CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN

Faith.

The waiting area inside the ER in Stanford remains eerily quiet. Sinjin and his mom have been gone for almost an hour. Depending on his dad’s condition, I might need a ride home because they’ll probably need privacy. I called Beau earlier and asked him to meet me. I have no idea what’s happening with Caleb’s dad. I’ve tried asking, but the nurse won’t tell me anything because I’m not a relative.

I happen to be staring at the doors when Beau walks in with Ty. I’m so glad they came together. Beau spots me, and they head over. He stands while Ty drops down to the seat next to me. “What’s going on? How’s Mr. St. John?”

“I’m sorry, Ty. I just don’t know. They won’t tell me anything.”

The doors to the trauma area swing open. Caleb’s mom steps through. Her face is ravaged. Ty pops up from his seat and sprints toward her. She shakes her head. Ty staggers forward and pulls Mrs. St. John into his arms. He has her head tucked beneath his chin, and he’s rubbing her back. I see the sparkle of tears in his eyes, and I know Caleb’s dad is gone.

Beau sits beside me. “Damn. That can’t be good.”

“No,” I agree. “It can’t.” I realize the significance of these two being together when I called Beau. “Are you guys official?”

Beau turns to me. “Yes.”

“I’m glad he has you right now. I’ve never lost anyone.” I close my eyes when I realize my thoughtless mistake. “I’m sorry, Beau. I’m stupid. I forgot about your parents for a minute.”

“Understandable.” Beau grabs my hand. “Caleb will need you now more than ever. Be prepared. He might push you away.”

I nod but go numb at the thought. “What happened to your parents? I know there was a car accident.”

“We were driving back from a football skills camp they arranged for me to attend in Fresno. On our way home, a drunk driver T-boned us at a four-way stop going fifty miles an hour.”

I squeeze his hand. He continues with his story.

“Mom died on impact. Dad died in the ambulance on the way to hospital.” He breathes deep and fists both hands. When he exhales he releases the air slowly while opening his hands. “Being in the ER brings it all back.”

He stares at Ty, who holds on to Caleb’s mom. “I lost them both, and any shot I had at a career in football. C-spine injury. Permanently benched. At the time, I thought football was my life.”

He meets my gaze once more.

“I was bitter over their deaths for a long time. They wouldn’t have died if we’d stayed home that weekend.”

“Jesus, Beau. I’m so sorry.” There’s a weight on my heart for Beau, and for Sinjin. “You know the accident wasn’t your fault, right?”

“Yes.” He sighs. “Sometimes guilt rears its ugly thoughts and it takes me down. For the most part, I deal.”

“I’m sorry I dragged you to Caleb’s games with me.”

Beau squeezes my hand. “You didn’t drag me anywhere. I wanted to go with you.”

He starts to say something, stops, shakes his head and stares off toward the entrance and exit doors. “I should tell you that for the longest time, I wished I’d died in the crash, too. My sister walked in one night when survivor’s guilt had me palming a fistful of pain meds.”

I close my eyes. “Oh my God, Beau.” I don’t want to imagine a world without Beau in it.

He rubs his palms down his legs. “I saw how much I hurt her and climbed out of the inertia depression held over me. Therapy helped me find a better head space around the accident. Olivia is my family, and I’m hers. Our parents would have wanted us to live and find our happy.”

Beau takes my hand in his again. “I have friends like you who make each day worthwhile. It took me a long time to learn to value what I do have in my life instead of what was lost. Caleb will need your strength, support, and understanding to get through this.”

I don’t know what Sinjin will need, but whatever it is, I’ll be there for him.

A few hours later, I drive Caleb back to The Row. His aunt Mo arrived at the hospital about twenty minutes after Beau and Ty. We leave the hospital at the same time. Caleb’s mom goes home with her sister. Beau and Ty take off together.

Caleb sits in the passenger seat of his own car in silence. The expression on his face is tragic. I want to be strong for him. When we pull into the garage, I park the car in Caleb’s designated space.

He says, “There’s so much work involved to earn Eagle Scout. The year-long projects, community service and camping excursions seem endless.”

He opens his door. I do the same. We step out into the cold November evening.

We walk toward the elevator together. I take his hand in mine.

