Chapter 11

Noah:

Reagan didn’t seem to want to go back to sleep. We’d sat together long after the sun rose, the kids all staying asleep while Reagan recounted the day she left her commune. I didn’t know how long we’d sat at that table together. I listened to horror stories for hours, hearing about how monsters took two little girls and put them through hell, all in the name of using their power.

“I didn’t think we would ever get out,” Reagan said, her head leaning against the couch in the sunroom. I’d suggested we go there, hoping being somewhere comfortable would make her fall asleep again. Instead, she clutched the mug of cocoa in her hands, fighting sleep. “We couldn’t have done it together. I know that now. We were so weak that anyone could have grabbed us.”

“Your sister died so you could live,” I said. “You might be angry with her, but I would do the same exact thing.”

“I’m not angry,” Reagan said, her fingertip ringing the lip of the mug. The two of us had gone through at least three of them, passing it back and forth. She gave it to me again. “I’m just sad. I don’t think I deserve to be here.”

“Why?”

“Elena was always the stronger one. The magic would have killed one of us eventually. We knew that much. But it would have been me that died. I’m not like her. I’m not strong or brave or any of the million things she was.”

After a drink of cocoa, I said, “It’s not power of body. It’s power of soul. You survived that place just as much as Elena did. You are no weaker than her.”

Reagan’s eyes turned glassy as she stared at her lap. “I’m not so sure about that. I feel like I don’t belong here. I’m safe, taken in by a pack that I have no right to claim. You probably have enough to deal with as it is. You don’t need some stray wandering in and making things harder for you.”

I handed the mug back. “In case you didn’t notice by the bed full of babies who look nothing alike, I have no problem with strays.”

She swallowed, watching me. “Why did you take me in? Is that it? Obligation?”

“Yeah,” I answered honestly. “You have the name of a member of my pack. Living or dead, your family is still part of us. Wolf or not, you are part of the pack.”

I listened as her heart raced. Reagan held onto that mug so tightly that I thought she would break it. I didn’t expect her to say anything to that. I’d merely been stating facts.

“It’s hard to wake up in a bed, safe in a warm house like this. It feels so unfair.”

“It is,” I said. “But not for the reasons you think. Elena should be here too. Maybe we could have found a way to keep the both of you alive.”

Reagan shook her head. “That’s not how it works. Our doctors spent almost a decade finding out every single thing they could about how our magic works. It killed our mother just giving birth to us. She hemorrhaged during labor and she spent most of the pregnancy in bed. We all almost died more times than I even know.”

“Exactly what makes you so sure we couldn’t have done something?”

Reagan sat up a little straighter, eyes squinting at the sun. “Our magic was broken in half. She had one part of it, and I had the other. Day and night. In the day, I had no power. In the night, it was her that had none. We could feel it, ya know, like an instinct. We felt like we weren’t whole. It’s the same as our souls.”

I didn’t know why I felt the need to ask. “You haven’t Mended?”

“No. Elena didn’t either. So somewhere in the world, someone—or a couple of someones—just lost their chance to ever be whole. I hate it. I hate that so many people were robbed so I could live.”

“You can’t simplify it like that. Your sister made the choice to let you live. That was her decision, and I’m sure the last thing she would have wanted was for you to steep yourself in guilt instead of being happy to be alive.”

“How can I be happy when I know the cost? It could have been me that died. I could have been the brave one. I looked into her eyes, Noah. I knew something was wrong. I saw the moment she decided she would die. I stayed still. I didn’t stop her.”

I couldn’t be objective about it. It seemed perfectly clear that no matter what Regan would have done, Elena wasn’t the one walking out of that building. She’d had no intention of trying to leave with her if it would have put her sister in danger. I could understand that. I respected it.

“I think I need to stop talking about this.” Reagan shifted in her seat, sitting up straighter before she gave up all together and sank against the couch. “I feel like my whole self has been squeezed to death.”

“Shitty life events do that to ya.”

Regan laughed for some reason. I didn’t realize what I’d said could sound funny. I’d meant it.

