Chapter 97 Not ready to let go

Chapter 97 Not ready to let go
The next day when I arrived at the dinner, I found my folks and Natte's mom together with her grandson Natte was there too and was really talking shit I'm now on my site opposite him not knowing what he's up to

Natte’s voice is deep and powerful, and is echoing raw around the in the private room.

And I know in this moment what he’s doing. He hasn't accepted that I refused to forgive him yesterday just after he told me he was also my night guy Pine.

He’s not playing the cool guy I know, he’s playing crazy drug Natte. He’s telling me he’s back there. He’s telling me he’s lost his reason to live.

I see it in his eyes when he opens them again, looking straight at me, talking to everyone so hauntingly beautiful.

And I can’t help the tears that start to run down my face.

My heart is breaking as we stare at one another. Natte is spilling his soul and body dry to me, and for this moment it’s only him and me in this hotel room, in the whole world, the entire universe.

I can’t believe he’s baring himself to everyone like this.

Exposing us.

This isn’t Natte I want. My Natte is private. And I don’t want this. This is exactly what I don’t want.

Then it’s all too much, and I’m moving before I realize. Turning, I push my chair and run off.

I have no idea where I’m going, I just have to get away.

Away from his pain, from my pain. Just far away from this complete agony that he’s inflicting upon me.

I hear my name being called from behind, but I can’t stop.

I’m running past people in the hallway, god knows how in these heels, tears blurring my vision.

The next thing I know Natte is grabbing hold of me from behind, pulling me around to face him.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” he pants, breathless. There are tears in his eyes. Mine are dripping off my chin, down onto my lovely dress.

There are people everywhere, watching us. Our parents are out too

“You shouldn’t have done that.” I pull myself free from his hold and step back down a corridor out of everyone’s view.

Natte follows me.

I wipe my face dry with my hands. “You shouldn’t have spoken like that, and lemme tell you I'm not getting back with an addict.”

“What am I supposed to do? You won’t talk to me. You won’t listen. You’ve just cut me off dry.” His face crumples. “I knew the only way I could get you to finally hear me was through this dinner I've accepted to go back to rehab, I'll do the two years full rehab. And about my son, I know I was being a dickhead when I snapped at you while you were trying to help me get back with him, be a good dad, what we talked about that day, I'm sorry yoo…” He steps close to me, cupping my cheek with his hand.

I almost break at the feel of his skin on mine after been so long without him, so bereft without him.

“You’re my life, Shia. My everything. And you always will be. I need you to know that, and I need you to believe me when I tell you I didn’t have sex with those girls.”

I swallow past my salty tears. “I know it was all a lie.”

I gulp down hard against the words I know I have to say.

“Natte, I believed that you’ve been telling the truth for a while now. I didn’t at first seeing you there with them, it was so horrific” I wince at the memory. “But I do now. I believed you long before but it doesn’t change anything. We still can’t be together.”

I watch as a dozen emotions scroll across his face.

“Why not?” he asks hurt.

“Because I’m not cut out for this life with you. I’m not strong enough to handle the stuff that comes with it with you. Deep down I already knew, but this past week with what happened, and the constant behavior of yours it brought, I thought I could live with it live my life with the man I love with our your son I can be a good mom to him if it meant having you, but I can’t.”

I leave his stare, casting my eyes down, the pain in his face almost too much to bear. Fresh tears break free down my cheeks.

“I’ll give it all up,” his tone is suddenly fixed, serious.

“I’ll leave it all behind the business, the Fame, everything let's live together the three of us,” he adds resolute.

My eyes flick back up to his. “No, Natte, you can’t do that for me.”

“I can, and I will,” he says steadily. “I’ll give everything up without a second thought if it means being with you. We can move away from everyone just like we talked about that time. You remember on the phone? When we talked about building a house on an island. It doesn’t just have to be a pipe dream, we can really do that. Just me you and the son. We can have a house built wherever you want, away from all of this.”

“Natte…” I shake my head. “It wouldn’t work because it’s not who you are. This is what you live for and worked for. It’s who you are, and if you gave it up for me, after a time you’d start to resent me.”

“I wouldn’t.”

“Yes you would. And even if by some miracle you didn’t, it still wouldn’t make a difference because they’re not ready to let you go.

His eyebrows pull in. “And I’m not ready to let go of you, and I never will be.”

Briefly closing my eyes, I say, “I’m not enough for you, Natte, that’s why you turned back to the drugs after the news story broke about your dad. I don’t know what is enough for you, but it’s not me. I’m not enough to keep you straight like you once said I was.”

“You can’t honestly believe that? Jesus Christ, Shia!” His tone is so forceful, it yanks my eyes back to him.

His eyes are as fiercely determined as his voice.

“I was just being a weak fuckin’ idiot! It was about me and him my demons that I never exorcised, never about you or us. And I promise you I will never go back there again. Losing you because of what I did because of the drugs, was the single worst thing that has ever happened to me. If I was ever going to need to keep using it was this last week losing you. But I stopped, Shia. I haven’t touched a thing since that night, and I won’t ever again.”

“I’m nothing without you Shia, nothing.”

His words on some fundamental level are reaching me, touching me, because I know exactly how he feels. I’ve felt so lost, so adrift so dead inside without him.

But how can we be together with all these problems we have sitting between us? I know I can’t deal with the life that accompanies him.

I shake my head. “I just don’t know, Natte.”

“I do.” He tightens his hold on me, clinging to my face desperately with his hand, tangling his fingers into my hair.

“And what about Pine?” I snap suddenly, the words breaking out of me. “What about the lies? You stood in front of me, touched me, lived with me and you never told me who you really were.”

He freezes at that.

“That wasn’t a lie,” he says roughly. “That was me trying to be someone you could love without all the bullshit attached to my name.”

“You don’t get to decide that for me,” I fire back. “You don’t get to rewrite yourself and then act like I should just accept it.”

“I was trying to protect you.”

“No,” I shake my head, anger rising through my tears. “You were hiding. You always hide. Behind fame, behind drugs, behind another name.”

“I showed you more of myself as Pine than I ever have as Natte.”

“And none of it was real because it wasn’t honest,” I shoot back. “You took my choice away. You let me fall for you again without even knowing who I was falling for.”

“I am the same man,” he says, voice breaking now. “Pine or Natte it’s me, it’s always been me loving you.”

“But you didn’t trust me enough to tell me,” I whisper, my voice cracking. “And if you couldn’t trust me with the truth then how am I supposed to trust you with anything else?”

My emotions are rising to epic proportions, so I clench my teeth forbidding anymore tears to fall.