a mountain of fear and doubt with it. But not all of it.

“I need to talk to you about something, Willa. It’s about your mother.” I felt her still, her breath catching in her chest. “We have come across information… a lot of information that has provided us with a solid lead on who might be responsible for her death. That’s what we were going over last night and today.”

She stepped away from me. “Why didn’t you tell me? Why didn’t you let me help?” she asked a little shakily. “Where did this information come from? What did you find?”

“Babe, slow down,” I said, trying to reach out to her again, but she brushed me away. “This has gotten far more complicated than either of us had expected. With what we know now, I truly believe that if I bring you in on this, if you continue to investigate on your own, you would be in serious danger.”

“Like I’m not already?” she snapped. “Why did you keep this from me, Ferrin?”

“Because I was scared,” I blurted out.

Her expression softened some.

“I was scared, Willa. The information came with a warning. One that could take you from me. Take us from each other. Or worse… I just needed to see how accurate that warning was. If there was anything to the information we were given.”

“And?”

“And right now, part of what I was told appears to be true. Enough that I can’t tell you what is going on just yet.” I saw her tense up again. “I’m sorry, Willa, I really am. I know this is going to be hard for you, but I just can’t. Not until I get solid proof. Proof that will guarantee your mother gets the justice she deserves.”

“Ferrin, this isn’t fair…”

“I know it’s not,” I agreed, standing up and closing the distance between us again. “But I swear to you, we are close, and I will do everything to make sure you are there, with all the information, when we take the bastards down. But right now, I need you to be safe. Or as safe as possible. Here. Where we all can protect you. Please, Willa, I just need you to trust me on this.”

She didn’t say anything for a long time. Finally, she sighed heavily. “This really sucks, you know,” she pouted.

I choked out a laugh as every muscle in my body relaxed. “I know, baby. Believe me, I know. And I will continue to think of all the ways to make it up to you once this is all over.”

“I guess I can live with that,” she replied, leaning against my chest. I ran my fingers through her hair.

“So, are you coming to bed, or are you still mad at me?” I asked.

She chuffed dramatically. “I suppose I could be persuaded.”

I grinned down at her. “Persuaded, huh?” I stooped down and picked Willa up, throwing her over my shoulder and heading for our room. “I’m entirely too tired for that, babe.”