“Do you want to go to bed?” I asked, instead of telling her to go back to sleep. I wanted to, and I thought she needed it. I knew she wouldn’t listen to an order, and after everything she’d just told me, I couldn’t bring myself to even suggest she do anything.

Reagan shook her head. “I want to go outside, but I feel like I can’t. I’m just some freak and everyone can smell it on me. I’m the one that doesn’t belong.”

She didn’t know the meaning of freak. It wasn’t a dig on her, but a fact. I was glad she didn’t know. No one deserved the kind of feeling rotting inside of me.

“You aren’t the only Alium here,” I said.

The girl perked up, her eyebrows pushing together. “What? Who else? One of the kids?”

I swallowed hard, my heart beating fast in my chest as I pointed to myself.

Reagan didn’t look like she understood. “What?”

“Yeah…”

Her head cocked. My wolf liked something about that, but I didn’t bother to mention it. “But you’re a wolf.”

“Observant.”

“You’re a wolf. Not an Alium.”

“I’m both.”

She snorted, almost looking amused. “What?” she said for the third time. “No. Nope. You, you can’t be both. That doesn’t happen.”

“You think I’m lying?”

Reagan stiffened, smelling like fear. “No, but… I don’t understand.”

“My mother was Alium and my father was a wolf.”

“Is Pippa like you too?”

“No, and I have no idea how this happened. It just did. Everyone knows about it too, so you don’t have to keep it a secret or anything. Everyone knows there’s something wrong with me.”

Her lips parted like she was about to say something. I thought she must have decided against it, because it took her another couple of minutes before she spoke. “What can you do?”

She picked at the end of her sweater, clearly looking for a distraction so she didn’t have to stare at my face. I waited, thinking she would crack and look up at me again. It didn’t happen.

“It doesn’t matter,” I said.

Her green eyes spotted me. “You won’t show me?”

“I can’t.” I won’t. You have it right. Of course you have it right.

I thought that she might have known there was more to it. I’d braced myself for her to ask, and I knew in my gut that she wanted to. The words never came.

“I’d like to see what you can do though,” I said.

She went pale, fear coming back. I kept doing that to her and I didn’t even realize until too late. “What I can do is something awful. What Elena could do, that was beautiful.”

“It’s yours now. If you don’t want to show me what you could do before, can you show me what you can do now?”

Reagan looked toward the door out to the trees. She stood up without a word, took the mug from me, had one last drink, and started walking. I followed behind her like a dog.

“This part only works in the daytime,” Reagan said, pushing the door open. She stepped onto the rough ground of the woods, wincing at the discomfort. “What I had before, it only works at night. It’s like the power was the opposite of the other half. Elena and I are twins, but we’re not the same. We’re mirrors flipped upside down.”

“What exactly could Elena do?” I asked. “I take it it’s more than burning people up with light.”

“It’s a lot more than that. She could fill people with light, creating it from nothing. She still needed the sun to be up so she could do it. The second it went down, she had no power left. But more than filling people with light, she could fill them with power.”

“Power?”

Reagan stopped when we got to a small clearing. She turned to me, looking around like she worried someone would see us. “She could give power, and I take it. She could literally fill someone up with magic.”

“And… you can do that now?” I couldn’t help but think the most obvious thing. The thing my wolf screamed. This, this was what my pack needed. They needed much more magic than I could have provided, and this girl could give that to them.

“Yes,” Reagan answered. “But it’s not forever. It’s a small boost for as long as I can hold it, and I’ve never used Elena’s magic before. I’ve only tested mine. I fill people with darkness and misery, and I can smother their magic.”

I knew I shouldn’t have gotten too excited. It wasn’t like the cure to all my problems would just show up like the gods sent her. They didn’t send me a thing. They didn’t give me breaks.

“You want me to show you my magic?” Reagan asked.

I nodded.

She took a breath, shutting her eyes. I felt it starting to tingle around the edges of my being, like a knuckle rasping gently against a door, asking permission to come in. I didn’t know how to allow it. I relaxed as much as I could, trying to let it in.

