Chapter 27 — Douglas

At half past eight the next morning, while Douglas was eating breakfast, the front door unlocked. He heard the sharp little click and then the sound of metal gliding against itself as someone turned the doorknob.

It didn’t take much to figure out who it was. Only two people had keys to his house—his mother, and Sebastian.

Douglas set his fork down, and he was halfway across the dining room when Sebastian appeared in the doorway. Their eyes locked. Sebastian’s eyes were downcast. When Douglas met his gaze, Sebastian looked away.

The pain on Sebastian’s face broke Douglas’ heart.

No one should look so frightened and uncertain, but especially not Sebastian, and especially not in his own home.

“I guess that things are different now, aren’t they?” Sebastian asked in a quiet voice. “A lot happened yesterday, and I’m not sure I know where to begin.”

Douglas wasn’t sure either. Half the time he moved too fast in relationships, falling too hard and too deep too soon. The other half of the time, he stuck his foot in his mouth and ruined his chances. He didn’t want that to happen now. Not with Sebastian.

“Yeah. It was one hell of a day.” Douglas slid his hands into the pockets of his pajama pants. He hadn’t bothered to get dressed today—he had nowhere to go. Without a job to show up to, nothing bound him to the outside world. “I… I need to talk to you about something. If you don’t know where to begin, maybe I can take the lead.”

Douglas knew he didn’t have a silver tongue. He’d never been particularly charming, and more often than not he was brash and to the point. Fear kept him from putting his foot in his mouth, but this time he felt like he had it figured out. If he didn’t bring up Sebastian’s sugaring at all, he wouldn’t hurt his feelings. He wanted Sebastian to know that he didn’t care—the past was in the past. Lingering on it was detrimental to both of them.

“Okay.” Sebastian didn’t move from where he stood. “Do you want to talk here, or…?”

“Here is fine.” The more casual, the better. Douglas needed to get over his hang-ups, and not making a big deal about the situation felt like a good start. “Yesterday I lost my job.”

“I know.”

Silence swelled between them. Douglas hated the way those words made him feel, but he told himself that the bad blood Kenneth had for him wasn’t a mark of failure. The more he admitted the truth, the easier it was to internalize that sentiment.

“I didn’t think it would happen. I have savings to pay the mortgage and keep the lights on for the next six months…but unless I find a job right away, I can’t afford to keep you.”

Sebastian dared look up at him, the fear in his eyes widening. The pretty blues Douglas loved so much glossed over. Sebastian bit down onto his bottom lip and nodded.

“It’s not that I don’t want to. I do want to. I want to keep you on with Ian permanently. If I had it my way, you’d be with us forever.”

Sebastian’s lips trembled, twitching at the corners as he fought to smile and failed over and over. It was hard, so hard, to see Sebastian like that. All Douglas wanted to do was hold him and tell him it would be okay.

“I just… I can’t afford to keep you here.” Douglas swallowed a lump that had risen in his throat. His heart beat in slow, sluggish pulses that twitched in his neck. “I’m doing my best to find a job, and I’ve already started to apply for available executive positions elsewhere, but it’s a slow process. I don’t know when I’d be able to bring you back on.”

“I understand,” Sebastian croaked. The tone of his voice convinced Douglas that he didn’t understand at all. “I guess I shouldn’t have shown up today. I’m sorry.”

“You don’t have anything to apologize for.”

“I should have told you the truth.” Sebastian glanced aside. He shuffled his feet, angled in such a way that it looked like he was prepared to duck. The slight contortion made Douglas even more uncomfortable—Sebastian was visibly not at ease. “From the very first day I should have told you. All of this is my fault.”

“How is it your fault that I lost my job?” Douglas asked. It felt like Sebastian was slipping away from him—like Douglas was struggling to hold him above the water, but Sebastian’s hands were greased. “You didn’t have anything to do with this decision. This is all because of Kenneth. You are in no way responsible.”

“If I’d told you the truth, you would have decided to go with someone else. I know that there were other applicants. You chose me because you thought I was something I wasn’t. I’m sorry to have let you down.”

What Douglas hadn’t wanted to happen was happening. Sebastian was bringing up his past, imagining that his choices were affecting Douglas’ decision. The reality was anything but.

