Chapter 28:- The Road towards Healing (I)

"Yes I am a selfish person. Happy? Now leave and don't come back ever. Go back to India and live your life." Armaan admitted, with his ashamed eyes casted down. He felt too small in his own eyes.

Khwaab could never measure his deep-rooted repugnance for his own flawed self and was stunned to witness a defeated Armaan who didn't loose to others but to his own self imposed challenges and doubts. She expected him to retaliate and argue and in that way his thoughts would come to surface. This is what the doctors had planned seeing him going in an isolated zone.

"Is it that easy for you Armaan, to live without me?" She whispered defeatedly, her heart pained to even repeat those words that he uttered so easily.

"Living is just a liability for me and with this dead end I can offer you nothing but pain. I have come to terms with the fact that reality and expectations are often different and the reality is, your Armaan had given up. It is better if you accept it soon and move on with a better person." His words were broken but razor sharp that pierced rightly to her soul. She could feel his pain now, as their souls were connected.

“How easy it is, right? How easy it is for you to say to me, to go back to India and move on in my life! Thankyou for whisking me out of your life like a nobody. But tell me one thing, what would you say to your parents? To find a new and a better son for themselves because this one has clearly lost his mind.” She retaliated, determined to set things right.

“Well you are lucky enough to have a choice and I tried to put off the burden that your Almighty has imposed on them too but destiny decided something else. They deserve the best and I can only be the reason behind their tears and sadness. You can never understand Khwaab how it feels and isn’t it this Armaan you knew, who was always the weaker one, who needed others' support to fight through his tough battles but it’s high time to free others from the burden I am, now and forever. I know the way I chose was dastardly wrong for everyone out there but for me it was right and if you really wish to hear the truth, then listen- I am not guilty for pulling off this step but of the fact that I involved you too in that and I’m really sorry for that. Trust me, I am.”

His honest words jabbed her heart. She pressed her lips in a thin line, hiding her glossy eyes as she reminisced the moment when she saw him in that dreadful condition.

His right arm was better than all his limbs and gradually he was able to stuff those pills in his mouth while Khwaab was gone to buy herself a sandwich. But at the last moment he couldn't drink the water and had to ask Khwaab for assistance.

Being unaware of what ran in Armaan's mind she made him drink that water but luck wasn't on Armaan's side or maybe it was and he coughed out loud and as a result few pills fell on his shirt shocking Khwaab. Before he could frame an excuse she summoned the doctor and his intentions were out in open.

Khwaab composed herself and rubbed her eyes before the tears could fall down. She sighed and took determined steps towards the couch and took out a pen and a paper and scribbled something over it fastly. Folding the paper into four folds, she picked up her purse and walked back to Armaan and handed that letter to him. He took it from her and stared at her confused with her reaction to his words.

“Read it out before everyone and please make my parents understand why am I taking this step that may feel wrong to everyone but it’s necessary for me.”

Armaan’s eyes widened with fear before he opened the paper and read the letter. ‘I wish to be alone and I don’t know when I would return or maybe I won’t. Please don’t try to search for me.’

“Khwaab what is this bullshit? You aren’t doing that just because I admitted my positive upfront regarding suicide. You can’t make fun of my misery and feelings like this!” He was enraged with her step but more than that he was scared, not able to comprehend her haywire thoughts.

What if she takes any drastic step? Like him.

No! He cannot let her do that.

“I am making fun of your feelings? Yep, your feelings and your pain! It’s always about what you feel. But anyways I am not going there. Give it back to me and I’ll hand it over to your parents.” She stated nonchalantly and held out her hand but he crumpled the letter in his fist.

“No, I won’t. You need to explain what are you trying to do.”

“And why should I? I owe you nothing, neither an explanation nor a goodbye.” She declared angrily.

“Khwaab listen...”

“No you listen. I’m done, done with you and done with putting you above everything. You wished to end your life and you took a step towards it and I became the roadblock. I’m sorry for doing so with you. And now you are tossing me out of your life since you don’t need me anymore, because unlike your parents I have an option, right? This shows that you never considered me a part of your family while you are my everything. That says a lot about your faith in me, that I can move on so easily? Thankyou so much Armaan, for showing me the mirror, for killing my hopes once and for all and for breaking me mercilessly. Now I want to do something for myself so please let me be.”

Having enough of the arguments, Khwaab avowed it all. It’s better to have a closure before leaving rather than running away from everything. Breathing loudly at the end, she buried her hands in her face, not willing to show her weak side to anyone, not even him.

He stretched his left arm which was shaking due to weakness, but not more than his shivering refute. Tugging her elbow gently, he made her sit before him while she looked aside, ignoring his penetrating gaze. Those orbs have the power to change her decision.

“I never meant that. You left everything back and came here, for me. I don’t want to tie you with me due to my health condition. I... I want you to be happy.” He explained his motive, his voice soft.

“And you think I would be happy without you. Your parents will be happy to see your dead body Armaan? Had I been on your place, then my death given you peace too?” She asked with a softer voice but the words were sharp enough to pierce his heart and create an impact on it.

He clutched her hand tightly, pleading her to stop as he couldn’t bear hearing all this even.

"Then think how do we all feel? How do I feel? How would I've felt when I'd made you drink that water by my own hands and you'd stuffed those pills in your mouth. I would've been the one responsible for your death. And you were ready to die, leaving me with that guilt for lifetime."

Armaan didn't have any answer to her questions and he looked aside breaking the eye-contact. He would have preferred death over seeing her, his parents dying in front of his eyes.

He leaned forward resting his head on his collarbone and shut his eyes , few tears spilling out of his eyes and wetting her shirt.

"It pains Khwaab and I'm tired. I cannot bear it more. These medicines, physiotherapy and this helplessness. I can't. I want to go Khwaab, please let me go. Please." His plea tugged the strings of her heart and she embraced him without caring about how angry she was a moment back and they are still fighting.

"And will everything fall into place after your death? Will your soul be ever at peace? If yes then I promise I'll convince everyone to let you go. Tell me?" She questioned him while caressing his back. He tilted his head a little and stared at her innocently.

"Then you tell me what should I do? You have answers to all my problems. Help me please." He mumbled, appearing lost in the sea of helplessness.

"Your mind has restrained your progress. Free your thoughts from those shackles of self pity. You thoughts make you feel that everyone is sympathizing with you but in reality everyone is proud of you. You should be proud of yourself , how much you've evolved as a person. Armaan you've nothing to lose so just try once, giving your best shot and I know nobody can even fathom your pain and I'm sorry that you've to go through all this. Everyone is trying their best, for you, so give this life a chance, for no one else but for your own, please. You attempted suicide and failed so just attempt this different path of freedom too where in the end you'll become the reason of your parents' smile and happiness. Maybe you won't fail.."