Caleb.
I’ve been visiting Grandpa’s grave each day since Dad died. I add the handful of carnations I brought with me today to one of the fixed vases at the base of the headstone. Grandpa died before I was born. Grandma’s here, too. Companion graves. Side by side.
The idea of being six feet under makes me shudder. I want to be cremated when I die.
Dad’s plot rests on the other side of the cemetery.
I haven’t placed flowers on his grave. I come here every day hoping I’ll turn right instead of left. Go sit with him instead of my grandparents. Tell the dirt blanketing his casket I’m sorry I withheld my forgiveness while he lived.
Today’s not that day.
I sit on the cold grass over my grandparents while the ground fog crawls up my chest. Sometimes I think if it covers me completely I’ll suffocate and I won’t feel the hole in my chest anymore.
The groundskeeper is an old dude. Been here forever. He knew Dad. Told me yesterday Dad started coming here to visit his parents every day beginning in August.
When our lives first went to shit.
I can’t imagine Faith believing Dana’s bullshit or talking to my ex about my trustworthiness. Dana lies. It’s the way Dana operates. Faith not telling me about her contact with Dana infuriates me. But instead of talking to Faith, I keep staring at the pic of her I promised to delete. I still can’t bring myself to move it to the trash. If I do that, it’ll feel like my connection to Faith will be lost.
I’m not ready to do that.
Since the day Dad died, I’ve kept myself in check. I rest my head on my knees. The one exception was the night we came home from the hospital, and Faith held me while I lost it. That’s the girl I fell in love with, not the one who betrayed me by spending time with Dana.
It was my choice to cut Dad out of my life. Now he’s gone. I’m in a cocoon—cushioned against all emotion—adding distance to everything around me. Maybe I’ll emerge from this state a better man? Or I could stay right here and remain numb.
My emotions short-circuit and tears blur my vision. The swirling mist reaches my chin, and I allow my grief to rip and tear its way through me. Twenty minutes or more pass before I feel warmth. Odd. Because the mist wreaks havoc along the hillside, and I should be freezing since my clothes are damp. I wipe my face on my sleeve and stand. I’m still selfish. His death is not about me.
Faith’s right. I need closure. I have to stop shutting myself away. This week I’ve turned away from Mom, Ty and the situation with Faith. This shit has to stop.
I stare across the cemetery and notice the fog disappeared over the section where Dad rests. The strange light pulls at me. A voice deep inside me whispers the tenet: Integrity doesn’t equal perfection.
Even heroes make mistakes.
I pluck the carnations from the stationary vase. My grandparents won’t mind. I’ll bring more for them tomorrow. I walk across the cemetery. My heart thuds in my chest.
His gravestone won’t be ready for weeks. I know I’ve reached his grave because I memorized its placement. They haven’t covered it in sod yet, and it pisses me off. I spread the flowers across the dirt covering his coffin.
He’s here alone, and my heart tightens like a fist.
“Dad.” My voice cracks, and I clear my throat. “I couldn’t accept the fact you screwed up. I didn’t want you to fall from the pedestal I built for you in my head.”
I crouch and press my hands flat against the sodden dirt. “I love you.” I can’t hold back the sobs that rack my body. “You pissed me off and hurt me, but I never stopped loving you.”
I breathe deep and say the words I wish I’d said while he was still alive. “I forgive you, Dad. I hope you’ll forgive me, too.”
I leave the stadium and walk down the tunnel to the locker room. Our final regular season game ends in a loss. We were spanked by Boise State tonight. I can’t drum up any emotion. Right now, showing up takes too much energy. I’m going through the motions, and the coaching staff knows it. I haven’t missed practice since we buried Dad a week ago and I lost Faith, but that doesn’t mean I’m present. I didn’t get any playing time tonight and couldn’t care less.
Except the sparks ignite inside me when I stare at Faith’s picture. Anger and longing war within my head. I wonder if she’s in the stadium, and whether she watched our team get our asses handed to us tonight? Out of the corner of my eye I see Everest stalk toward me while I finish changing into street clothes. Our lockers are situated on opposite corners of the room.
His hands are balled into fists. “I’m giving you exactly one minute to tell me why you’d hurt Lola this way? Your answer had better be good, CW, because she’s not some random groupie, and you’ve crossed a line.”
“I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about, but don’t ever say Faith and groupie in the same sentence or I’ll take you out.”
He leans in and talks to me in a low voice. “It sucks that your dad died. Ordinarily, I’d give you space, but she’s my friend. What’s wrong with you? I like you or I would have kicked your ass the second I laid eyes on you tonight.”
He’s serious. Something’s wrong, and it has nothing to do with my not talking to Faith since our blowup after the funeral.
“What the hell are you talking about?”
“The pic you posted on KickBack.”
My heartbeat stalls. “What pic? I haven’t been on KickBack since before my dad…”
He looks deep into my eyes and pulls out his phone. He selects the app and scrolls down. He turns the phone around to show me the pic I took of Faith in my bedroom hours before Dad’s heart attack. The pic I should have deleted from my phone. How the fuck did it show up on my KickBack account? I lean in to read the caption. The locker room spins as the full ramifications sink in.