“No.” Douglas tried to keep his voice firm, but his declaration shook. In it was fear of losing Sebastian, panic that he’d been perceived wrong, and frustration that no matter what he tried, he could never seem to get it right. “Who you were doesn’t factor into this. What you used to do doesn’t influence my decision. I’m not angry at you. I’m not disgusted. This boils down to a money issue, not anything more.”

How could he make Sebastian believe it? Like with Kenneth, Douglas knew he could talk until he was red in the face, but getting Sebastian to believe him wasn’t going to happen with words alone. Douglas saw the hurt in Sebastian’s eyes just as plainly as he read it on his face. He knew that there had to be more, but how could he make a declaration of love and have Sebastian believe it?

It was hopeless.

“I just…” Sebastian sucked in a breath through his teeth “I’m—”

Ian wailed. The sound came through loud and clear on the tiny baby monitor clipped to Douglas’ belt loop.

Sebastian twitched. It looked like he was ready to drop what he was doing to tend to Ian right away. The sentiment made Douglas ache. Sebastian had been so good for Ian, and it was clear he was attuned to his needs. Douglas didn’t want to part ways, but he couldn’t afford to keep paying Sebastian either.

“I need to go take care of Ian,” Douglas said. “You stay here and we’ll talk, okay? I can’t afford to keep you on, but that doesn’t mean we can’t figure something out.”

Sebastian’s face grew ashen, but he nodded. Douglas gave him one last look, then left the dining room to tend to Ian.

Ian was in his crib upstairs. When Douglas entered the room, he was squirming and sobbing. Douglas moved to the side of the crib and lifted Ian up. He laid him against his chest and patted his back. By the sound of Ian’s cry, he was gassy.

Sebastian had taught him to listen more carefully to the way his son cried. Sebastian had taught him a lot of things about being a dad that Douglas had picked up by watching. Little things that made small differences, but that enriched Ian’s life.

“Hey now, don’t cry,” Douglas murmured. He paced around the room, stroking and patting Ian’s back. “One day, you’re going to look back and realize that this was the easy stuff. Getting used to your body? Growing pains? You’re just getting started. One day you’re going to be moving mountains, and I’m going to be right there to help you.”

Ian clutched at his ear. The small crescents of his fingernails dug into Douglas’ skin, and Douglas pulled his head away. Ian grabbed at the collar of his t-shirt instead.

“Are you hungry, too?” Douglas asked. They moved in small, slow circles around the room. “We can get you a bottle. I always feel better after I’ve eaten something. And if we go downstairs, you can see Sebastian. Would you like that?”

Ian didn’t stop crying.

Douglas took Ian from his nursery and down the stairs. He brought him into the kitchen and bounced him as he set a pot of water on to heat, a bottle suspended in it. While the bottle warmed, Douglas took Ian to the dining room where Sebastian waited.

Only Sebastian wasn’t there anymore.

Douglas checked the bathroom, but Sebastian wasn’t there. He would have heard if Sebastian had gone upstairs. Douglas checked the living room, just to make sure he hadn’t overlooked Sebastian on one of the couches.

He hadn’t.

Sebastian was gone.

A crying baby on his shoulder and regret clutching his heart, Douglas returned to the kitchen to tend to Ian’s bottle. He knew rejection when he saw it—he’d been through enough of it in his life to know the signs. But rejection wasn’t all it was.

Sebastian was scared. Sebastian was misguided. Sebastian was wrong.

Douglas didn’t care that he had been a sugar baby. It made no impact on his life other than the uncomfortable understanding that Kenneth had once paid his boyfriend to go out on dates.

In fact, in light of his recent dismissal, Douglas was glad that he’d learned what he’d learned—to know that Sebastian had rejected Kenneth despite the money was satisfying in a smug, selfish way.

There was only one way to convince Sebastian that he was interpreting Douglas’ intention in the wrong way. As Douglas rocked Ian and did his best to drown out the shrill cries so close to his ear, he considered the best way to do it.

He wasn’t going to let Sebastian go. He refused to let this relationship end like all his others had.

Sebastian was worth so much more.

Now all he had to do was prove it.