Chapter 36 I DON'T KNOW WHO I AM ANYMORE
Trigger Warning: self-harm thoughts, emotional distress, identity dysphoria
(Adam's POV)
I haven’t spoken to Kael in seven days.
Seven days of pretending I don’t hear him whisper greetings to me every morning.
Seven days of pushing food trays away.
Seven days of curling into the corner of the bed like a wounded animal waiting to die.
And seven days of watching my body change into something I don’t recognize.
I don’t know what hurts more; the pain in my bones or the fear that I’m losing myself, piece by piece.
Kael still comes… every morning, every night.
He leaves warm meals. He whispers, “Please eat, sweetheart,” in that gentle Alpha voice that should make me feel safe.
But I don’t feel safe in my skin.
I feel trapped inside something that isn’t mine.
The marks on my arms have multiplied. They look like veins of light crawling under my skin. Sometimes they glow. Sometimes they burn. Sometimes they pulse like they’re… alive.
And sometimes, like last night, I see flashes.
Not dreams, not hallucinations. But memories of something I’ve never been.
Something monstrous, with claws where fingers should be.
Something with eyes that shine like they belong to a starved predator.
I can’t tell if the memories are mine or if I’m just losing my mind.
Maybe both.
…
This morning, the marks woke me up again: glowing, burning, and spreading…
My whole body felt like it didn’t fit right, like my bones were shifting under my skin. My heart was racing too fast. My breathing wouldn’t slow down.
And in that moment, all I could think was:
“I want out. I want out of this body. I want to rip myself free.”
I pressed my fingernails into my arm and dragged down.
Thin red lines bloomed. Not deep, but real.
A reminder that at least some part of me can still feel something human.
But it wasn’t enough.
I did it again. Harder.
My hands shook, but I kept scratching because the feeling in my skin — the crawling, the pulsing — it was unbearable. Like something inside me was trying to surface. And I hate it. I hate it so much. I want to tear my way out of this skin.
I could hear myself whimpering, “Stop… stop…”
I don’t know if I was talking to my skin or my mind or the thing inside me that isn’t human.
I wanted to tear it all off.
Strip away this fake exterior and find the real me underneath.
If there even is a real me.
…
Kael’s been under pressure too; I can see it in his eyes when he comes in.
The tension in his shoulders.
The way he breathes slower when he looks at me, like he’s trying to steady himself so he doesn’t show weakness.
He’s been fighting for me every single day while I hide from him like a coward.
I hate that.
I hate that he comes back smelling like stress and exhaustion and danger… because of me.
I hate that his pack is afraid.
I hate that Star Moon keeps attacking.
I hate that every whisper outside this door says I’m not worth it.
And sometimes, I believe them.
Sometimes, I think if I disappeared, everything would snap back into place.
But where would I even go?
This body is changing. My mind is changing.
And running wouldn’t fix anything; I’d still be trapped in myself.
Trapped in a skin that feels too tight, too wrong, and too foreign.
I dig my nails into my arm again, dragging down until I see sharp red lines.
Still not enough.
“Please,” I whisper to myself, “Just… stop. Stop feeling like this. Stop being this.”
But the crawling sensation intensifies, like something inside me is pushing upward.
Pressure builds in my chest. My breathing stutters. Tears sting my eyes and I can’t stop them.
My nails scrape harder.
Hard enough for pain to shoot up my arm.
Hard enough to make me gasp.
But even that doesn’t drown out the chaos inside.
The feeling that I’m disappearing.
Something in me cracks.
A small, broken sound escapes before I can swallow it.
Then another.
Then another.
And suddenly I’m clawing at myself, not thinking, just desperately trying to tear my skin.
“Get out— get OUT—” I sob through clenched teeth as my nails drag down my own skin. “I don’t want this! I don’t want any of this!”
My breathing turns frantic. I can’t get enough air. I feel like I’m drowning inside my own body.
I press harder.
Too hard.
The sting travels up my arm, sharp and angry, and a choked scream bursts out of me.
That scream must’ve been loud enough, because the door bursts open.
I barely have time to turn before Kael is there.
“Adam—!” His voice breaks on my name.
He crosses the room in two long strides and pulls me into his chest.
His arms wrap around me like a cage, but warm, safe, and real.
I shake violently. My breaths come in short, painful gasps.
“I can’t—” I sob. “I can’t do this, Kael— I can’t— my skin— it feels wrong— I want it gone— I want— I want—”
“Shh, darling, don't beat yourself up,” he whispers into my hair, voice trembling. “I’m here. I’m right here. Breathe with me.”
But I’m crying too hard to breathe.
I grip his shirt with shaking fingers.
My nails dig in.
I don’t want to hurt him, but I need something to hold on to or I’ll fall apart.
Kael cups the back of my head and presses my face into his shoulder.
His voice breaks as he says, “Sweetheart, please think of me too. Please don’t hurt yourself. Please—”
“I hate this,” I choke out. “I hate my body— I hate what I’m becoming— I hate… I hate everything—”
“Adam, listen to me,” Kael whispers, wiping tears off my cheeks with shaking thumbs. “You’re not becoming something evil. You’re scared. And that’s okay. I’m scared too.”
My breath stutters. “Why are you scared…?”
He pulls me closer, protective, desperate.
“Because I love you more than anything, and I don’t want to lose you to your own pain.”
My heart cracks.
Something in me breaks open, painful and soft.
“I don’t know who I am anymore,” I whisper against his chest. “I don’t know what’s inside me.”
Kael hugs me tighter, like he’s willing to take every broken piece and hold it together himself.
“You’re Adam,” he murmurs. “My mate. The boy I choose every day. The boy I will protect, no matter what changes, no matter what wakes inside you. You don’t have to be okay right now. Just let me hold you through it. Please don't hide it from me.”
And for the first time in days, I let myself collapse fully into him.
My shaking slows. My breathing steadies.
Kael’s warm hand rubs slow circles up and down my back, soothing the places I scratched.
He presses a kiss to the top of my head; soft, steady, and painfully grounding.
“Please don’t hide from me anymore,” he whispers. “We’ll get through this. Together.”
And even though I still feel lost inside my own skin, I cling to him like he’s the only solid thing left in my world.
Because right now… he really is.