Chapter 81 Comments
Chapter 81 Comments
Sydneys Pov
I should not have read the comments. That is what I told myself after I read them. I always tell myself that. Every time I post something every time I see what strangers have to say about my body.
I always read the comments though. I need to know what people are saying about me. I need to know how many people think I am too much or not enough.
The post was taken down. Zane handled it.. The comments were still out there. People had taken pictures of them. Were sharing them with each other.
Sally left her phone on the table. I picked it up. Looked at the pictures she had taken.. I read what people were saying about me.
Some people said I had let myself go.. I am still the same person I have always been. I have the body and the same face. I am just like I have always been.
Some people said that Cole had downgraded by being with me.. That is not true. I was a secret. Cole did not want anyone to know that he was with someone like me.
Some people said that Zane must be desperate to be with me.. That is not true either. Zane is a person. He is the person in a long time who looks at me like I am a person, not a problem.
I did not write anything back to these people. I just read what they had to say.. I kept reading.
Some people said that if I lost weight people would take me seriously.. I have been trying to lose weight since I was twelve. I did lose weight once. Nobody noticed. Then I gained it back. Everyone noticed. That is how it works.
Some people said that I think I am smart enough to be a lawyer. I do not take care of myself. That is not true. I am at the top of my class. I have a scholarship to a good law school. I have been taking care of myself since I was seventeen.
I put the phone down. Then I picked it up again. My hands were shaking. I was not angry I was just tired. I was tired of reading mean things about myself.
Sally saw that I was reading the comments. She told me to stop. She said I was hurting myself. I told her I could not stop, because I needed to know what people were saying about me.
Sally took the phone from me. She said I was torturing myself. I told her I needed to know what people were saying so I could prepare myself. I could build a wall around myself so I would not get hurt.
I did not say anything. I just looked at the ceiling. The ceiling had cracks in it like a road map. It looked different tonight. It looked like a warning. It said I would never be enough.
I closed my eyes. The comments were still there in my head. They were mean and hurtful. One of them said I was hard to look at. That hurt, because Zane had said I was hard to miss like it was a thing.
Sally sat down beside me. She said I should talk to her. I told her there was nothing to say. She said I was shutting down. She did not want me to do that. I told her I was just thinking.
My phone buzzed. It was Zane. Sally said I should talk to him because he was the one who had done something to help me. He had reported the post. He had made sure it was taken down.
I told Sally I would talk to him later. I was not ready to talk to him. Zane sent me a message. I told him I would talk to him tomorrow. He said he would be there for me.
I put the phone down. I looked at the ceiling again. The cracks did not look like a warning anymore. They looked like a map, a path to new.
Sally fell asleep on my couch. I stayed awake. I was not reading comments or thinking about Zane. I was just lying there staring at the ceiling.
The clock on my nightstand said 1:23am. Then it said 1:47am. Time was passing, slowly and then fast.
I thought about my mom. How she told me to hold my head up. I thought about Sally. How she showed up for me. I thought about Zane. How he said I deserved better.
I thought about myself. How I used to be. I used to think that if I just tried hard enough someone would choose me.. I am tired of trying. I am tired of hurting.
At 3am I picked up my phone. I looked at myself in the camera. I looked the same. I felt different. I felt lighter like I had been reminded of why I was fighting.
By 4am I had my answer. I was going to define myself. I was going to fight back not with anger but, with presence. I was going to show up. I was going to refuse to make myself small.