I take the phone from his hand, and drop to the bench when my knees give out. It doesn’t make sense. Oh shit. Blood all but freezes in my veins. “Someone’s going to pay.” I glance at Everest. “I wouldn’t do this to her. Ever. Help me find out who did.”
“When I do, I’ll grind his bones to dust with my bare hands.”
“We’ll take turns. What do you need from me?”
“Do you have email loaded on your phone?”
“Yes. Why?”
“I need to check your email to see if someone logged into your virtual storage account from another computer. Your photos can be accessed via the Cloud.”
I reach into my locker for my phone, unlock it, and pass it to him. He swipes through my inbox and finds an email from my carrier stating my ID was used to sign in to the Cloud via a web browser. The email suggests a password change if someone other than me accessed my account.
Fuck.
I need a name. I will pound this motherfucker into the ground for hurting Faith. “Can you find out who did this?”
“Yes.”
I make eye contact with Everest. We’re on the same page. This fucker is toast. Whatever it takes. “Do I want to know how?”
“No. We’ll start with the easy pass. Who may have access to your Cloud account password?”
I rack my brain trying to figure it out. Then it dawns on me, and my vision hazes red. “The last time was over a year ago when I lost my phone at a mall and had to load the app to find it.”
“Where were you when you accessed your account?”
“With my ex at her parents’ place.”
“Looks like I won’t have to do anything illegal after all. Block her access by resetting your password. Disable your KickBack account. Is she a student here?”
Damn it. “Yes.”
“Lola’s my friend. No one messes with her.” His jaw grinds. “Text me the contact info on your ex. Since I can’t crush a girl’s spine, I’ll have to find an alternative to physical violence, which takes planning and forethought. I’ll be in touch.” He clasps my shoulder. “I’m sorry about your dad, bro.”
I nod but can’t speak. Adrenaline pumps hard and fast through my body. My nerve endings are charged with so much electricity I’m surprised I’m not sparking. I have to get to Faith. Explain. But if I don’t take two minutes to do as Everest suggests—my account remains accessible to Dana.
I’m so pissed at Dana my hands shake. Why can’t she leave me and the people I love alone? All my body heat evaporates at the thought of what Faith must think of the fucking post. I head out the facility door and slam straight into Ty.
“Caleb, what the fuck did you load on KickBack? I know Faith was wrong about Dana, but you know firsthand how conniving that girl can be.”
“Really? You don’t know me better than this?” I’m getting a little tired of people assuming I did it without asking me first.
“Caleb, what are people supposed to think? It’s your KickBack account.”
“Dana got into my account. She posted that pic, which I should have deleted, to fuck with us both. Did Faith see it? Where is she?”
Ty shakes his head. “She and Beau didn’t make the game. Beau saw it and took it to show Faith, figuring a friendly takedown was better than getting blindsided. He sent me a text earlier about missing tonight’s game. I don’t think she’s handling it well.”
Fuck. “I can’t imagine what she must be going through. I have to explain about Dana. Is she at The Row condo?”
“They were before your game.”
“Did you drive here?”
“Yes. I’ve got a ride, Caleb. Go.”
At least with The Row condo we’ll have privacy. If her dad isn’t home. We’ll be able to talk. Please don’t let her dad be home. He’ll kill me. And I’m doing a fine job beating myself up without his help.
I take off running for the parking lot behind the stadium where I left my car. I feel an urgency I haven’t felt in a week. A need to explain, to apologize to Faith for being caught in the middle of Dana’s war with me. Dana hurts people because she gets away with it. She’s spoiled and vindictive. I should have realized that immediately.
I drive to The Row in record time, park my car, and run to her condo. I alternate between ringing the bell and pounding on the door. I don’t care if her dad is home. I need to explain myself. Beau opens the door but blocks the entrance with his body. Anger radiates off him and blasts me. “She doesn’t want to talk.”
“I understand. But I didn’t post it.”
Beau swipes his phone, turns it around for me to see. “I know you just lost your dad, so I’m not going to rip into you. But take a look at this and tell me who you’d believe.”
Five hundred forty-three likes. One hundred and seventeen comments. Shit! It’s a screenshot taken of the post before I disabled the account.
He says, “Sure looks like your KickBack account.”
I try to push by him, but he played football, too. “Beau, it wasn’t me.”
“Try to push past me one more time and I’ll put you on your ass. I thought you were different. I encouraged her to be with you. So back the fuck off before I really lose my shit.”
“My account was hacked. I’d never do this to her. I love her.”
“Beau, let him in,” Faith says from somewhere inside.
Her voice doesn’t sound like her. I push past Beau and run into the living room to find her. Tears ravage her face. Swollen eyes dominate blotchy skin, and her nose glows red. Tissues litter the coffee table behind her. She’s wearing a plain hoodie and sweatpants large enough to fit Everest.
