Chapter 43 Planning

POV: Haven

"Shhh... shh. I know. I'm coming." This is what I here when I wake up. A baby crying and Jax talking. I still can't believe that I'm also Jax's mate or imprint or whatever you want to call it.

I open my eyes and sit up. Yesterday was wild. I have no idea what came over me. I actually slept as in had sex with Jax. It was like I was in some trans and couldn't stop. It was amazing. I've never felt anything like that.

Jax appears from the hallway holding Cameron. "Oh look who's finally awake. We should tell good morning yes we should." Jax baby talks to Cameron.

"Mmm" I groan. Rolling over. "Nope get up. I need you for something." What does he need me for?

He throws the covers off me. "Come on get up. Coffee is downstairs waiting with your name on it." That sounds delicious.

I huff standing from the bed and going down with Jax following. Thats when I remember I'm on suicide watch. I'm not allowed to be left alone.

"Good morning Haven." Penny says. She's eating already. I just eat cereal and drink my coffee.

"Good morning." I finally speak. "Ah she talks." Jax says. "What time is it?" I ask. "Ten. Moon goddess keep you up all night again?"

"No. She's been letting me sleep this week. We did speak a little last night though. She wasn't happy about my attempt." I explain.

Jax nods, "I'm not either but I take full fault in it. I pushed you to it. I didn't consider the damage I would do by acting the way I was." He looks so guilty and it's like I can feel it.

"Because you do. Its the imprint and mate bond. You feel what I feel and I feel what you feel. And I can hear you thoughts." Great so someone's in my head always. Can't he just be in my he instead of putting me on suicide watch and leave me alone.

"Tsk no. Sorry doesn't work that way. Anyway I need you to call your birth parents and invite them here. I need to talk to them."

"Why?" Why would he want to talk to them. Crap. I haven't spoken to them since the whole thing. "Because it's crucial to getting the palace back and over throwing Caroline."

"Hey Jax I'm here!" I hear Liam yell out. "In the kitchen!" Jax yells out. A moment later Liam appears. "Hey let me see my nefew." Liam takes Cameron from Jax.

"What the hell are you doing here?" Jax asks. "Because Luke and Jack were supposed to be at my pack but they never made it so I figured I'd come to you."

"Well you can think little miss suicidal here for that." Jax looks at me. "What!? Haven please tell you didn't?"

"Oh she did. I caught her. Read the suicide note and everything." Jax says. I look away embarrassed. It's been a while since I've seen Liam. Things don't feel as awkward as they once did.

"Yeah well anyway I have a new element to the plan. It's a way to get into the palace. Unfortunately I'm going to have to use Haven." He says my name strained. I can feel he doesn't like it but is willing to do it. How do I fall into this though?

"How so?" Liam asks concerned. "Let's go to my office and discuss that. But first Penny go with Haven so she can get dressed and get her phone."

Penny and I go to my room. I change into a pair of leggings. I put a bra on and a regular t-shirt like always. I don't think I will ever be able to dress like most other girls and show things off.

I take Jax's shirt and we go to his room so I can grab my phone. I had a lot of missed calls and text from my family and Penny yesterday. I know I worried them and they were rightfully so but at the time I was just going off of my feelings.

I return Jax's shirt to his room leaving it on the bed and I grab my phone. Penny just follows me. She doesn't say anything. She's worried I will do it again. "Penny I'm not going to try that again. You don't have to follow me around."

"Yes I do. You could relapse Haven. Anything could trigger you. No your not being left alone." She says angrily.

"I wasn't trying to hurt you. It was just so hard I felt like I was just in the way. I have been going through a lot."

"Haven I know and thats why I was trying to help you." She sighs. "Haven I think you should talk to someone. Get some help."

I know she's right. I haven't been to see Lana in a few months. I just hate it. I hate the feeling talks. Mom had tried to get me to go but I wouldn't. I know they will be pushing it now. Before when I would refuse to go they would get Jax involved.

One time he made the appointment himself and actually came to the house threw me over his shoulder and in the car. He basically dragged me to my therapy appointment that day. The sad thing is thats not the only time Jax has done this. "And I will do it again. Your going even if I ha e to drag you kicking and screaming." Jax says in my head.

