43.

Christian shifts his weight from one foot to the other, sighing. - Laura wants to talk to you. Suzana averts her gaze from her son to me, then looks back at him. - I'm busy - she says without hesitation, turning her back on us and returning to serving breakfast to the children. Christian turns to me, avoiding eye contact. - It's your turn now - With that, he steps away, leaving the shed and leaving me "alone" with his mother.

I approach Suzana a bit more, moving my hands in front of me. - I can help - I say as clearly as possible, trying to get Suzana's attention. - This isn't the place for you, Laura - she says without even looking at me - I doubt you've ever been to a place like this.

I look around, biting my lower lip. I had never done volunteer work; I had heard my friends talk about doing it from time to time, that their parents did, but my parents never did, not even donations, and neither did I. I inhale slowly, turning my attention back to Suzana. - I want to help - Impatient with my presence, she turns quickly, placing a hand on her waist, narrowing her serious gaze at me. - You want to help? Great. Feed the younger children. - Feed them - I repeat - Alright - I grab two plates of porridge, initially walking aimlessly among the children, looking for the ones Suzana wanted me to feed. There were so many of them that I had no idea which ones I should feed. After a few seconds, I found them - they were twins, around a year old. Unlike the others, they didn't run around; they stayed together, observing all the activity around them.

I hadn't had much contact with children before; my cousins were considerably older, as were my mother's friends' children. Maybe that's why I froze for a moment in front of them, not knowing what to do. I considered the idea of feeding one at a time, but I failed as soon as the other one wanted to eat too and started crying. - Don't cry. Don't cry - I ask softly, trying to feed the crying one while making the other wait - No. I'll feed you too, but I have to feed him as well - I say, wishing I had four hands to handle both of them.

For the next few minutes, I was in this predicament, not knowing which one to feed first, until I simply decided and let one of them eat on their own while I focused on feeding the other. Suzana moved back and forth, feeding some children and talking to others. She never stayed in one place for long, always present, even if only for a few seconds, just like the helpers who tried to take care of all the children there. It took me a while to realize that this NGO was aimed at underprivileged families, those who, for some reason, couldn't feed their children, who didn't even have food at home, and those who needed a place to leave their children while they worked. I found out after some time, after feeding the twins, that their situation wasn't any different. Their parents were drug users, and in addition to the two of them, there were three more siblings who used to stay there and at other children's homes. But because the twins required more attention, they ended up staying there and receiving constant care from Suzana, who even took them home on certain days. Indeed, what Suzana was trying to do there was extremely important, using the money that Christian "collected" from drugs to provide food and love.

When I realized it, I was trying to help all the children, feeling useless for not being able to help them all at once and not understanding how Suzana could be everywhere at once like an octopus. - Are you still here? - She asks, near lunchtime, as she begins to prepare lunch. - I still want to talk to you. - And I'm still busy, Laura - she says without stopping her movements - In case you didn't notice. - What you're doing here is wonderful - I finally comment, holding one of the children in my arms. - I do it out of love. Out of having so much love inside me, even after Márcia's death. - Did she inspire you to open this place? - I didn't pay much attention to the sign outside the shed until I noticed the T-shirts worn by the children with Márcia's name.

- I think it's obvious, don't you? - I adjust the child in my arms, biting my lower lip. - I love him - I say softly, causing her to slow down her movements as if she were paying attention to what I was saying - I've loved him for over ten years. - This love never existed, Laura. - How can you say that so confidently? - I was annoyed by the way she spoke with such authority, as if she already knew everything that would happen and especially what I was feeling.

Suzana turns to me, holding my gaze, making the tension between us even more palpable. - You only got close to my children because there was no one better to flatter you, to admire you. They ended up falling for the girl who lived in the South Zone, who had a perfect life compared to theirs. You were different from the girls they were used to here, and they were the same to you - She pours out all the words on me without mercy, trying to shock me with reality - What probably happened is quite simple: a crush. A passing infatuation. A lot of things were left unresolved, and now you think you still love him. - I don't think, I'm sure - I say firmly, realizing that Suzana didn't want me near her son. Maybe she never did; she just pretended to tolerate me because of my job, and after Márcia's death, she no longer felt the need to pretend to like me with them. Suzana forces a laugh, as if she were witnessing the worst scene in front of her, showing how low my level was. - You're not the woman for Christian, not with him where he is today - she says calmly - Do you know who would be perfect, who has always loved him in the best possible way a mother would? Luara. I've raised her since Márcia's death; she practically grew up with my children, knows how important they are to me, and I would never think of hurting them in any way, let alone humiliating them - I swallow hard, my past knocking louder and louder at the door, like a kind of karma. Because I knew that everything that goes around comes around, one way or another, and that everything I did

in the past, influenced by my mother or not, would come back. And it had already come back - Get out of my son's life, Laura. You've already managed to kill one; I won't let you do the same thing to Christian. - Don't ask me that - I say softly, appalled, not believing that she was actually asking me something like that. I might accept that she didn't believe what I felt for him, but she couldn't demand that I stay away from him - You can't ask me that. I can't decide anything for us, not anymore, not even my parents. Only Christian and I can decide anything. Suzana takes the child from my arms, which confuses me. She caresses the child's face, and the child rests its head on her shoulder, completely relaxed.

- If that's the case - She begins, looking at me - Then I hope he makes the right decision and opens his eyes in time, before it's too late. Having said everything she wanted to say, Suzana walks away, making it more than clear that she no longer wanted me there. I didn't hesitate to leave the shed, stomping my feet on the ground in irritation at Suzana's audacity. In addition to having to deal with my parents' disapproval for a long time and even after all those years, I still had to deal with the fact that Suzana never wanted me near her children, that she was already aware that our closeness was only because of an infatuation that would sooner or later fade away. But it hadn't. I still loved them! I still loved Christian, even after all these years. She would have to accept that or simply accept that her son would be with me. To my surprise, when I left the shed, I didn't find Christian waiting for me. There was no sign of him, not even his car.