“Dad was a Scout leader. He was with me every step of the way. Through every project. He was so proud when I earned my rank.”

I don’t know what to say. Tears I’ve held back all night threaten again.

I unlock his front door. We go directly to his room. He looks so lost it hurts my heart. “Caleb, do you want me to stay?”

“I don’t want you to leave.”

I take off my shoes and drape my jacket over his desk chair. He removes his shoes, socks, and belt. I climb on his bed and open my arms. He joins me. I spoon my body against his back. “Tell me about your dad. What was he like growing up?”

Caleb’s voice catches, and he clears his throat. “He was my hero.”

Four little words. Packed with emotion. He shudders and buries his head in his pillow. I hold on tight while he cries for the father he’ll never see alive again.

I stayed with my dad last night. I needed to be near him and the comfort he’s always provided me. I raise the mug of coffee I can’t even taste to my lips, but set it down before taking a sip.

“I’m sorry for your friend. He’s too young to lose his father,” Dad says.

I nod. My eyes go glassy with tears.

Dad hugs me hard. “Let me know if there’s anything I can do. Do you need me to go with you today?”

“No, thank you. Beau will drive me.” My breath stutters. “Daddy. I don’t know how to help him.”

“Sweetheart. Be there for him, ready to offer comfort and stability.”

I kiss Dad’s cheek. “Thank you. I don’t say it enough, but you made me who I am. I love you more than I can say.”

Dad clears his throat. “I love you back. And I’m worried you’re taking on too much. New school. New responsibilities. A new relationship and now—”

“Don’t worry. I’m handling it.”

He nods, but his worried expression remains carved onto his face.

I wander to my room. This past week has been a blur. Thanksgiving is five days away. Beau helped me pick out a charcoal-gray dress with a square neckline and long sleeves. Black boots, and a knee-length trench coat will keep me warm. Temperatures have dropped in the past week.

Sinjin will miss tonight’s football game. With the exception of attending classes, I’ve spent as much time with Sinjin as possible. He’s drowning in grief.

The doorbell rings. I walk out of my bedroom to answer the door.

Beau wears a navy suit. “Ready?”

“Yes.”

“Let’s go,” he says.

We had to park three blocks away from the church because the church lot was full. Sinjin, his mom, his aunt, and Ty exit the black limo parked behind the hearse as we reach the front.

Sinjin’s face is hard as stone. He scans the crowd gathered outside the church. His gaze meets mine. He nods in acknowledgment.

I touch Beau’s arm. “Come with me.”

Sinjin leans in to Ty and says something to him. Ty glances up in our direction, and they close the distance separating us.

“Thanks for being here,” Sinjin says.

Beau draws Caleb in for a one-armed hug, and steps back. “I’m sorry for your loss.”

Caleb nods his head and swallows. I move toward him and wrap my arms around him. “Is there anything we can do?”

“Being here is solid.” He looks over toward the back of the hearse when the funeral director opens the door.

“Will you sit with me during Mass?”

I nod my head. “Of course.”

“I have to carry my dad.”

I reach for his hand and squeeze it. “I don’t have words, but my heart goes with you.”

Ty says, “I’m a pallbearer, I’ll see you both inside.”

Once the rites are observed at the entrance to the church, we follow the procession inside.

Caleb flanks his mother on her left, while his aunt flanks his mother’s right side. I’m seated to Caleb’s left. He turns toward me when it’s time to share the sign of peace. I whisper, “Peace be with you,” as I lean in to kiss Sinjin’s cheek.

He rests his face against mine for a moment, nods, and chokes, “…with you.”

He hugs his mom. They lean into each other. Their grief palpable. She’s the first to break away. And she reaches for me. I take his mother’s hand in both of mine and repeat the phrase. Her hand feels like a block of ice. Her eyes are ravaged, but she nods at me and covers our hands with her left. I repeat the ritual when his aunt and I clasp hands. I kiss Ty’s cheek, and turn to shake hands with the mourners behind me.

Gabe Fleiss sticks his hand out for me to shake. I pull him into an awkward hug. I know how to hug. Gabe doesn’t. I whisper, “Thanks for being a good friend to Caleb.”

He blushes and nods.