Wait how is he talking in my head? "I marked you remember. I know you know what that means. I felt when dad marked you." Jax explains. I didn't realize he could feel that.

"Yeah well i was really good at keeping this thing a secret. But speaking of therapy. Tomorrow at 11. I will drag you there if I have to."

"Fine." I say annoyed. "Where are you. Your suppose to be in my office."

I make my way to his office door. I knock on the door. I don't want to upset him. I'm still scared he might be mad at me.

"Come in." I open the door. Liam has a confused look. "Since when do you knock?" Since Jax started being mean.

"Didn't I tell you not to knock." Jax says. "Oh I'm sorry your the one thats been so mood and mean that I didn't want to set you off."

"I thought I apologized for that. Don't do that. Just do what you've always done and just walk right in like always."

"So you two are good now? Getting along again?" Liam asks. "Yes. Turns out it is really hard trying to push my bestie away." Jax answers.

"Shouldn't have pushed her away to begin with. I don't know why you would to begin with." Liam comments. "Well if Haven would sit down you'll find out in this conversation."

I sit in the chair next to Liam rolling my eyes. "She's seated now speak." Liam says. "I have eyes thank you. So the plan is to use Haven. We know from what little intel we could get Alpha Santos is working with Caroline. He wants Haven."

"You're not actually considering handing Haven over to them?" Liam asks. I tense up. He wouldn't do that would he? "No." Jax growls.

"No. There is a reason that the first time Santos tried failed. I need Haven's birth parents." I'm so confused.

"Jax I need a little more context here. What does her birth parents even have to do with this?" Liam says confused.

Jax explains everything from how I came about to the Legend of the Moon blessed and how Santos wants this power I can apparently give him. He explains the steps that are needed for it to work with a chosen mate.

"Damn. So you want her father to go and get more information under the ruse of giving his permission." Liam says getting Jax's plan.

"Yes. They would never get anywhere near Haven. Even if they tried to it would never work. Haven has a fated and it can't be broken." Jax explains.

"No her fated is gone and they weren't even fully mated." Liam counters. "Haven come here." Jax says.

I go to him. He sets me in his lap. "Jax what the hell are you doing?" Liam asks. Jax moves my hair aside and tilts my head at an angle. His fingers hold the collar of my shirt back a little to expose my mark from him.

"You see little brother the reason for my behavior is because I have an imprint. Our bond is unbreakable." Jax smirks.

Liam's jaw drops. "Wow. So your? Wow. I guess congratulations."

"There is one more thing. They don't know of this. No one else that doesn't already know doesn't find out of this yet. You and I both know they could have spies here already." Jax says.

"Anyway. Haven i need you to call them." Jax says to me. I pull out my phone and hit Julian's contacts. "Hello."

"Hi. It's me. Sorry I haven't called in a while." I say in the phone. "Oh it's quite alright. I'm glad you have though." Julian says.

"Um I'm actually calling because someone wants to talk to you." I say handing the phone to Jax. I don't know what to say. Jax takes the phone.

"Hi this is Alpha Jax of Black River we spoke once before." Jax says pausing listening to Julian. "Well thats why I wanted to speak with you. The rumors are true. I would like you to come here. I need you for a critical part to get the palace back."

I go to get up to sit back in my previous seat but Jax holds me there. "I can't really discuss it over the phone. It's best you come here and bring her birth mother."

I lean back against Jax's chest waiting for him to be done. "As soon as you can. If you can be here in the next day or two that would be great."

I ignore the rest of the conversation. "Yes ok here she is." Jax gives the phone back to me. "Hello?"

"Hi Haven. I'm sorry about your loss. How have you been?" Julian asks. I sigh deeply. "Suicidal." Jax comments. I glare at him. He smirks.

"I'm fine. Just fine. I'm getting better." I say. "Thats good. Well I guess I will see you in a couple of days than."

"Yeah ok bye." I hang up the phone up. "Who all knows about you two anyway?" Liam asks. "Just you, Luke, Penny, Linda, and Jack. No one else needs to know right now." Jax answers.

So I'm like some big secret now. What a charmer Jax is. "Luke will be going with you back to your pack." Jax tells Liam. "Alright well let me check in on mom and I see Cameron on my way out."

"Can I go now?" I ask. "No. Not yet." Jax say wrapping both his arms around me. "Why not?"

