Chapter 357: You don't know what I did

Denalii POV

"It's nothing." I say not looking at him.

"Lucky what's wrong brother." Pickle asks him moving me to the side.

"Denalii and Sheldon aren't coming home with us? I don't like this. I don't know what happened? Is it because I lost Finn?" He asks.

Fuck! Fuck! I'm just making it worse! Pickle looks at me like he's going to kill me.

"What?" Pickle asks "No Lucky! Hey brother focus. It's me. I'm here and It will be alright, I've got you." He pulls Lucky in to a hug.

"Pickle I got him." Sheldon says. He takes Lucky's arm and helps him to a chair next to River. She looks out of it now as well.

"What the fuck are you doing?" Pickle says dropping his voice.

"I don't fucking know okay! I didn't mean to upset him." I look down unable to meet his eyes.

"Pickle can't take care of us all alone! No! I'm not going to just sit here and watch my family fall apart!" Lucky yells from the chair now standing but he's wobbling.

"I'll get him." I say taking a deep breath.

"No!" Pickle yells putting his hand on my chest "You've done enough!"

"He's right.. you can't take care of River and Lucky like this and the kids on top of it. I'll hire someone to help and I'll ask Flame to step in."

"Are you fucking serious right now?" Pickle yells turning back to me, I quickly look at the floor.

"You did this! No one else is to blame and your the one who keeps making it worse! This is on you, not us and not her! Pull you head out of your ass, grow up and come fucking home Denalii!" Pickle yells. Everyone turns and looks at us.

My dad comes walking over. Great that's all I need is a fucking lecture from him about responsibility right now.

"What's going on son? Are you guys having a fight? We can help each other out, I've already told you that we're okay with Sheldon recovering at the house with you guys where he belongs. Lucy will be there everyday and will help with the kids or whatever is needed."

"It's fine dad. We'll be staying at the compound."

"Okay I'll make the arrangements I will have the biggest bed I can find set up in the biggest room for you guys. Annie already has her own room set up there and I will have Stefano and Gio set up something for Colt. I'll let him pick his colors and whatever he wants to go in there." He says looking happy at the idea of us all being there.

"No dad just me. I don't know what Sheldon has planned but I'm coming home to the compound."

"Why son? You have your partners and the kids so why come to the compound?" He asks squeezing my shoulder.

"Dad please don't start." He looks at me for a minute.

"Don't start what? Worrying about my sons and my daughter.. or should I just be worrying about you? Your drinking a lot, is that what the fights about? Denalii are you using drugs again?"

I pull away from him "No I'm not using drugs again fuck!" I flip my hair back and reach down and grab my bag.

"We need to get going. You can lecture me on how big of a disappointment I am once we get home."

"I never said that son don't put words in my mouth cause your upset." He say grabbing my arm when I try to walk away again.

"What? What dad, what do you want to know? You want to know how I can't sleep at night without getting black out drunk! How I wake up screaming in pain for a leg that's not there! How my best friends were tortured for months because I wasn't doing my fucking job! Finn is still missing and can't even go with the guys to find him because I'm fucking useless now!" I cry not even caring that everyone is still here listening and watching. Let them! Let them all know how worthless I am!

"Denalii that's not true your not worthless and we can work through all this. Everyone is here for you guys, to help you guys through all of this."

"We? There's no fucking we! Its me! It me who keeping fucking everything up! Me!" I yell.

"Hey let's go for a walk brother." Nate says coming over and putting his hand on my shoulder.

"Don't touch me! Your the only one I haven't hurt yet. Everybody gets hurt because of me. Just go!"

I start limping off. My leg is killing me and I just need a drink and my pills. Nobody understands!

I finish my flask and throw it my bag, throwing two pain pills in my mouth I grab my bag and turn to leave.

Denalii?" River's voice stops me in my tracks. I don't turn and look at her but I can feel her eyes watching me "Denalii.. I don't understand.. I don't remember what I did but please come home. I'm trying to get better I really am." I can hear the confusion and desperation in her voice.

"River it's not you please just go with the guys and we'll talk later." I feel her arm on my back and I want to grab her and tell her how sorry I am. I want to be with her of course I do she's all I've ever wanted but I could hurt her again.

"Okay son let's get to the plane everyone is waiting and watching. This is a private talk to be had later, on the plane maybe." My dad says and I know he's trying to help but it just pisses me off more.

"Dad please stop! You don't know what I did!" I yell.

"Then talk to me or talk to them, son just talk to someone. Let us help, let us try to make things better."

River wraps her arms around me. I take a deep breath but when I turn all I see is the horror and pain in her face as she falls to the floor after I hit her. She don't remember but deep down her body does I see it in the way her body flinches from me, the way it tenses when I raise my voice or the way she jerks when I raise my hands to quickly.

"I can't do this!" I say pulling her arms from me.

"River you don't remember but trust me you don't want me around you right now."

"Why?" She asks. I go to move her hair back behind her ear like an automatic response I just can't help myself. As my hand moves up she flinches and closes her eyes like she's waiting for the hit to come. Sadness comes over her face and tears run down her cheek.