Beau sits to Gabe’s left. I hug him and notice Everest and the rest of the Gladiators fill the pews behind me. I make eye contact with Everest and touch my hand to my heart. He returns the gesture.

Many heartfelt moments are shared during the hour span for the Requiem Mass. The priest calls upon mourners to share their stories of the deceased. Words spoken in memory of a man who was a husband, father, and business partner. Friends take turns sharing their favorite memories. A picture forms in my mind of Caleb’s dad. His long-time friend shares a story about Lucas St. John during his eulogy, and quiet laughter fills the church.

I have trouble aligning the man who would cheat with his son’s girlfriend and the honorable man portrayed by his friends. It really highlights for me how good people can make huge mistakes. How a single poor choice might change your life. I need to remember the simple fact our choices have impact on others.

Caleb’s football coaches fill the back pews.

At the end of Mass, the funeral director makes an announcement regarding the location of the cemetery and graveside service. He provides information for the reception following, which will be held at Caleb’s aunt’s home. Caleb and Ty move to the front of the casket, his mother, and aunt follow directly behind the pallbearers. His aunt leads his mother to the limo, while the coffin is lifted into the hearse.

Caleb’s father will be buried at Tranquility Memorial in the hills of San Mateo. Ty told Beau it’s about a twenty-minute drive from the church. It’s a beautiful property despite the gravestones lining the hillside. The weather has morphed to gray with ground-hugging fog carpeting the hills. Only the tips of headstones poke through the mist—an eerie kind of obstacle course bracketing the path to Mr. St. John’s graveside service. Our feet disappear in the fog. The priest says the words of the final blessing. Sinjin and his mother both drop white roses onto the casket once lowered into the grave. Fog swirls to cloak the opening. When the hole disappears, the sight of the blanketed grave gives me chills.

His mom grabs Caleb’s hand, exposing his wrist. He’s still wearing the band he took from my hair the last time we made love.

His mother raises her voice. “Lucas St. John was my husband and partner for twenty-one years. He was my high school sweetheart. He was an amazing dad. While we had gone our separate ways this past summer, I feel, as many of you do, that we were all cheated…” She stumbles over the word.

Someone in the crowd behind me coughs. Caleb’s gaze swings toward the noise.

His mother clears her throat and says, “By his untimely death.”

Twin tears track down her face. “Thank you all for being here. It would have mattered to Lucas to know his friends surrounded him. I hope you’ll join us at my sister’s house. If you can’t, thank you for helping us say good-bye to a friend, a partner, and a father today. Lucas St. John will be missed by those who knew him.”

The home Caleb’s aunt lives in now once belonged to his grandparents. It appears as though Mrs. St. John takes comfort from being in the home where she grew up. It’s one of the larger properties on the quiet, tree-lined street, in a beautiful area of mixed-style homes in San Mateo. His mother didn’t feel comfortable having the reception at the place where Caleb’s father died.

The neighborhood is one of understated elegance. Sinjin and his family have been receiving guests for the past forty-five minutes. I watch Caleb accept condolences from yet another person who came to pay their respects. He’s nodding his head at whatever the older man is saying, but reaches up to loosen his tie, his discomfort plain.

He looks beat, like a slight wind will knock him over—my six-foot-plus Gladiator who powers through a defensive line like it’s a stroll through a garden—and my heart aches for him. Ty stands with Beau and me. I’m tuning out their conversation. My attention remains focused on Sinjin and whether he needs me. I’m at a loss. He looks so unapproachable, and I don’t want to intrude. My name is called, and I turn toward Ty and Beau.

Caleb’s aunt resembles his mom, but her eyes are pale seafoam green instead of the bird-like silvery blue. She’s also about four inches taller than her sister.

“I’m glad you’re here for Caleb.” She cradles my hand in both of her hands. “He’ll need his friends.”

“I wouldn’t be anywhere else.” I place my free hand on top of our linked hands and squeeze lightly. “I’m so sorry for your loss. If there’s anything I can do, please let me know.”

“Being here for Caleb is the best way to help. I need to move people toward the buffet now.” She steps aside to include the boys. “Ty, make sure you all grab something to eat.”

