Chapter 35

Hades wants to talk to me? That's all I hear. I look at him and think about how he just sat on the phone. That's all. Until earlier. Like he wasn't even looking and now I hear him mutter a tired thank you. He leans against the chair I sat on earlier. It's quiet. I lean against a desk, a few steps away from him. It's quiet. It's quiet.

"Can you show me your sister?" I ask.

He slowly raises his head towards me. He unlocks the phone and hands it to me.

"Search the gallery," he asks.

I pick up the phone. I open it. I see it. I want to tell her she's gorgeous. That she looks just like him and that I can't wait to play with her. I find a video of him playing and then I stop. I start the video again. He has bandages on his hand. I look at his covered wrists and I don't need to check it. I know, like I can feel it inside me. My chest tightens and my eyes immediately water.

"You tried to commit suicide."

I'm not asking him. I know. He looked at me tiredly. He approved.

"I didn't really try. If I wanted to I would have waited and done. I changed my mind or... I don't know. I started bandaging myself like an idiot."

"Why idiot? Do you think it's a good idea to kill yourself? Hades? Why did you do this? Look at me," I ask and come to him. "Why did you do this? When?"

I take his hands in mine. He lets me. He's soft. He lets me undo his cuff and lift his shirt. To caress his scars. I tell myself it hasn't been more than a month since he did this. I'm counting deep wounds. The bark is still visible and the wounds haven't healed. He doesn't look at me he looks at his arms. At his injured arms.

"About three weeks ago," that's all he says.

"Ah. And you didn't think to..." I'll stop because I don't want to blame him for anything. "Do you think... the Wade family has anything to do with this?"

"It's just too much. I want to put an end to it."

"I know. I know, "I'm hesitant. "But you won't do it, okay? Promise me you won't? Not yet?"

"Still?"

"Still. Wait until I get out. Please wait until I get out. I want to spend a whole day together and if after this you still want to do it then I swear I won't stop you. Please. One day."

He massages his temples.

"One day," he repeats. "I want to hug you Kassie. I need this. Can I hug you? I know you said we were just friends. Like a friend, then. Can I?"

I don't know why he's asking me.

"Of course. You can hug me anytime Hades. You just know. And you can visit me. Whenever you want. And I'll call you."

"Are you going to suck the guard to call me?" He asks tiredly. "Sorry. You're doing your best. I know that. And I appreciate him doing this for me."

"I would do more than that for you and you know it."

He rests his head on my chest. He closes his eyes and I run my hands through his hair. I hold him close to me. I forgive him and kiss his forehead. I hold him close to me. I tell myself that I will do everything I can to make sure he gets through this moment. And I also want to know who brought him here but for that, I just need to talk to Mina before I go live.

"The Wade family," that's all I can hear.

And Apollo knows, because he knows me. He knows I shouldn't be doing the interview, that I'm angry, and that something's wrong. And I think he's afraid I'll say the wrong thing, anything that would put them in danger. I think he understands at the same time that he's safe, and their family. Because I would never let anything happen to Hades, to his son. And I think that's the only thing we have in common, the two of us. The determination to protect Hades' ass at all costs. I can't say I feel the same way about Delilah.

"So you had sexual relations with the victim, right?" I hear the journalist like a dream and I realize that I've been having a conversation with this man for some time.

"Without my permission, yes. Once in my room. In my bed. I already told the police but I can tell you if you want. And you want," I understand. "He came to the house. Delilah Wade answered the door… Ahh… She had a fight with her boyfriend and had been staying at my place for a few days. Eddie brought the drink. I refused. Not because of my age but because I had my own period… My mother used to drink sometimes and when she did she would completely ignore us. She wrote. She liked to write. So yes, I had a drink. Delilah drank more than that. Then she…"

"So you weren't drunk."

"No. I had only had one drink. I think he had hoped I would drink more than that. The frustrating thing is that I had tried to be friends with him that summer. To… When we were little he had tried to make a strange declaration of love to me, in the style of 13-year-old boys. He had started with some insults. We never spoke again after that."

"And why did you want to be friends with him? To reconnect?"

I look backstage. At my father. I wet my lips.

"I was with Hades one evening, I think it was the evening at the cabin. And we talked about Eddie. About boyfriends and potential boyfriends, including him. Before that event, Eddie and I were pretty close. Not the best of friends, but we got along pretty well."

"I understand. And how did you feel when you saw Eddie again? Or that night. What did you feel that night?"

"I was angry," I whisper. "Helpless. Desperate to... Escape. To end it. So I set them on the hunt."

"And yet, Eddie was a tall, well-built man, while you're just a little girl and... How could you do everything you did to him alone? There are theories, you know, that suggest you had help."

"No," I quickly reassured him. "No. He was shot in the leg when I came upon him. And then, I closed my eyes and fired. Instinctively. I hit him twice. It was enough to weaken him. Then he… Hated the rest."

"Yes? Are you sorry? Do you feel regret?"

"It's… How can I tell you? I understand that what I did was wrong but I want you to understand that he wasn't an innocent man and that I didn't plan this. I was ready to kill and he appeared in front of me. I was furious. His voice, just his voice made everything come back. It was my way of taking control of my life."

"Ah! Do you have any plans for the future? I understand that you are taking higher education courses, right? Journalism?"

"Yes. I'm in my second year. And I started working on a book that will present the story of some of my bunk mates from their mouths. Their version. I got married and made friends. I miss my dad though and my old friends. The fresh air and... the music.. I miss the music honestly. I know I deserve what I get. I know I shouldn't have done it."

"You married…" look in your notes. "Your teacher, right? My sources tell me, however, that at the time of your arrest you were having a relationship with another man. Your husband's brother-in-law, to be more precise. Hades Leigh.."

"Hades and I have been friends since childhood," I hesitate. "And I've known Travis long before he was my teacher, and I can assure you that our relationship didn't start until after the arrest."

"So you and Hades Leigh didn't have a relationship."

I look backstage. Not at Hades, at Apollo. He shakes his head as if begging me to say no. As if it's safer that way.

"After he temporarily broke up with Delilah we started spending a little more time together. That was it. I thought the interview was supposed to be about Eddie after all."

"Yes, yes," he assured me. "I'm just trying to understand the events that led you there. Tell me about your mother. You said she had a problem with alcohol?"

"No. Mom's not an alcoholic. She liked the wine her grandfather sent her, that's all. It helps her write. That's all."

"Of course. And your father? Are you close to him?"

"Of course. I adore my father."

"It must have been disappointing for him to find out that his daughter did what she did."

"You have to ask him. I can't know what others felt."

Approve.

"Then tell me how you feel. Do you have a message for the victim's family?"

"Yes," I sigh." I'm sorry for the suffering caused. The impulse of the moment didn't let me think about those left behind. I can't hope to be forgiven but I can... I can't do anything, I understand."

"You're very at peace with what you did. You're very calm. It's almost scary."

"Oh! I'm sorry. I'm not trying to scare you. Or scare anyone. But yes, I've accepted what I did. Acceptance is Pandora's first healing, I guess. So I accept myself so I can change. To know that... To let go of this anger."

"Do you still feel it?"

"Only when I have nightmares."

"About Eddie's death?"

"No. About the rape. I know I can't use that word on TV, "I assure him when he wants to attract my attention. "But that's what happened. So if you want to know the truth then you have to expose it all."

As if I were going to start telling them the truth now. Only the thought scares me because I know what it means. The truth only means trouble. The truth only means I'd lose the Leigh family's support and Hades would get in trouble. Mine. Athena. No, I can't do that. So I keep quiet or keep lying, telling half-truths and repeating the poem I already know by heart.