Chapter 20 I should not have kissed her
When my mind finally caught up, I was horrified. I shoved him away from me. He took a step back, his eyes flying open to look at me.
“I… I…” I could not form a sentence. My thoughts were moving too fast.
“Saraphina, I am…” He tried to speak, but he stopped. His jaw was tight. He took a deep breath. “Do you want to know why I do not want you to go out with him? I think it is because I like you.”
For a second, my heart actually stopped. I swear it did.
“What?” was the only word I could manage.
“And you can call me crazy, but I think you like me too,” he said.
SMACK’
I do not know what came over me. My hand acted on its own. I slapped him right across the face.
“Oh my god… I am sorry. I do not know why I did that,” I said, instantly regretting it.
He turned his gaze back to me. His dark blue eyes were looking right through me.
“Do not try to deny it. You kissed me back,” he stated, like it was a simple fact.
“Stop,” I said, shaking my head.
“It is true. I know you feel it too,” he said, his eyes locked on mine.
“But… it… was a mistake. It did not mean anything,” I stammered. “I am sure people just kiss sometimes. You are talking, and you move closer, and it just happens. I am sure it happens all the time.”
Ryan shook his head, like he could not believe what he was hearing.
“It meant something,” he stated. “It meant something to me.”
“Ryan… you… you cannot go around saying things like that!” I almost yelled, but I held myself back.
“I know I am not supposed to like you! I know I am not supposed to say it out loud. But I do not know! I do not know what the fuck is wrong with me!”
“Ryan, listen… we cannot feel this way about each other. We just cannot.”
“I know. Believe me, I know,” he said.
“I do not think you do.”
“I know. And I tried to make it go away. But it will not… god, I cannot pretend I do not have feelings for you. I did not plan this, alright? I do not do things like this. And I certainly did not choose this. Do you think I like feeling this fucking tormented?” He was gritting his teeth, full of anger.
I looked at his frustrated face. I wanted to see his eyes, to know if he was being honest, but he looked down at the floor. I did not know what to think.
“I wish I could say I am sorry for kissing you, but I am not. I will not feel sorry for the way I feel about you,” he said.
Was he being serious? He cannot be.
“Okay, stop. I think I know what you are doing here,” I finally said. He looked up at me, confused.
“You do not like me, Ryan. You might think you do, but you do not.” I watched his reaction carefully. “You just like the idea of me, or the chase. And you are saying all of this because, let us be honest, you want to get me into bed. But I am not some fucking prize for you to win. Do you understand?”
“Of course that is what you would think of me,” he muttered, running a hand through his hair in frustration.
Then he looked at me with a strange, demanding expression I could not figure out.
“Is that really what you think of me?” he asked, his voice low.
“Look, these kinds of attractions happen. And I will not deny that I feel something for you, too. But it is just a feeling. It is a phase, at most. Trust me, if we give it time, it will all go away.”
He looked at me with another new expression. Maybe it was a mix of anger and pain.
“You have me all figured out, is that it?” he scoffed.
“Listen… I am just saying that what you think you are feeling right now… it might not be real.”
His eyes got wide and he let out an irritated laugh. “So this is how you deal with your feelings?” he said, catching me off guard. “You push them down and act like they do not matter? That is fucking messed up, Saraphi…”
“Ryan, that is enough! I think you should leave now,” I cut him off before he could finish. His words had found a weak spot inside me.
I pulled the door open for him and waited. He let out a long sigh and, without looking back, walked out of my room.
What in the world just happened?
That night, I tossed and turned. I could not sleep.
‘So this is how you deal with your feelings? You push them down and act like they do not matter? That is fucking messed up.’
As much as I hate to admit it… Ryan was right. I am terrible with my feelings. I pretend they are not even there. That is how I have lived my whole life, and it has always worked for me. Until now.
I thought about that kiss again. I wondered if it really did mean something to him. Was it true? Does he really have feelings for me? But who am I trying to fool? This is Ryan. He would say anything to get what he wants.
And none of it matters anyway, because in a few weeks, we will be stepbrother and stepsister. Whatever might be between us does not matter.
That is right. It was just a stupid, meaningless kiss.
Ryan
I have never told a girl “I like you” before. The first time I finally do it, she slaps me across the face. Life has a great sense of humor. But then, I probably deserved it.
That night, I could not sleep. I just kept seeing it all happen again. I sat in my room and stared at a blank page in my notebook, letting out a sigh. When I am stuck, I try to write my way out of the mess in my head. But this mess is bigger than I thought.
I did a bad thing. I know I was not supposed to do it, but I took my chance. It happened without a plan. I saw that she felt something, and I had to have it. But when I told her I liked her, I saw it in her eyes. She did not believe me for a single second. She said it was just a phase. I wanted to laugh. I know what I feel is real.
For so long, I have made sure not to feel anything for anyone. I never wanted to fall in love. I thought it was a weakness. I made fun of her ideas about love and all that. So of course she would not believe me now. I can hardly believe myself.
Damn it. I should not have kissed her. I should not have said a word. But I fucking did.