She moves away to stop at the next little group of people and motions them toward the dining room where the buffet has been set up. Sinjin kisses his mom’s brow and walks toward us.

“Thanks for being here today,” he says to Beau. “I can’t imagine what you went through.”

“I know this sounds meaningless, but I’m sorry about your dad,” Beau says.

Caleb nods then wraps his arm around my waist and whispers in my ear, “I need air.”

I make eye contact with Ty. “We’re heading outside. Back soon.”

Caleb takes me out through the kitchen and onto a back porch where he drops down onto the top step and pulls me down beside him. The weather is clear but cooler. The temperature hovers in the fifties with a wind coming off the bay that makes it feel colder than it is. He remains quiet.

I take his face between my hands. “Talk to me.”

He closes his eyes then reopens them to look into mine. “I don’t know what to say, Faith. He’s gone, and I can’t take my words back.” His voice catches. “He died alone, believing I hate him.”

His words are spoken with so much pain and emotion. He’s raw. My lungs squeeze hard. “I believe something endures beyond our existence here. Your dad knows how you feel, Caleb, even though you didn’t get a chance to tell him.”

He closes his eyes, wipes his hand across his mouth. “What was the fucking point to all my anger? Mr. Hupman told me a story about how Dad blew the whistle on a construction bribe scheme, effectively torpedoing his own chances for a contract. He was honest to the bone. He fucks up once and dies alone.”

I grab him and hold on tight because his words echo my earlier thoughts. “The point is he hurt you and your mom. Your sense of betrayal has been diminished by his death.”

He presses his forehead against mine. “It doesn’t make it any easier to accept.”

“I know, but don’t do this to yourself, Caleb. You needed time to heal. He died, and you didn’t get the chance to work things out. I didn’t know your dad, but I don’t think he’d want you to feel this way.”

He stares at some point over my shoulder and down the long driveway that runs along the side of the house. His body goes taut. He shoots to his feet and raises his voice. “Why are you here?”

I twist my body around in order to see what the hell is going on down the driveway.

Dana leans against his car. “Caleb, I came as soon as I heard.”

Shit! My scalp shrinks and goose bumps break out over my entire body. I never told Caleb about Dana. Why would she intrude now? I hurry down the steps and onto the driveway. “Dana, what the hell? His mom—”

“Stay out of this, Faith—stop forcing a friendship with me!”

What? I step back, reeling from her vehemence and the partial truth. “You came to me. I believed you.”

Caleb storms down the steps. “What do you mean you believed her?”

His voice breaks and it hurts to hear the painful sound.

Caleb asks, “You became friends with the girl who destroyed my family?”

No. Shit! Just no. This isn’t happening. My face flames hot, but my hands go numb with cold. “She needed help. I took her to Teen Space. We met for pizza…” I need to shut the hell up because his face twists into something unrecognizable. Furious.

“Caleb, I planned to tell you. I swear. That day, before we found out about your dad. Then I forgot—”

Dana interrupts. “You’re blaming me? You think I’d want to be friends with the girl who’s dating my ex? You approached me. You wanted to know if he’s trustworthy!”

All the blood drains from my head and I’m dizzy with the knowledge she’s used me to get to Caleb. And I let her.

“Caleb.” His mom grips one of the columns to the back porch like it’s the only thing keeping her upright. “You’re needed inside.”

I have no idea how much she’s overheard, but I’m sick with guilt. Nauseated I contributed to her pain on this day.

He says to us both, “Stay the fuck away from me and my mom.”

He stalks away. I know he means it. He wants us out of his life and I can’t blame him. The loss slices my heart. The knowledge I blindly hurt the man I love filets me.

I glance at Dana, but her focus remains on Caleb. I choke, “Well played. Do you think he’ll take you back now because I’m out of the picture, too?”

She says in a smug, but low voice, “Caleb always takes me back.”

I want to scream at her to leave him alone. Can’t she see the damage she’s caused? “You win by tearing us apart, but you lost Caleb the minute you made a play for his dad.”

Ty runs out of the house. He stops short when he sees Dana and me standing next to each other. Two women who might tear each other apart. “What the fuck’s going on?”