I move to hold her hands, but she wraps them around her waist, moves backward, forcing space between us.
“No.” Her voice is low, filled with pain. “Say what you came to say, and then I want you out of here.”
I accept she’s hurt, and it looks bad. “Faith, you know I would never do this to you.”
She closes her eyes for a moment and opens them to focus on me. “I trusted you.”
“Dana got into my Cloud account and uploaded the picture. I use the same passwords for both. Stupid. It left me vulnerable.”
Tears track down her face. “No. It left me vulnerable.”
My skin goes cold with sweat. I need to fix this. “Faith, I’m sorry. You have to believe me. I didn’t mean for this to happen.”
Tears continue to drip off her face. Her pain pierces my heart. She says, “I knew I was screwed the second you snapped that picture. Intimate moments should stay that way. No pictures needed. They get uploaded to the internet and never go away. Anyone can dig them up with a little effort. The concept of deleting something you want to keep private is a fucking fallacy.”
“I’m sorry, Faith.”
“I know!” She nearly screams it. Then lowers her voice to say, “Caleb, I fucked up first and acknowledge it. I hurt you by meeting and believing Dana’s crap for even one minute, and should have told you. I regret it more than I can say, but I can’t be with you.”
Fear replaces anger, and my fists bunch. “What do you mean?”
“You knew how much that pic bothered me. You promised you’d delete it, and you didn’t.”
“I’m sorry. I should have deleted it, but I never imagined—”
“We were doomed from the start. We have completely different world views.”
Blood drains from my head and I go dizzy. “What are you talking about?”
“You think a blow job is sex. But, for me, taking off my clothes and baring my soul was miles more intimate and unspeakably difficult—”
“Where did you get that idea?”
“I overheard you with Dana at the Halloween party.”
I didn’t even think about what I said to Dana, but it’s clear now. What do you call oral sex—French kissing a dick? I said it in anger to Dana. Not to hurt Faith.
“I went down on Dimitri but didn’t love him.” She inhales and lets out her breath. “I love you with my whole heart. And yet, social media was used to humiliate me both times.”
“That’s unfair. You’re so quick to put me in the same class as Dimitri. I would never use you the way he did. The entire time we’ve been together you’ve been waiting for me to fuck up so you could walk away from us. Don’t do it, Faith.”
She stares at me. Hope unfurls in my heart. Hope that she’ll recognize her anger is misdirected. And that we can get through this together. Even though I shut her out first. It’s a beat of time. Our future rides on whether she finds the courage to believe in what we’ve built between us these past months.
Her voice breaks. “For years I’ve hidden the shape of my body from everyone around me. Now anyone with access to your public account can see me half-naked. It won’t matter what I wear. They’ll remember exactly what my body looks like.”
My heart squeezes like a fist. “I never meant for this to happen!”
“You obliterated my trust!” She crosses to the door and opens it wide. “You walked away from me a week ago and wouldn’t let me explain. You cut me off without a thought because that’s what you do.”
Her words lash at me. The pain blankets me. I have nothing more to say, and I head out the door.
Ty forces me to come with him to Tony & Alba’s tonight. Faith blocked my contact on her phone. She’s not on social media for obvious reasons. Wednesday is two days away. I’ll see her in calculus, unless she bails. She cut my heart from my chest when she held that proverbial mirror up to reflect my actions.
I’ve lost Faith. She has completely closed herself off from everyone. Even Beau. She’s not accepting calls. Raja and Charlene banded together to keep everyone out of the dorm and away from her.
Beau blames me.
At least Faith didn’t block him.
The pizza tastes like Styrofoam. I set the slice on my plate. Ty points at the food I haven’t done more than lift from my plate. “Are you going to eat that?”
“Not hungry.” I snap Faith’s hairband on my wrist. My latest tic. I have this fear that I’ll never see her again if I take it off. The snapping helps center me.
“Caleb, be patient. She’ll come around. Probably when the hurt isn’t so fresh.”
His words make me wince. I can’t imagine Faith coming around ever again. I now know how devastating it feels to be cut off from someone you love. Especially when you share responsibility for the pain caused—and you’re prevented from making amends.
Like I did with Dad. And Faith. Her silence is painfully loud.
Ty boxes up the rest of the pizza and we walk home. All shops and restaurants at The Row are decorated for the holidays, which will arrive in the blink of an eye. The Gladiators final loss kept us out of important bowl games. We’ve been invited to play in the Rabbit Hole Bowl. A local bowl game hosted by our rivals, The Spartans.
Next up will be finals.
My first holiday without Dad.
Ty says, “Give Faith time to come to terms with what happened. Let this firestorm die.”
Except nothing dies on the internet. Pictures can be resurrected in the blink on an eye. From the Cloud and from the worldwide web. I google Faith and find Dimitri’s picture of her.
The fury hits me hard, followed by dread.
She won’t ever forgive me for being the conduit for her KickBack spotlight round two.