Chapter 11 Confessions
“Don’t.” I swat his arm, laughing despite myself. “He worked here. He’s gone. Very gone.”
Truthfully, I wish I could erase the whole memory. I remember feeling ridiculous afterward, not just because it was awkward, but because the reason I’d done it was even worse. —that I did it because I was jealous.
Cassain had been seeing someone then. She was beautiful. Effortless. The kind who looked like she knew exactly how to please a man.
My younger, stupid brain decided that meant I needed to know how too. I thought being good at sex would somehow make me enough.
Turns out, there wasn’t much time to learn when the whole thing ended almost as soon as it started.
“You scared him off, didn’t you?” he asks.
I shake my head. “You did. Afterward, he panicked so badly about you finding out that he disappeared by morning.”
I remember the fear in his eyes, and despite everything, it almost makes me laugh now.
Cassain laughs under his breath, shaking his head. His dark hair slips forward, brushing his brows. “I’m sorry I ruined your chance at true love.”
“Please,” I groan. “Hardly.” I shudder. “It took him forever just to figure out where to put his dick.
Cassain makes a disgusted face, like he’s genuinely offended on my behalf. I can’t help noticing how easy confidence sits on him—pretty sure that’s one problem he’s never had to deal with.
“I’m sorry your first time didn’t turn out the way you hoped,” he says quietly, his gaze drifting past me, like he’s staring at something far away.
I swallow and turn my face aside, suddenly very interested in the view. Shame crawls up my spine. The truth sits heavy in my chest—I had always pictured my first time being with him.
Ridiculous, I know. Cassain is sharp-edged and intimidating, built of command and danger, but I’m certain he would have been gentle where it mattered. He would’ve made it mean something.
I think, maybe without realizing it, I was waiting for him to offer. Waiting for a sign. Looking back now, it feels foolish… and a little embarrassing.
“So why tell me now?” he asks. “Why not then?”
“Because back then,” I admit, letting out a breath, “I was convinced you’d hunt the poor guy down and kill him.”
A beat.
He smirks. “You weren’t entirely wrong.”
A corner of his mouth lifts. “I said I’d only hurt someone if they hurt you,” he replies, thoughtful, the wind tugging loose strands of hair across his forehead. “And from what I can tell, you weren’t actually harmed.”
I wince hard at the memory. Funny how time works—the sting of embarrassment lasts longer than the physical pain ever did.
I let out a sound somewhere between a laugh and a groan. “Physically? Maybe not. Emotionally?” I hug my knees tighter to my chest. “My pride never recovered.”
He glances at me, clearly amused.
“And it did hurt,” I add quickly, wrinkling my nose. “which is annoying, considering he wasn’t exactly… impressive.”
Onyx freezes for half a second. Then he laughs. Really laughs. Head tipped back, shoulders shaking, completely unguarded.
The kind I don’t see often, deep and unguarded. I glare at him, though I can’t help smiling too.
I stare at him. “Wow. I’m glad my lifelong embarrassment brings you so much joy.”
“It was your first time,” he manages between laughs. “It’s not supposed to be magical right away.”
“Well, it was tragic,” I mutter. “But at least I know he’s probably put several packs between himself and me by now. So… I think he’s safe.”
I don’t mention that distance probably wouldn’t stop Cassian if he truly wanted someone gone. The guy is lucky he doesn’t know that.
Cassian shakes his head, still smiling. “He’s safe. Trust me.”
We fall quiet after that, watching the dark clouds roll closer, heavy and swollen with rain. The air feels charged, like it’s waiting for something to break.
“Have you been with anyone since then?” he asks after a moment, voice careful.
I hesitate, then shake my head. “No. It just never happened.”
Part of me wants to lie. To sound experienced. Confident. Like he isn’t the one person who can still make my chest feel tight with a single look. But lying feels wrong here.
His expression gives nothing away. “That’s… unfortunate.”
I nudge him with my shoulder, forcing a grin. “What about you? How many poor souls have you dragged into that bedroom of yours?” I tease, even as something sharp twists in my chest. “And don’t deny it. Lucia caught a half-naked girl sprinting through your hallway a few years back.”
He shrugs, like it’s nothing worth mentioning. “A few, over the years. Not lately.”
“Why not?”
He looks at me for a second too long. The silence stretches, thick and charged. I almost speak just to break it, but I don’t.
“Different priorities,” he finally says.
Before I can respond, a cold drop lands on my arm. Then another hits my nose. Then my hair.
“Oh hell—rain.” I say quickly, scrambling to my feet. “Rain. This is how storms start. I need to get inside.”
Cassain rises with me and catches my arm before I can bolt. “Come on,” he says with a smirk.
“Let’s get my mistress home before she melts.”
I roll my eyes and jab him lightly in the ribs. “Keep talking like that and I’ll trip you on the way down.”
He laughs as we start back toward the house, the sky rumbling behind us like a warning neither of us is ready to face yet.