Chapter 33

"I missed hearing your voice. How are you? Are you eating?"

"I gained 3 kg," I'm lying to him.

I lost four pounds. I think he knows I'm lying.

"You're under 40, right?" He asks me right away. "I know your sarcasm Kassie. You're under 40?"

"38. But I feel good."

And by “I feel fine” I mean it’s none of his business. I say I’ve been dizzy a few times and haven’t had my period in 4 months, but I know I’m not pregnant. I tell him I’m hungry but I can’t eat. That I’m giving in, again. Hades knows how to read between the lines.

"I get it," he sighs. "Kassie, you have to take care of yourself there. And so Gerald worries about you. And actually… All of us."

"Especially you", I snort.

"You have no right to talk to me like that. You just know."

"No rights?"

I'm starting to get annoyed but he follows me closely.

"Stop acting innocent. You're the one who made it clear you didn't want to see or hear from me, and you're the one who got married first. Apollo texted me. Travis did too. That doesn't mean I care about you any less, but damn if I have to sit around and pray."

"Who told you what?"

I didn't know I could get angry and then calm down so quickly.

"You're being silly. You talked to Travis and Apollo. They both told me you don't even want to hear from me and I understand. It was a mistake to bring him in there under your nose. I knew you were angry. We didn't expect you to be so… Graphic in your work. Or to actually do it. I was sure you'd at most punch him twice and that was it. I would have killed him for you, that was the plan. I was hunting him with Travis when you found him. So I didn't look for you, like you wanted, but damn it," he knows I think about you every day and that I try not to…

"Hades," I whisper his name and I feel my heart beating hard and I feel the warmth and emotions and inspiration again. "I didn't ask them for anything," I whisper.

"What?"

"I don't have..."

"Is that Kassie?" I hear my father's voice.

I'm sure he didn't understand what he said.

"Yes," Hades answers. "Repeat once more, please," he whispers while he still has the phone in his hand.

"I didn't ask them for anything."

"Not that," he laughs. "My name."

Oh!

"Hades," I whisper.

"Kassie…" He answers me and his voice sounds almost like a moan.

I close my eyes. I didn't even know how much I missed him until I heard him. I hear my dad in the room, I think he's getting dressed or something.

"Can I come see you now?" He asks me.

"No. Not yet," I answer. "I want to know why they lied. And what other lies they told. Not to mention that..."

That he should have looked for me anyway. That he shouldn't believe him. Not to mention that I have feelings for Travis and that I already owe Apollo a lot. That the situation isn't simple.

"What else can you say?"

That Travis loves me back. He told me so. Hades instead...

"That even though you say you care about me and I can care about you, things are a lot more complicated now. We're practically relatives. You're not going to divorce Delilah and I don't think I'm going to divorce Travis. Not anytime soon. And maybe it would be better if we used this time, which we still have apart, to learn how to be friends."

"And love me like a sister," he snorts. "No? What else do you want?"

"I'm trying to be rational. We never had a chance. I see that now."

I don't see why my eyes feel stinging and I cry. Why my chest hurts and I hold my hand over my mouth to keep from screaming the words I really want them to hear. Things I don't want to admit. Things I'm afraid of.

"Madness," he whispers, and I don't understand what he means." You, my little moonlight, are pure Madness."

"Does that mean I have mental problems?"

Part of me doesn't want to understand the poetry in his words.

"You know I'm not saying that," hesitate. "You know that… Gerald. I'm glad to hear you, Kassie. Don't forget to eat, please. And take care."

"You take care too," I hesitate. "Dad?"

"Kassie!" I hear her cheerful voice. "Blue or gray tie?"

"None," I assure him. "You have a red one on the top shelf. Try that one. Or the emerald green one. It would highlight your eyes beautifully."

"I already lent the red one to Hades. I know it's a gift from you but you also know I don't wear it and he needed it. It actually looks good on him. I should take a picture of it just so you can see."

"Ah! If it suits him so well to keep it," I hesitate. "If you don't think you can wear it. I'll get you another one. Ahh… Dad? Does Hades come by there often?"

I ask him softly and Dad realizes I'm doing it just for him. I hear him moving and I think he's left the room.

"Once a week. More often than Travis sometimes. Saturday nights we watch the game together. Didn't I ever tell you?"

No. I shake my head as if he sees me.

"That's nice of him."

"He's a good boy. Better than the other one. I don't understand why you broke up with him."

"Why better than the other?" I insist.

"I'll tell you another time. I don't have time now. Let's just say I'm friends with Hilda Rosenberg, the psychologist at the academy. I'll tell you," he assures me. "But not today. So the green tie?"

"Yes. And the good slippers. And put your hair on the left. It looks better that way. And… Use your mother's perfume. It'll be full of fluffies in there."

"Fluffies?"

"I don't know what it means," I confess. "But I think it has to do with rich and arrogant men. And there will be plenty of them there. I miss going to these parties too. How I would kiss the little one," I say.

"You have time when you get back. It won't be long now. A year is almost up and Harold tells me you'll definitely be out in three. What did you tell him?"

"What?"

"To Hades. What did you say to him?" Whisper. "It looks like you've sunk all his ships."

"I told him we're relatives now. And that we need to learn to be friends," I hesitate.

"Ah! It's true," hesitate. "But still. This boy cares about you."

I don't want to hear this. I don't want to have this conversation. I wish him a good time and tell him I have to go. I stay. Part of me wants to call Travis. Apollo. Ask him how dare he speak on my behalf like that, but I know Apollo's motivations. Hades and Delilah are good for business. They're married, which is all Apollo hoped for. It's good for the family. I'm not mad at Apollo, but I hate Travis. I feel our relationship cooling down again. Breaking away from Hades has taken control. I feel like it's my turn to move a piece. When I get back, though, I sit down next to Kim. I smile broadly and warmly.

"Will you teach me to play chess?"

I don't know why this is my first move. I feel like it's not helping me at all, but this is what I want to do. To play. To learn what it means to wait, to sacrifice, and to move to win. Chess is the most strategic game I know. I'm learning to be quiet. To wait and sacrifice my position for Travis. To wait until I have all the information before confronting my husband. So far, this is his only bad move. His only mistake. And maybe I should forgive him because it's his first time. Or wait to see if he makes another one. Or understand him. And that's important. I think about it until I feel dizzy. I know I need to eat. It's just that I don't feel like doing it. I'm hungry but I can't find any motivation. I can't find anything, really.