Chapter 17

"Who are you" Ali asked me as soon as l entered her bedroom and l smiled joking her in bed. l pulled the cover and stared at her. l didn't smile because what she said was funny or anything but l smiled at the strange game destiny had played on us.

"l am nobody "l said staring at her ceiling. "Three months before this day l wouldn't have imagined myself here. l wanted to travel you know" l said laughing as a tear fell from my cheek. "l wanted to take a gap year and just see the world and what it has to offer, l figured l'ld probably come home after every two months to check on my parents because they were so protective of me.

My dad would probably call me three times everyday without fail to ease his mind because he was constantly worried about me. Though l am not sure he would have managed to stay a whole year without me. Perks of being an only child right?" l said wiping the tears that flowed continuously. Ali was now facing me.

"l can picture my mom scolding my dad, 'give her space, she's young and how do you expect her to fall in love if you're always behind her like a shadow' she was always on dad's case when it came to me and my wellbeing. They both had different on what l should do or should l say how l should do it but they always urged me to follow both my heart and mind.

Today both my mind and heart are in two different places though. My mind says that staying quiet is the right decision but my heart won't take it." l sobbed and Ali rubbed my arms trying to offer me comfort but it didn't work.

"When dad's cancer began we thought that it would pass and it did but nothing lasts forever. The cancer didn't just affect him but it ate away our family as well. We constantly lied to each other that it would get better but it never did. We suffered everyday with fake smiles on our faces.

You know my dad always spoke about his funeral and we humored him but l am the only one who truly bore the brunt of his funeral. It was everything he wanted it to be yet nothing was the way he told me it would be like.

l know my parents loved me truly but they are also my biggest source of pain. They both left me. They left me with the responsibilities l am unable to carry and secrets that give me nightmares at night" She was listening at me attentively and she didn't interrupt me. My heart was feeling lighter as l shared pieces of my life with Ali.

"So to answer your question, l don't know who l am anymore but l know that l will never be the person l was before l lost my parents. l am now a shell of that girl. The happy go lucky girl who gave everyone a smile wherever she went was gone. Daddy's little girl was now only half the girl she was and she could never be fully happy. Mommy's number one supporter was so damn angry with the world and l know that l will never be truly happy.

When l stare in the mirror l don't see myself anymore, my eyes have lost their shine, my body has lost it's will to move and my face is the biggest slap because it reminds me of what l lost along with my parents. "l said and l noticed Ali was now crying as well.

"Don't cry for me "l said wiping her tears away. "You sound like an old soul" she laughed through her tears. "l certainly feel like one" l mumbled joining her laughter.

"How do you do it because l know l wouldn't be able to" she asked. "l take everyday like it comes" l smiled. "Some days l don't even want to come out of bed but some days l feel like living" l said.

"l wouldn't be able to live in your shoes, you're so strong " she said smiling at me and l smiled back. She was wrong though, she is just as strong as l am because she has survived Connor for a while now it seems. l should tell her the truth but l couldn't. We have both gone through a lot as it is. l couldn't burden her with this truth.

"l think you're strong as well but you don't give yourself credit for it" l told her.

"instead of facing my problems, l always take the easy way out so trust me, l am not strong" she responded.

"do you think we will be able to live normaly after this." l asked her.

"No l don't think so, how do l face Killian and the guys. They are my best friends and Connr was our brother" she said.

"we may be saved from jail but the guilt will never go away" l expressed my thoughts.

"Everytime l hear someone at the door then my first thought is police, everytime l get a call l think that it must be Killian telling me that he knows the truth, l dream about what we did at night and it's exhausting" she said and l sighed.

This is a demon that will haunt us for life.