Chapter 83 Her

Chapter 83 Her
Sydneys Point of View

I did not mean to walk past the ice rink. That is what I told myself anyway. I kept telling myself this while my feet carried me in the direction. Away from the library. Away from my apartment. Toward the one place I had been avoiding for weeks.

The Falcons practice at 3 pm on Tuesdays. I knew this. I was not trying to know this.. Eight months of being Coles secret meant I knew his schedule better than my own schedule. What time he woke up. What time he ate. What time he was on the ice. What time he got off and how long he stayed in the locker room after.

These are things. Things I wished I could forget. Things that were stuck in my head like songs I hated but could not turn off.

The rink was loud. From outside I could hear it. Sticks hitting ice. Pucks hitting boards. Voices yelling drills and plays and words I could not make out through the walls.

I stopped at the glass. Not the main entrance. The side door. The one near the parking lot where no one ever went. From here I could see inside. Not everything. Just the edge of the ice. Just the players in their white jerseys skating back and forth like they were trying to outrun something. Like I was trying to outrun something.

I should not have been there. I knew this. If anyone saw me they would talk. They would say I was not over Cole. They would say I was pathetic. They would say the things I was already saying to myself.

I could not move. My feet were frozen to the concrete. My eyes were glued to the glass.. Then Cole looked up.

He was at center ice. Helmet off. Sweat dripping down his face. His hair was darker when it was wet. Sandy brown turned brown. He saw me. I knew he saw me because his body went still. The kind of still that happens when you see something you were not expecting. When the world shifts underneath you. You are not sure if you are going to fall or fly.

He stopped skating. His teammates kept going. Pucks flew past him. Voices called his name. He did not move. Just stood there. Looking at me.

I should have left. I should have turned around. Walked away and pretended this never happened.. I did not. I just stood there. On the side of the glass. Staring at Cole. The boy who broke me in ways I was still discovering.

He took a step toward me. Then another. Someone yelled his name. Coach. Voice sharp. Angry. Cole did not stop. He skated to the boards. Closer. Closer. Close enough that I could see the blue of his eyes. The same blue that used to make my heart race. Now it just made me tired.

"Cole said my name. His voice was muffled through the glass.. I heard it. Clear as anything. I shook my head. Turned to leave. "Sydney wait." I did not wait. I walked. Fast. Then faster. Then running. I did not stop until I was around the corner. Until the rink was out of sight. Until my lungs were. My eyes were wet and I could not remember why I had gone there in the first place.

I leaned against the wall. Breathed. Counted to ten. Then twenty. Then thirty. My phone buzzed. Unknown Number: "Was that you at the rink?" I stared at the screen. Coles number. I had deleted it.. I knew it. Every digit. Every digit.

I told him it was a wrong number. Cole said "Sydney." I said "I said number." Cole said "Can we please just talk?" I said "No." I blocked the number. Then unblocked it. Then blocked it again. I was a mess. A complete and total mess.

I did not go back to the library. Did not go to my apartment. Just walked. Around campus. Past buildings I had never been in. Faces I had never seen. Trying to outrun a conversation I had already had a thousand times in my head. Why was I there? I did not know. What did I want? I did not know. Was I okay? No. Never okay. Never have been. Probably never will be.

Sally texted me at 5 pm. Sally: "Where are you?" I said "Walking." Sally: "It's cold." I said "I know." Sally: "Come over. I'll make chocolate." I said "Okay." I went to Sallys. She did not ask questions. Did not push. Just made chocolate and put on a movie and let me sit on her couch in silence. That is what friends do. They do not fix you. They just sit with you until you are ready to fix yourself.

I did not tell her about the rink. Did not tell her about Cole. Did not tell her about the way my heart raced when he said my name even though I wished it did not. I just drank my chocolate.. Watched the movie.. Pretended I was fine.

That night I checked my phone. A text from Zane. Zane: "How was your day?" I stared at the screen. How was my day? Terrible. Confusing. Full of feelings I did not want to feel. I said "Complicated." Zane said "Want to talk about it?" I said "Not yet." Zane said "Okay." No pressure. No questions. Just okay.

I wanted to tell him about the rink. About Cole. About the way I could not stop thinking about someone who never chose me.. I did not. Because Zane was not my therapist. Zane was not my boyfriend. Zane was Zane.. I did not know what to do with that.

The morning Sally sent me a link. Sally: "You need to see this." I clicked it. A campus blog. A post from someone who had been at the rink yesterday. "Cole Hendrix almost left practice yesterday. Just stopped skating. Stared at something in the stands for a minute before Coach yelled at him. Anyone know what happened?" The comments were worse. Probably saw his ex. Which one? The chubby one from the hallway. No way he was with her. She's not his type. Then why'd he stop? Who cares. She's news.

I closed the tab. My hands were shaking. Not because of the comments. I was used to comments. Used to people talking about my body like it was property.. Because they were right. I was news. So why could I not act like it?

Zane texted me. Zane: "You okay?" The text came out of nowhere. I said "Why?" Zane said "You seem quiet." I said "I'm always quiet." Zane said "No. You're always thinking. There's a difference." I did not know what to say to that. I said "I'm fine." Zane said "You're lying." I said "Maybe." Zane said "You don't have to talk about it.. You don't have to pretend either. Not, with me."

I stared at the screen. My eyes burned. I did not cry.. I wanted to. I said "Thanks." Zane said "Anytime." I put the phone down. Looked at the ceiling. Thought about Cole at practice. The way he stopped skating. The way he said my name. The way his teammates noticed. They noticed. Everyone noticed.. I was not sure if that was a victory or a warning. Probably both. Probably neither. Probably another Tuesday.