Chapter 43 Shocker

Chapter 43 Shocker
Maya's POV

I couldn't sleep.

The ceiling was the same as always, the water stain in the shape of a dog near the left corner, the crack that ran from the light fixture to the wall, the same ceiling I'd stared at for years. But nothing else felt the same.

Papa was in the hospital, Justin was…whatever Justin was. And I was lying in my bed, staring at a water stain, thinking about a line that wouldn't leave my head.

"Because I didn't want to."

Over and over and over.

Because I didn't want to deny it, because I didn't want to lie, because I didn't want to pretend, because I didn't want to…

What?

What didn't he want to do?

What was he trying to say?

Why couldn't he just say it plainly?

Why did everything have to be so complicated?

Damn.

I flipped onto my side, then onto my back, then onto my stomach.

The sheets were tangled around my legs, the pillow was too hot and the room was too quiet.

What am I doing? Why can't I just sleep? Why can't I just…Stop thinking about him, stop replaying every word and stop hoping.

What the hell is wrong with me?

I sat up. The clock on my nightstand said 11:47. It was almost midnight.

I should be asleep. I have to meet Chloe tomorrow. I need to be…

I swung my legs over the side of the bed and stood up and I walked to the window.

The street below was empty. The streetlights cast orange pools on the pavement. Somewhere in the distance, a dog barked.

What am I doing?

Why am I at the window? Why can't I just…

Go back to bed Maya….close your eyes and pretend everything is normal. Pretend your whole life hasn't fallen apart. Pretend…

I walked out of my room.

The apartment was dark. Papa's chair was empty, his coffee mug was still in the sink from the morning before everything happened. The morning before the hospital. The morning before the text messages and the threats and the photo of him asleep in his bed.

The morning before everything changed.

It all changed so fast. One day I was a girl with a best friend and a boyfriend and a spot on the cheer team and the next day I was nothing. The next day I was the girl in the photos, the girl in the videos, the girl everyone whispered about.

And now…Now my father is in the hospital. Now my life is so tangled up with Justin's that I can't tell where I end and he begins. Now I'm standing in my dark apartment at almost midnight, wearing old jeans and a hoodie, staring at the front door like it might give me answers.

I put on my shoes. I didn't think about it. I just…did it.

The cold air hit my face when I stepped outside. The sky was clear, the stars were out and the moon was a thin crescent hanging low over the rooftops.

Just a walk. I just needed some air, just to clear my head.

That's all this is. That's all it needs to be.

I walked past the corner store with the flickering sign. Past the old oak tree where the neighborhood kids played. Past the school, dark and empty, the flag still waving in the night breeze.

Just a walk.

Just…

I stopped.

I was in Justin's neighborhood.

Wait.

Why am I here?

How did I get here?

I wasn't…

I didn't mean to…

My feet just…

They just brought me here without even thinking.

I should turn around. But I didn't. I kept walking until I was at his door.

This was insane.

It was midnight and I was standing outside my coach's house. A man who had kissed me in front of the whole school. A man who had said "Because I didn't want to." A man who had a girlfriend named Cynthia who showed up at parties and kissed him and talked about rings and made me feel like I was nothing.

What am I doing here?

What would I even say?

"Hi, I couldn't sleep, also my life is falling apart, also I can't stop thinking about you, also I don't know what you meant when you said you didn't want to deny it. Also…"

No. Absolutely not.

Turn around Maya. Just go home. Forget this ever happened.

Go…

The lights were on. I could see them through the window. A warm glow in the living room and a shadow moving behind the curtain.

He's awake.

He's awake and I'm standing outside his house at midnight like a crazy person.

He's going to think I'm…He's going to…

Turn around, Maya.

Turn around and…

I turned.

I started walking back. My heart was pounding, my face was hot and my hands were shaking.

That was close. That was fucking close.

What was I thinking?

I wasn't thinking. I never think when it comes to him.

I just…I just feel, and that's the problem.

The door clicked open behind me.

I froze.

No.

No, no, no.

Please don't let it be…Please…

"What the hell are you doing here?"

The voice wasn't Justin's.

I turned.

Cynthia was standing in the doorway. She was wearing a silk robe, dark red. Her hair was loose, falling over her shoulders. She looked like she'd just woken up. Or like she'd just been about to go to sleep.

My stomach dropped.

What is she doing here?

Is she staying here?

Cynthia was wearing a silk robe.

No. No. She couldn't be...Could she?

The fact that she looked completely comfortable standing in his doorway. Like it was a normal thing for her. Like she belonged there.

Did Justin lie to me?

What about "Because I didn't want to"?

What about all of it?

Cynthia's eyes moved over me slowly. The same way she'd looked at me at the party. The same way she'd looked at me in the hospital hallway.

Then she smiled. Not her usual cruel smile, but this was something worse. Something knowing.

"Well," she said, folding her arms across her chest. "This is awkward."

The words hung in the air.

I couldn't move or speak. I couldn't do anything except stand there, on the sidewalk, in the cold, staring at the woman who might be Justin's girlfriend.

This is awkward.

That's what she said.

Justin's shadow appeared behind her. He was wearing a t-shirt, dark gray. His hair was messy and his eyes were heavy.

He looked past Cynthia and saw me. His face changed.

"Maya?"

Silence.

"What are you doing here?" he asked.

What am I doing here?

I don't know. I don't know anything anymore. I don't know who you are. I don't fucking know what we are. I don't know why she's here or what she means to you or why you didn't deny it or why you said you didn't want to or…

I don't know anything.

Except…Except I need to leave now.

"I'm sorry," I said. "I shouldn't have…I didn't mean to…"

I turned and walked away.

"Maya…wait…"

"Goodnight."

My voice cracked. I hated that it cracked.

But I didn't stop. I didn't look back.

I just walked faster, until I was running and behind me, I heard Cynthia's voice, light and amused:

"Well. That was interesting."

And Justin's:

"Go inside, Cynthia."

But I didn't stop.

I couldn't. Because if I stopped, I would have to think about what I'd just seen, and I wasn't ready to think about that.

Not yet.

Maybe not ever.