It felt invasive, letting Reagan’s magic slip into me. I wanted to shut myself off and run, protecting myself from the ghost of a touch from another person. She didn’t touch me, but she might as well have. She might as well have raked her hands all over my body, digging into my chest and taking hold of my heart.

I felt power pulsing inside of me. It felt like Reagan too. It had her warm scent, and I’d recently realized she didn’t smell the same at night. She smelled like ice and destruction and steel. I couldn’t make sense of really anything but the pressure building inside of me. But I knew that these fingers claiming me, taking hold and pushing that magic, belonged to Reagan.

“How do you feel?” she asked, bringing me back to the woods with her.

I swayed on my feet, feeling claws pushing at the tips of my fingers. I was strong. I wanted to run. I wanted to break things and jump and fight.

I pulled my shirt over my head, not saying a word to Reagan. She stepped out of the way when I tossed it onto the ground. I saw her look away when I unbuttoned my pants.

“Uh, what’s happening?” she asked.

“Wrong skin,” I breathed, my words sounding like a growl.

In seconds, my clothes had been discarded and my body started shifting. Bones bent and grew and changed. I fell to the ground, letting the magic consume me as it hadn’t in so, so long. I still felt those hands all over me, the ones lifting me up and bringing power forth. Finally, I was my other self.

I shook out my fur, turning to face Reagan. I sniffed at her hand, taking in her scent. Smelled like heat again, but it burned brighter now than it had before. Would have liked to sit at her feet and felt her fingers in my fur, but I couldn’t. would have hurt too much. Would have made me sad to ask and be denied.

Had to keep myself from touching her. Knew somewhere deep, deep down that I couldn’t do it. But needed to. Needed to. Couldn’t understand why. The same voice that screamed at me to touch her, also said not to. Couldn’t do the touching when I was other me. Couldn’t put my hands on her. Rot and ruin. Always.

“Hey there,” Reagan said. Her voice sounded like windchimes, gentle and swaying as she knelt down. “I don’t know a lot about wolves, so I have no idea what kind of brain you have now. Would you be offended if I offered you a doggie treat?”

Joking, but still huffed at her and walked away. Needed to run, so I left. Heard her calling after me but didn’t turn around again. Couldn’t bear to. Not when my magic called.

The ground moved fast under me. Leapt over roots and rocks, landing hard as I kept going. Saw nothing but the trees as they turned into blurs around me. Forgot what this felt like. Couldn’t run with pups to take care of. They came first. An acceptable cost.

Loved running, but wanted to turn back. Wanted Reagan to watch me run. Needed to see me run so she would know how impressive it was. Turned around so I could find her again.

Easily caught her scent, and saw Reagan sitting at the bottom of a tree. Padded over to her and took a seat. Stared.

“Can I help you, sir?” she asked.

Cocked my head at her. Didn’t receive any compliments. Perhaps she needed to see me run some more. Trying it out, I began to run and jump in front of her. Body carried me high, and I landed perfectly each time. Got nothing from Reagan.

Stopped to growl at her.

“What?” She crossed her arms, looking unamused. “What am I supposed to do?”

Adore me.

I howled, padding to her again. Stopped at her feet and laid down, assuming getting a better look would make her realize I deserved compliments. Might have known too much about me for compliments. Could see too deeply. Nothing about me to compliment. Nothing about me to want.

Put head on my paws, watching Reagan watch me.

Looked weaker than she was, sitting there curled up on herself. Thought she might have been more comfortable that way, looking weaker. No one would suspect. No one would ask more of her than she could give. She’d lied to me before, saying she hadn’t killed too many people. Knew better now. The small girl who felt like a light breeze, more like a tornado. Didn’t want to hurt her, asking why she’d lied. I knew.

“Aww,” she said, smiling. “I think I like you better as a wolf. You can’t be mouthy like this.”

Happy.

Rose up from the ground and walked over to her side. Collapsed into pile beside her. Tired. Couldn’t sleep the night before. Too busy watching pups and Reagan. So broken. Her insides wanted to tear her up, and she let them. Couldn’t fix it for her, but I could watch and make her feel safer in my den.

Deserved to be safe.