43- Ravi

As Mariana's pregnancy progressed, we developed a routine.

Normally, I would wake up before her and do some exercises to release some of the excitement that was just building up. When I came back, she was awake and we were having breakfast.

Afterwards, I would resolve matters on the hill and update Gael on the sale of goods, while Mariana walked around the property and slept most of the time. After a few hours, I would return to the house and we would have lunch together. Then, I would return to my duties and Mariana would return to her routine, which consisted of sleeping or staying awake for a few hours, always eating during this period, often just sitting next to me and listening to me talk to the local drug dealers.

Even though she didn't seem to pay attention in those moments, I knew she was, as she often asked me questions about business during dinner.

I didn't care about her curiosity, even though I knew she silently condemned me. The idea that I not only supplied drugs to some residents of Jacarezinho, but that we were also the main source of supply for some favelas, was a cycle that would never end.

She didn't understand that if I didn't do it, someone else would. And the world wouldn't necessarily be safer or better. Drug bosses and dictators would get the guns one way or another. The only question was who would profit from this and I would rather be that person.

I knew Mariana wouldn't agree with that argument, but it didn't matter. I didn't need her approval, I just needed her right where I was.

And I had it. She was with me so much that I started to forget what it was like not to have her by my side. We were rarely away from each other for more than a few hours, and when we were, I missed her so much it was like a physical pain in my chest. I didn't know how I managed to leave her alone in the house for days or even weeks. Now, I didn't even like seeing Mariana go out walking around without me and I did my best to accompany her when she wanted to walk around the property in the late afternoon, claiming it was good for the baby.

I did this because I wanted the company of my son's mother, but also to make sure she was safe. Although my enemies couldn't steal it from there, there were snakes, spiders, and poisonous frogs in the area. And, in the nearby tropical forest, there could even be jaguars and other predators. The chance of her being bitten or seriously injured by a wild animal was slim, but I didn't want to take any chances. I couldn't bear the thought of her getting hurt.

When I heard Marian vomiting non-stop, as if she were going to die at any moment, I had almost lost my mind with panic and that was before my addiction to her had reached that insane new level.

My fear of losing her was beginning to border on the pathological. I recognized this, but I didn't know how to control it. It was a disease that didn't seem to have a cure. I worried about Mariana constantly and obsessively. I wanted to know where she

she was there every moment of the day. She was rarely out of my sight, but when she was, I couldn't concentrate.

My mind conjured up fatal accidents that could happen to her, as well as other frightening scenarios.

— I want to place two more guards to follow Mariana — I say to the leader of the soldiers one morning. — I want you to follow her whenever she walks around the property to make sure nothing happens to her.

- He is well. — Lucas didn't even blink when he heard my unusual request. — I'll make sure there's always someone around.

- Excellent. And I want them to send me a report every hour.

- It can leave.

I knew it wasn't enough to leave me completely at ease, but I felt that for now, just to not go crazy with so many assumptions, it would have to work. If I were to transform that house into a fortress, I would transform it without any problem, but nothing would happen to it or my son, not even when I was nearby, much less when I was far away.

A short time later, I found her in the kitchen, preparing her morning snack, I cursed myself in thought for having forgotten that detail. She was so distracted by what she was doing that she didn't notice when I approached.

I just wasn't expecting that when he noticed me there, he would punch me in the nose.

— Oh, my God, I’m sorry! — She runs to me, grabbing a dish towel to stop the blood. She looked so desperate that I burst out laughing, even though my nose was throbbing a lot. It was the reward for arriving so unexpectedly and scaring her.

She managed to catch me off guard at a time when I was looking at her ass and fantasizing about taking her clothes off.

— Ravi! Why are you laughing? — Mariana's voice became a little higher as she pressed the dish towel to my face. — You should see a doctor! Your nose could be broken...

- I'm bemm Ariana — I assured between one laugh and another, taking the dish towel from her trembling hands. — I guarantee I've been through worse things. If it was broken, I would know. — My voice was a little nasal because of the tissue over my nose, but I could feel the cartilage with my fingers and saw that it hadn't been damaged. I would get a black eye, nothing more.

But if I hadn't dodged to the right at the last second, her movement would have completely crushed my nose, forcing bone fragments into my brain and killing me instantly.

— Of course it's not okay! — She walks away, looking very upset. — I could have hurt you seriously!

— And wouldn't I have deserved it?

She stares at me coldly, but I can tell she's starting to calm down now that the initial shock has worn off.

— Probably — she says in a calmer voice. — But that doesn't mean I want you to suffer. I'm stupid and irrational.

I smiled at her, putting down the dish towel. The bleeding had almost stopped.

As I had suspected, it was only a minor injury.

— You're not an idiot — I say softly, getting closer to her. Although my nose still hurt, there was a new, growing pain in an area lower down my body. — You are exactly how I want you.

— Brainwashed and in love with a drug dealer? —

she asked dryly as I reached out, dropping the bloody tea towel to the side.

The question actually caught me by surprise, as I didn't expect to hear something like that from her, despite having already noticed small signs, but I would never come to the conclusion that Mariana was in love with me.

— Yes, exactly — I murmur, having no idea what to say, as I felt like I was in a tight spot at that moment. - Exactly...

I had no idea what I thought was happening, much less did I know how to handle that situation, I never got to that part, where I was told in so many words something that I always avoided as much as possible, because I had already seen what happened when people were left. Take that feeling, things never end well, someone always gets hurt.

And I wasn't willing to get hurt.

Hesitation dominated me, the fear that what happened to Gael would happen to me and I wouldn't have the same strength he had to rise again three times.

- Will not you say anything? - She asks quietly, with a nervous smile on her face.

I swallow hard, still having no idea what I should say to him. She was clearly waiting to hear something from me, but what? What did I have to say to her?

- What do you want me to say? - I ask, instantly regretting that question, when I realize how stupid I had sounded.

- Is that really serious? - She questions in disbelief - You have nothing to say?! I just told you I'm in love with you and you just ask me what do you want to say?

- I didn't ask you to fall in love with me.

- How I didn't ask to be in this house, but still, you keep me here.

- It's safer here than anywhere else - I argue.

- Of course, you made it like a prison. There's always a soldier nearby!

- I'm doing this for your own safety! They already tried to kill my son once, nothing guarantees that they can try a second time!

She shakes her head from side to side, tensing her jaw. Her expression was no longer one of irritation but of sadness, it was as if she had managed to hurt her feelings as a pregnant woman.

- So I think it's better to leave me here alone and let other people take care of me - She turns back to the sink, ignoring my presence.