Chapter 160: I'm in shock

Lucky POV

"Lucky what happened?" Pickle says grabbing my shoulder.

I shake my head. He gives me the look he does, the tilted raised eyebrow stair.

"The test come back. I need to think about some shit."

He squeezes my shoulder "I know it doesn't feel like it now but we're here for you and what ever you decide. Lincoln thinks he can help, he's talking to his father and the partners and he'll get back to him. The girl's seen her back last night, so he called me to ask questions. I filled him in with some details but he's going to have some questions for you too."

"Fuck! I was to wrapped up in this shit to tell her so it wasn't such a shock when she seen it!" I say pissed at myself, I'm kicking myself now even more.

"She's fine,  I talked to her and I guess Abby said something weird to her too. Lucky call her man, you need her and she needs to know your still around" He squeezes my shoulder again and walks back to the hall to check on Flame, he's been lodged up her ass tight since the other day.

Brain asked me if I knew what was going on with that too. I can't think about other peoples shit right now. I need to drink, fuck or fight. I'm too tense I can't think when like this.

Annie, oh god, that little girl is fucking amazing so sweet and so observant. She's like a little mini me, I knew she was my sister the second Abby came through our door with her. She's my sister, I want her with me so I know she's safe. I can't raise her though right? She needs parents who will tuck her in at night, not one who will wake her up when he screams out in the middle of the night. She needs someone who will be there everyday, not someone who has to travel for work or for who fights people as a career or one that drinks himself to sleep most nights.

She needs someone responsible and reliable, that can't be me. I'm not the dad type and I definitely not the husband type. River would be a amazing mom but I can't expect her to take on such a big request. I can't ruin her life either. I think I have to let them both go. I think Pickle was right if I'm not in this forever I need to tell her, I don't want to hurt her but that's where this will end. I have to give Annie a chance at a real family and I have to give River a chance to be loved and I have to do them both sooner then later.

"I knew you would be out here spiraling"

I jump at the sound of a voice out here in the quite.

"Flame you scared me" I say hugging her, she looks rough and I've seen the druggie verson of her.

"Lucky, Pickle told us" I nod my head at her as I turn back leaning on the railing of the board walk looking at towards the market.

"Lucky that little girl worships you. You can't make a decision from here, you need to go hold her and spend some time making this decision. I'm leaving tonight if you want to join me. I need my Papi and I need to go to a meeting and call for a session with my counselor. It's not going to hurt you to go see River too. Ryder has till tomorrow to tell her or I'm done with him and Pickle will tell her."

I turn and pull her to me "Oh sweetheart"

"I can't do it anymore. I refuse to do it anymore. I'm not doing it for him anymore, It's hurting me and sobriety, I have to choose me or I won't survive this shit show!" She turns and leaves without another word.

I walk to the market place and buy a few bottles. If I'm going that means Pickle is staying with Brain. I pay for the whiskey and I see a beautiful hand made bracelet with a heart on it as I'm looking at that one I see one that has a bunny on it. They are made with thread or something and they are  hand stitched. I buy them both and put them in my pocket. I also buy a doll that Annie would love. It's like a handmade rag doll type with blonde hair and blue eyes and she's wearing a beautiful dress.

The lady shows me a little kids dress that matches the dolls, damn this lady is a great sales lady. She's trying to show me shirts that will match the dress for me, I shake my head and pay her for the doll and dress.

I get back and hurry and pack. I say my goodbyes to Pinky.

"Ryder I'm your brother and we both know I can't stay mad at you forever but I can hold a grudge for awhile. I love you brother and I really hope you make the right decision."

"Lucky please watch her, no matter what happens."

I nod.

I know he means River and not Flame, he already made me promise to keep River safe that first day. I lean and hug him.

I walk over to Pickle and he hugs me "Tell her I'll be home soon, you have to be there for her if he tells her before I get home. Friday is the latest I'm staying and If your in this 100% then you have mine and Finn's blessings" He hugs me again and walks away.

I'm in shock. I guess that would probably be the best way to to describe how I'm feeling right now. So what does that mean? Did they talk about me and now I'm what added to their weird little sharing River group? I'm not sure I can share like they do, I got pissed just watching them before especially Finn, she just looks at him differently. Even now she don't look at me or even Pickle that way. If she loves anyone more it's Finn.

I'm more panicked and nervous now that we're going home. The minute we land I'm heading to her.

As we board Flame says "My dad will be there when we land, I'm going to be gone for a little while, please let River know I never meant to hurt her and I'm sorry for my part." I nod as I squeeze her hand. I don't let go of her hand till she pulls it away.

I've know how to speak Flame I have since the day I found her in that trash can unable to talk and naked. Sometimes I wonder if it's because we're basically from the save family. We are from the same fucked up perverted church cult.

I close my eyes and drift asleep quickly as I think about River.