"I want to be with you right now. You know used to you weren't in such a hurry to go."

He's right. I feel different towards him now. Things are different and I don't think they will ever be the same. After the was he was to me I see Jax different and I'm still hurt. I haven't yet forgiven him.

"I know. I just want to be alone right now." I tell him. He sighs. "Haven I know your still hurt and afraid I'm going to turn on you any minute but I won't. Just stay with me for a few more minutes."

"Have you tried any of your coping mechanisms to help. Have you painted at all?" Jax presses. "No. After Luke told me you threw the last one I pinted I stopped. I just couldn't bring myself to do it." I confess.

"I shouldn't have done that. Those have always been special to me. I keep every one of them. I'm sorry. I hope you will at least try it again. I know it helped you a lot." Jax says.

"I can't." Tears start to threaten my eyes. "Haven look at me." I keep my head down knowing that if I look at him I will cry.

He turns me and places his finger tips under my chin lifting my head to look at him. As I suspected the tears come.

My arms wrap around his neck as I cry into his chest. "I know its hard but you can this. I know you can get through it."

All my emotions just come out. My grief. My pain. My heartache. My fears. Jax just holds me as I cry rocking me back and forth like a baby. I'm must look so silly. "No you don't. You are my baby." Jax says. I wish he would stop reading my mind.

"How else would I know how your feeling. You let it get so bad to the point you get like this."

"Do you think we could ever go back to the way things were?" I wonder out loud.

"No. I think they will get even better. We just need to get you feeling better." Jax responds.

"How could they possibly get any better?" I ask. "Because i love you and things are going to turn out in the end. You just wait and see."

His I love yous feel different now. "I have an idea that will make us both happy." Jax says.

"What idea?" I'm curious to know what he's thinking. "Lets have a movie day. We can play pool. Some video games. Just me and you like we used to. I can keep my eye on you and you will see I won't snap at you anymore."

"I don't want to argue. Every time we play pool we end up in an argument." I tell him. "No you argue I don't."

"Whatever." I sigh in no mood to argue. "Fine we won't play but there's still movies and video games. We can even watch the dreaded High school Musical movies that you like so much."

"No complaints." I say. He never want to watch high school musical with me. "No complaining I promise."

A knock is sounded at the door. "Yes?" Jax answers. A lady enters the room. "I'm sorry to disturb you alpha but Mrs. Linda went to her bakery and your mother went out. Cameron is awake and crying."

"OK. Thank you I will go handle it." Jax says. I stand up to let Jax up. He stands up. "Come on." I follow Jax.

We enter the nursery. Jax changes him and feeds him. "Alright buddy you set to go. Now we got to cheer Haven up. She's upset so we unfortunately have to sit through high school musical."

I don't comment or look at Cameron. Jax said not to go anywhere near him so I'm keeping my distance.

Jax grabs my hand while he has Cameron in the other. He takes me to his room. I sit at the edge of the bed. Jax sits against the headboard.

"Why are you sitting down there?" He asks. "Because you said not to go anywhere near Cameron. Remember." I remind him.

"Haven I want you to not listen to anything I said in the past week. I didn't actually mean it so come up here and sit with us." Jax tells me. I do as told and scoot up next to him.

He hands me the remote. I pick high school musical before he can change his mind. He has Cameron in his arms holding him.

"Do you want to hold him?" Jax asks. I fidget around unsure, "um sure." Jax places Cameron in my arms. His tiny little hand holds on to my pinky finger.

"He looks like you." I comment to Jax. Jax wraps an arm around me while we watch the movie.

In the middle of the movie Cameron fell asleep so Jax put him back in his nursery so sleep. During the entire movie I could feel Jax's eyes on me. He was not watching the movie that's for sure.

"Well you stop staring at me weirdo?" I finally ask having enough of him just looking at me. "Who you calling weirdo?"

"You." I poke him. "I am not. Take it back." He say. "No you are when you look at me like that." I tell him. He keeps looking at me like I'm going to disappear. It like I'm the only one that exist and he's afraid I'll just vanish.

"Like what?" He asks. "Like how you are." I blush. "What like this?" He crosses his eyes. Gross I hate that. "Ew you know I hate that." Just watching him do it gives me a headache.

