Chapter 71 Enough
“I can take you away from Beth. I can keep you safe. You and your sisters will be protected. I can take care of all of you financially. You won’t have to work unless you want to! Just marry me,” Rick whispered, just before he kissed me breathless.
What if Rick comes to the same conclusion as James? I'm just too... useless? Unsuitable to be loved? Another cold tear trails down my already numbed face. But if I'm turning numb, why the hell does it still hurt so bad?
I think back over my life. When I was younger I was sure nothing could go wrong, as long as I had my parents' love. I didn't need to be a little princess. I just needed to be loved.
And then they were stolen from me, according to Rick, but the man I am starting to loathe, and I was sent straight to hell. This is all Dean's fault!
Even Liv blames me for every damn thing that's happen to us. She thinks it's my fault Mom and Dad got into the accident so they could get home in time for my party... But she doesn't know what Rick knows... Or the fact that I've been blaming the whole damn thing on myself for the last 5 years.
I don't realize when my feet lead me down a footpath for a little bridge that overlooks a small river that runs right through town. I stand in the middle and look down at the murky silk sliding underneath me, wishing it could carry me off somewhere far away from here.
Am I really just a jinx?
Would I be better off dead? Maybe my sisters would be...
Maybe I'm just a burden to everyone. That's what Aunt Beth calls me. A burden, she doesn't even acknowledge me as family. Liv hates me half the time. And Charlie... There is something going on with her, and I just can't keep her safe.
James never loved me. I suppose that's fine. I was just a convenience... or something. His parents hate me, I guess I'm not good enough for them either, and he never stuck up for me even once at his parents' house. He'd just send me stupid little sorry smiles, like that would fix something. It didn't.
My whole damn life... I'm just not good enough for anyone... Have I not even earned respect enough to be human? To be loved like a regular person? It didn't have to be Rick. It certainly wasn't James. But what about any of the other boys at college or working around town? I'd even settle for one of the navy boys that would be overseas for months at a time! They aren't bad guys, but none of them paid me any attention...
Would anyone mourn me if I died?
Hailey would. She's the closest thing I've got to a mother. I'm pretty sure Charlie would be upset. At least I know one of my sisters loves me. Liv... she'd be sad I left her here with my aunt. Does that count as love or missing me? I don't really think so.
I think about Richard Kingston. They boy who teased and bullied me growing up. He told me we could never be friends. His friends were mean to me, and picked on me more than he did. I hated him. I hated that even though I hated him... I still felt something for him.
I think about Rick. I remember that night when I first gave that bastard James the second chance he's been wasting. Rick was so pissed. He stomped out of the darkness like some demon and came right up to me.
“Please tell me you didn’t give that prick another chance! He doesn’t deserve one, little dancer. You are too good for him!” he insisted. I wonder if he knew back then? He sure as hell didn't want me with him after that.
“Why?” I still didn't know half of what I know now. Maybe if he'd just come out and told me I'd be with Rick right now...
“Because... Because you are mine, Josie! I would treat you better than that bastard ever has! Can’t you see that?” He looked like he was torn between wanting to kiss me and shake me to wake me up.
“I don’t even know you, Rick!” I argued. “I know you know who I am, but I don’t know you! How the hell can I be yours?”
“But you do! You always have! That’s the thing... but it doesn’t matter anymore. I’m not who I used to be, Josie. I’ve grown up and I deserve a chance to prove it to you!"
“Then who exactly are you, Rick?” I was so damn tired of his non-answers! I just needed him to come out and tell me straight.
“Richard Kingston,” he growled out. “That is who I am. But Josie, I swear I’ve changed! You gotta know... I didn’t want to hurt you like I did!”
He's right. Rick has changed.
I blink my tears and they drip into the flowing river.
So have I. But is that going to be enough for him?