Part One Hundred and Three

The silence was almost maddening and I knew I had to tell them all of it, even my part in it. I had to voice out my guilt, no matter what they thought of me afterward. This was my family and they’d accepted me as I was, broken and untrusting and they’d embraced my darkness.

“Madison and I had a fight that afternoon when I went to pick up Kalen. She told me she still loved me and I rejected her, told her that I didn’t love her anymore, that I basically never wanted to see her again,” I said.

“It wasn’t your fault,” Alexander said.

“Wasn’t it?” I asked.

“No.”

“Jared blames me,” I said.

“Jared’s a kid, he doesn’t know the whole story,” Castiel said.

“He needs to blame someone,” Alexander said.

“You need to tell him the truth,” Miles said.

“Maybe someday I’ll tell him, but not now,” I said.

“Kage, listen to me, you did everything you could. You gave Madison a home, a family, you took care of her when she had nowhere to go, you loved her completely. Her actions and her choices ended your marriage, her lies. Getting divorced was the best thing you could’ve done for you. People rarely change, Kage, I’m not saying she was a terrible person, but she did terrible things, who knows why, but she chose to kill herself and I’ll be damned if you’re going to blame yourself,” Alexander said.

“She made the darkness go away for a while,” I said.

“You don’t need someone to keep your darkness away, that’s something you have to do for yourself,” Miles said.

“I know Miles, I’m working hard to stop the darkness from taking over, my only sanity at this stage is Kalen,” I said.

“Children have a way of bringing out the best in us,” Castiel said and I smiled at him.

“I have some news too, although I wouldn’t want to put a damper on your misery,” Endri said.

“We could do with some good news,” Alexander said.

“Luke and I found a surrogate, she’s going to carry our baby for us,” Endri said.

“That’s great, Endri!” I said with a smile.

“Who’s going to be the father?” Miles asked him.

“Both of us, we’re going to try for two fertilized eggs, so essentially she’ll be carrying twins,” Endri said.

“Can you do that?” Miles asked.

“Of course,” Castiel said.

“I’m very happy for both of you, you’ll make great parents,” Alexander said.

“Thank you, that means a lot to me,” Endri said.

“How are you guys doing without Justin?” Castiel asked me.

“Chuck’s not bad, we’re not really gelling yet, he’s not Justin, but he’ll get there,” I said.

“Justin had the skills to end up in the NHL hall of fame,” Alexander said.

“How is Justin holding it together?” Miles asked.

“He seems okay, but who knows, he might just be pretending to be okay,” I said.

“He’ll be okay once he finds something else to focus on,” Alexander said.

We spent hours on top of the roof and watched the sunset and we only went inside when Cherise called us all for dinner. The house was quiet once they had all left and I sat on the rocking chair in Kalen’s room, watching her sleep, wondering if Madison had really thought this all through.

Madison’s funeral service was a somber affair. We didn’t have a church service but opted for a graveside service instead. We had carried her coffin from the hearse to the grave site and Jared didn’t look at me once, nor did he greet any of us.

I didn’t want to push him, he was mourning, we all were, we had all loved her in our own way. The service was short and the pastor had spoken words that we had written down about her, her life and ultimately her death.

There weren’t many people there and aside from my family only Steve and Jared had attended the ceremony. It was kind of sad that she hadn’t had anyone to lean on, and didn’t have any friends she could talk to.

After the service we went back to my condo and Steve had declined to join us. Jared was still mad at me and didn’t want to see me. I didn’t blame him, I knew one day maybe he’d understand when he knew the whole story but I was still sad about losing him too.

“You okay?” Castiel asked me when we walked inside.

“I will be,” I replied.

“I don’t doubt that for a second,” he said and glanced at Katiya.

“It’s too soon,” I said.

“It’s not too soon, Madison is like the only woman you’ve ever had a real relationship with,” he said.

“Yeah and look where that got her,” I said.

“You give yourself too much credit, you’re not that awesome,” he said and I laughed.

“Katiya’s complicated …”

“Everything in life’s complicated, look at me and Tiff,” he said.

“What is going on there?” I asked him.

“We’re taking it slow, but we’re sharing a bed, raising Cade, trying to be a couple,” he said.

“I’m glad that you’re happy, really I am, but don’t make the same mistakes I did,” I said.

“True, I didn’t love her when she got pregnant but I can honestly tell you that I love her now,” he said.

“That’s good, she deserves a good life, she’s a good woman,” I said.

“Yeah cool it, jock, you had your chance,” he said and we both laughed.

“What’s so funny?” Katiya asked as she brought me a glass filled with scotch.

“Oh Kage just reminiscing about you screwing him,” Castiel said.

“I bet he thinks about that all the time,” Katiya said.

“Especially in the shower,” Castiel said.

“You do realize I’m standing right here,” I said.

“Is that why his shower time has doubled?” Katiya asked.

“Oh definitely,” Castiel said.

“Good to know he’s still a healthy male,” she said and walked away.

“I hate you,” I said as Castiel laughed at me.