Chapter 19 — Douglas

Ian was crying. Douglas stirred, still tired from the night before, but bound by his love for his son. He rolled over only to discover that the bed wasn’t empty—a warm body occupied the space beside him, and it grunted in protest when Douglas tried to roll over it.

Sebastian.

Memories of the night before flooded Douglas’ mind. How many times had they gone at it last night? Douglas remembered fragments, little slivers of pleasure that melded one into the next. One moment, he had Sebastian’s leg over his shoulder while he worked into his tight body with fervor. The next, Sebastian was straddling his lap, bouncing on his cock as he threw his head back in total bliss.

The night had been a strange combination of sleeping, caring for Ian, and then coming back to bed to pleasure each other. The small mountain of condom wrappers on Douglas’ bedside table were a testament to that.

But now the pleasure was over, and the reality of the situation set in. Douglas had taken Ian’s manny to bed. Not only that, but he’d done it again, and again, until both of them had passed out from exhaustion.

I’ve really gone and done it now. This can only end badly.

Sebastian didn’t wake up, so Douglas rolled the other way and got out of bed. When he was on his feet, he looked back at Sebastian.

Sebastian was nestled in the blankets, a flash of auburn hair visible, but little else. His clothes were scattered at the foot of the bed, and Douglas rescued the baby monitor from his belt loop and silenced it. He left the room after donning a bathrobe to tend to Ian, lifting him from his crib to bring downstairs. It was about time for breakfast anyway.

After all Sebastian had done to take care of him, he wanted to make breakfast for all of them.

Douglas set some milk to heat, then set a pan on the stove and looked through the fridge. It had been such a long time since he’d prepared a meal that he wasn’t sure what was in the house. Sebastian took care of the groceries during the day, and he cooked at night. Douglas had been spoiled.

He found an open pack of bacon, so he set several strips on to fry. Ian was still being fussy, so Douglas kept him against his chest while he worked. It slowed his steps significantly, but it didn’t stop him. He had no doubt that Sebastian had juggled worse and pulled through. If Sebastian could manage taking care of Ian full-time while helping around the house, Douglas could as well.

When the bacon was sizzling and Douglas had thoroughly washed his hand, he checked on the bottle. It was lukewarm—perfect for Ian. Douglas settled his son into the crook of his arm and let him feed, watching as Ian’s hands curled and his eyes closed in delight.

“Your dad is happy, too,” Douglas murmured. He rocked Ian in his arms slowly, establishing a relaxed rhythm. “I wonder what you’d think if you knew. I wish you could tell me. I like him, but do you?”

There was no way to tell. Douglas knew that Ian didn’t dislike Sebastian, but that didn’t say much. Ian was too young to dislike anyone unless they were particularly loud and aggressive.

“I wish it were simpler. I want what’s best for both of us, but I feel like sometimes, that’s not going to be possible.” Douglas studied the curl of dark hair atop Ian’s head. “I need to be thinking about you, not me, but… but when it comes to him, I can’t help it.”

He still hadn’t told Sebastian about the open accounting positions. Every time he thought about it, his guilt grew stronger. Sebastian deserved to know, but Douglas couldn’t tolerate the idea of saying goodbye. None of his relationships had lasted much longer than a few months, and that was with distance. Here Sebastian was, living in his house and now falling into bed with him, and there was no end in sight.

It worried Douglas. It made him think that their breakup was going to blindside him and leave him broken-hearted. Then he’d be left without someone to look after Ian, a crushed spirit, and no hope.

Douglas waited until Ian unlatched from the bottle, then he put him in his rocker. Once Ian was settled and happily swinging away, Douglas returned to the kitchen and flipped the bacon.

He didn’t feel all that hungry anymore. Doubt and guilt joined forces to fill him with putrid discomfort.

He’d acted on impulse. He’d acted like a single man, even though he wasn’t anymore—he was a father, and Ian’s needs had to come before his own. He’d crossed the line.

Douglas removed the bacon from the heat. Shrinking in on himself, he transferred it to a paper towel to drain, then returned the pan to the element. He cracked eggs against the counter and dumped their contents into the pan to let them fry.

There was a chance he could take back what had happened last night. Sebastian was still young. Someone as vibrant and attractive as he was likely had no shortage of men interested in taking him home. He probably wasn’t looking for a relationship just yet.

Casual sex was okay if that was what they both agreed on. If that was the case, no one’s feelings had to get entangled. No hearts had to be broken.

Except for the fact that Douglas was already drawn in deep.

He turned the eggs and tried to reason his way out of how he was feeling, but every time he came up with a hopeful point to cling to, his heart always found a way to cast doubt. He didn’t want to lose Sebastian, not as a manny, and definitely not as a lover. But what other choice did he have? They were at two different points in their lives.

With everything stacked against them, their chances for a long, fulfilling relationship looked thin.

I always do this. Every damn time…

Douglas lifted the eggs onto their respective plates, then turned the oven onto the warm setting and left the plates inside. He turned with every intention to go upstairs and wake Sebastian only to find Sebastian standing in the entryway to the kitchen. He wore yesterday’s boxer-briefs and his t-shirt, but nothing else.

Douglas’ dick throbbed.

Auburn hair messily pushed to the side, expression divided, he looked Douglas up and down. It took Douglas a moment to understand what was going on—Sebastian was reading the discomfort and hurt in his features, and more likely than not, he was taking it to mean that Douglas regretted the night before.

A knot rose in Douglas’ throat. He struggled to find the words to say, then abandoned speech entirely. Instead, defeated, he looked back at Sebastian as Sebastian looked at him.

There were few worse feelings than letting someone down—but letting Sebastian down hurt most of all.

“I see you need some space.” Sebastian spoke in the soft, crestfallen way that meant he was hurt. “Sorry. I’m… going to shower, and then I’m going to spend some time in my room.”

“I made breakfast.” It came out far too gruff and emotionless. Faced with the possibility of heartbreak, Douglas’ walls went up. He cringed.

“I’ll eat it later. I need to wash first.” Sebastian stared at his feet, then took a small step back. He looked a few seconds way from bolting. “Thanks for breakfast. See you later.”

Sebastian left, climbing the stairs more quickly than he usually did. He left Douglas to his poisonous thoughts and crippling self-doubt. What he’d feared most of all was coming to pass.

He was going to lose Sebastian on all fronts, and there was nothing he could do to stop it. Whether he stepped in now and fought for what he wanted didn’t matter—eventually they’d find a reason to break up, and Sebastian would go on without him.

This is why I don’t fall in love anymore. It’s not worth the pain.

Disappointed in himself and the way he’d handled the situation, Douglas took his breakfast from the oven and sat at the dining room table, alone, to eat. When he’d decided to find a surrogate to have Ian, he’d told himself that he was going to raise the child on his own.

So why was it so difficult to accept that his time with Sebastian was coming to an end?

Douglas poked and prodded at his food, eating as much as he could before discarding the rest. Between the unrest at work and the division in his soul over Sebastian, he was spread too thin to take good care of himself.

No matter how much it hurt, Ian had to come first and foremost in his heart. Being a father was all about sacrifice, and if he had to learn that lesson the hard way, so be it. Ian was the one who would always be in his heart, and he was the one Douglas would have in his life until he took his last breath.

Love would have to come second, if it could come at all.