“Dana is a sadistic witch, but you already know that. I’m gullible and terminally stupid.” My throat nearly slams shut. “Ty, I hurt Caleb. And his mom. I didn’t mean to, but I did.”

Dana says, “Ty, don’t believe her selfless act. Maybe I shouldn’t have come here today, but you need to know Faith tricked Caleb.”

I make eye contact with Ty. “I screwed up. I’ll own that, but I’d never trick him. Please, go be with Caleb.”

“I have no idea what’s going on.” Ty stares hard at both of us. “Dana get your ass out of here. Faith, you’d better go, too.”

There’s not a thing I can do except respect his wishes and leave.

Dana whispers, “Did you think I wouldn’t scour KickBack for any mention of you? You’re pathetic. No one takes what’s mine.”

“You’re cruel and selfish. A manipulator. Caleb deserves someone so much better. He’ll never take you back.”

I walk down the driveway, arms folded across my chest to hold the pain of losing Caleb inside.

Dana raises her voice. “You think you’re so smart. The savior of all broken things. You can’t even save yourself.”

Like rocks thrown at my back, each word lands raising indelible bruises on impact that bloom and spread with their absolute truth. I don’t raise my voice, but I turn back to stare her down. “There’s nothing you can say or do to hurt me worse. You have my pity. Get help or you’ll end up friendless and alone.”

I’m at Dad’s condo trying to study at the dining room table. Finals are nearly upon us and there’s talk the Gladiators might play in a bowl game in December. Ty met me for coffee, and I told him everything. Beau and Kirsty both know about Dana’s scheme to obliterate my relationship with Caleb.

Caleb’s incommunicado and won’t talk to anyone. I did that to him. My heart is an open wound in my chest.

My phone pings, and I reach for it hoping it’s Caleb, but I see it’s a text from Beau.

R u @ ur Dad’s? Need to stop by NOW!

My fingers fly over the phone keyboard.

Yes. U R scaring me. What’s wrong?

@ Ty’s. B there soon.

My heart rate soars to stroke level, and I’m not sure why. Beau isn’t an alarmist, that’s why. Whatever he has to tell me is not going to be good. I take a breath and hold it, let it out. Repeat. I’m not going to jump to conclusions. Just because Beau was with Ty, it doesn’t mean this has anything to do with Caleb.

The doorbell rings, and I fly across the room to answer it. “Beau, tell me quick.”

He pulls his phone out of his pocket and swipes to pull up his KickBack account. He scrolls down to a picture posted about an hour ago by Sinjin with the following caption: “I’m done. Any takers?”

I stagger back into the still-open door. It’s me, in his bed, taken moments after we had sex last time. All I can think is thank God nothing is showing except some skin. Everyone Caleb is connected with on his social media account can see the picture he took of me. The picture Caleb was supposed to delete from his phone. Hundreds of replies have already posted.

Little black dots flash before my eyes. This is so much worse than what I left behind in Newford.

I never loved Dimitri.

My vision tunnels, and I stumble backward to the couch. I shove my head between my knees and try to get oxygen in my lungs.

Beau’s voice sounds like he’s underwater. “Shit. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have told you.”

I raise my hand, and my fingers are splayed in a plea for him to give me a fucking minute to remember how to breathe.

The couch dips when Beau sits next to me. “Please say something.”

I draw in a breath and let it out slowly. I sit up and make eye contact with Beau. “Silly me. I forgot how to breathe around the knife Caleb jammed in my heart by posting that picture of me for payback.”

Betrayal has a different flavor when your heart is fully invested in the person responsible for the treachery. It tastes like the salt of tears and carries the metallic taste of blood.

Beau reaches for my hand. “I was so pissed. I should have taken the time to tell you about it first, before showing it to you.” He rubs his temple with his free hand. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t think.”

“I’d rather hear it from you than anyone else.”

The words are out of my mouth when it hits me again. Caleb’s betrayal. I want to be alone. I don’t want to think about the number of people who follow Caleb’s KickBack account.

The bigger question is why did Caleb post a revenge-breakup pic today? He walked away from me a week ago. His public declaration he no longer wants me stops my heart for a beat. Then a dull thudding takes the place of its normal rhythm, white noise fills my head, and nausea rolls through my entire body in a giant wave.

We’re done. No turning back.