Chapter 19 But no! This is wrong!
Ryan
I have to admit it. Sleeping around does not feel as good as it once did.
I am not going to stop, of course. I still do it. A lot. It is just that it used to be exciting, and now it feels like a job I have to do. It is all the same. It is fucking boring.
So, every night, there is still a different girl in my room. This is normal. This has been my life for years. My father knows and he does not give a damn. But for Saraphina and her mother, it is a big deal. I can see it in their eyes. I saw the look on Saraphina’s face when she saw one of them leaving my room, her clothes a mess.
Yeah. She is completely disgusted by me.
Saraphina
After what happened on the yacht, Ryan and I stopped speaking. I still see him all the time in the house, showing off whatever girl he is with that week. Sometimes I think he does it on purpose, just to prove to me how great he thinks his life is. Honestly, I cannot even tell them apart anymore. After a week of seeing so many different faces, they all started to look the same. I have started calling every single one of them ‘honey’ too.
Why should I care? Why does it bother me so much? What do I care which ‘honey’ he decides to fuck tonight?
One good thing did come from Ryan’s party, though. I left with my new friend, Gabe. He was sad about Maddie, so I took him to a diner for a milkshake. We became close friends after that.
Gabe is nothing like Ryan and his crowd. He does not spend all day talking about girls and sex. He is creative. He plays music. He performs in coffee shops and small bars. I have gone to watch him play a few times, like tonight.
“This next song is for my friend, Saraphina, right over there,” he said into the microphone, and I had to laugh.
People clapped and cheered as he started to play “Say You Won’t Let Go.” No one has ever sung a song just for me before. It felt special. I get why girls fall for musicians. Gabe smiled right at me while he sang, and for no reason I could name, I felt my face get warm.
Like he always does, Gabe drove me home. He usually says goodnight from the car, but tonight was different. He asked if he could walk me to the door.
“Thanks for coming out tonight,” he said. He seemed more nervous than usual.
“Of course. I had a really good time,” I told him.
“So, um, they are showing an old movie at the drive-in next week. I remember you said you like those. Do you want to go? With me?” he asked.
“You mean, like a date?” I said, being careful.
“Yeah. Oh, yeah. I mean, yes,” he said, tripping over his words.
“I do not know, Gabe,” I sighed. “I do not really go on dates.” Wait… did I just sound exactly like Ryan?
Thinking about my own rule made me think of his, and I hated that. I am not avoiding dates because I only want to get laid. I am against the whole idea of something casual.
“Oh, okay. No problem,” Gabe said, trying to smile.
He was trying to hide it, but I could see he was hurt. The truth is, Gabe is a good person. He is sweet. Maybe one date would not be so terrible.
“You know what, I will think about it. I will let you know,” I said. His face lit up right away with relief.
“Great. Have a good night, then,” he said. He paused, looking right at me. He swallowed, and his eyes dropped to my mouth.
Oh no. I think he wants to kiss me.
“Ahem.” A loud sound cut through the quiet.
It was Ryan, walking out of the garage and toward the front door. He was watching us like we were prey. Gabe jumped back.
“Saraphina,” Ryan said, stopping close to us.
“Ryan,” I replied. The three of us just stood there, frozen. Ryan was glaring at Gabe, who looked like he wanted to disappear. I had to say something. “Gabe, this is my stepbrother, Ryan. Ryan, this is Gabe,” I said, moving my hand between them.
Gabe held out his hand. Ryan shook it without any real feeling.
“So, I will see you,” Gabe said to me.
“Yes, I will text you,” I answered. He turned and walked to his car.
Ryan was staring at me, his eyes narrow, but I ignored him and went into the house. He followed me all the way to my bedroom door.
“Saraphina, wait,” he said, just as I was about to go inside.
“What do you want?”
“Are you going to go out with him?” The question came out of nowhere.
“Why do you care?” I shot back.
“Just answer the fucking question,” he said, his eyes dark and intense.
“I do not know. Maybe,” I said with a shrug.
“Do not go out with him.”
“With Gabe? Why not?”
“Just do not.”
I tilted my head and stared right at him. “Do not worry about Gabe. He is a good guy. He is nothing like you or your friends.”
Ryan was quiet for a moment, then he let out a short laugh. “Okay, fair.”
“So? What is your problem?” I pressed him.
“I do not know, I just… I do not like the way he looks at you…” he mumbled.
I sighed and rolled my eyes. “Look, I do not tell you which girl you can or cannot see. What happens between me and Gabe is not your business, so stay out of it.” He looked surprised, maybe even a little hurt. I guess he did not think I would talk to him like that.
I thought the conversation was over. I turned to go into my room, but in one fast move, Ryan put his hand on the door to stop me. He pushed his way inside, grabbed my arm, and pulled me close. Then his mouth was on mine.
What… is happening?
Ryan kissed me like he was starving for it. He pushed me back against the wall and the kiss became deeper. Our hands were all over each other and I could not move. In my head, I knew I had to stop this. But my body… it felt good. It felt right. So I let go, and I kissed him back.
But no! This is wrong!