He laughs. "Well I can't help but look at you. I've missed you. You've been gone a while and I haven't seen you much. Then I started being a jerk. I still missed you though." He admit.

"I missed you too. Most of all the bestie part." I'm not sure how I feel about him in the new parts of our relationship. "Yeah the whole mate thing is probably weird for you considering how you've portrayed me."

"Yes it is. I'm not sure how to react to it. Isn't for you?" I ask him curious to know how he feels. "I've felt a lot of things for you Haven. It started with the protector and friend but it developed as the years went by. As you got older the mate and lover feelings came but I could never act on them." He explains.

"So you've always felt this way?" I say. "Yes I have." He admits. "What about cat?" He cringes. "I'm sorry I shouldn't have asked that." I immediately apologize.

He holds my hand in his. "Its ok. Your just trying to understand. The bond with us was never this strong because I was mated to Catalina already. It was when cat died that the urge to claim you hit strong. Thats why I needed to stay away for a while. I couldn't tell you at the time and it would not have been fare to you either. Then I felt like I was betraying Cat by just going to you like I wanted." He kisses my knuckles.

"Cat knew. She never said anything but she somehow figured out that I imprinted to you. That last message you sent me lead me to a letter Catalina wrote to me. It helped a lot and I was able to move on. She was ok with it all."

"I didn't know all that." I say. We finish watching the movie then we go on to the second movie. Jax got a text form his mom letting him know she was back and could watch Cameron while he worked.

Jax isn't working today but he lets his mom do it anyway wanting to just be with me.

Later on Jax let me go to my room for a little bit. He had to go resolve an issue of some sort. It gotten late now. It's about 11:00 at night and I just got out the shower. I put on my pink and black polka dotted pajamas.

I lay down in my bed to sleep but I find it hard to fall asleep. I toss around trying to get comfortable but it doesn't work. My door opens then suddenly with Jax appearing. "This is not going to work." Next thing I know before I can question him is I'm being carried away.

"Jax where are you taking me. I'm trying to sleep." I ask annoyed. "I can't sleep without you nor can Ash so you're sleeping in here from now on." He states bluntly.

I'm then laid down in his bed and he gets in behind me wrapping his arm around me sighing in content. I'm still finding it hard to fall asleep.

I wish I could do what I normally do to go to sleep but now I can't. One Jax is here. Two I don't have my vibrator anymore. I'd just use my hands but again Jax is here. "What the hell are you thinking about? Is it what I think it is? Because if so I did not know you did that to go to sleep."

I tense up. "What do you think I'm thinking about?" I'm not admitting to anything. "Well it sounds like you had a certain kind of toy that you would play with yourself with." I can feel the smirk against my neck.

I just know I'm as red as a tomato. "I... it was Lana's idea to help me move on from my fears." I stutter. "I see. And this had multiple effects on you?"

"Yes. It helps me sleep sometimes. Can we not talk about. This is embarrassing."

"No I'm intrigued. When did it start?" He asks. Great, what does he want a whole lecture on it. "Look it started when I was 17 ok. Yes I do that and it helps me sleep. I only ever do it before I go to sleep. Yes I had a vibrator but it isn't here anymore because I brought it with me there are you happy now." Ugh. I can believe he mad me do that.

He starts laughing. "You know I won't mind if you did. I'd even help." He says. Of course he wouldn't thats all men ever think about.

He stops laughing at my thought. "Haven i wasn't trying to be mean or embarass you. I was just curious to know is all. I know how uncomfortable sexual stuff is for you. I was just surprised is all. Is there something bothering you thats keeping you awake?"

"I don't know." I say in a small voice. "Are you nervous about going back to therapy?" He asks. "Why would I be? I've been before."

"OK. Are you worried about something?" He asks trying to help me. "Besides what's going on now. Your crazy sister killed her own father for power."

"Caroline will pay for her crimes. That i assure you." Jax says. "Then there this feeling i have. Its like something is about to happen. It feels like its going to happen to you. I'm probably just stressed and my imagination is going wild."

"No its not. I've had the same feeling all night. Then my mind goes to your message about how I'm about to under go some kind of major change. I'm wondering if that's going to happen soon." Jax admits.

"I hope it's a good change and not a bad one." I say. "Me too." He agrees. I think thats what was keeping me up because I'm feeling really sleepy now.