Chapter Sixty Nine

“He was four at the time,” Nikolai’s voice had gone fainter the more time passed, and I could feel how much it hurt him to tell me this.

“I had allowed her to travel in the dead of the night with my four-year-old son simply because I was angry.” He laughed bitterly. “I threw her out and then went down to drown myself in alcohol and while she was getting attacked by rogues, I was probably asleep.”

His red-rimmed eyes met mine. “Do you know what that means, Natalie? While Ada and my son were being attacked, my drunk ass was lying on the cold, basement floor passed out because I had gotten my stupid, inconsequential feelings hurt!”

I knew more than anyone what it means to blame yourself for the death of someone you loved, and so I understood perfectly the pain Nikolai was suffering. I slid down on the floor next to him and wrapped my arm around his shoulder and allowed him to bury himself in the crook of my neck.

“I'm sorry,” I whispered.

“I blame myself for it constantly. So many times I’d imagined all of the different ways I should have reacted and my actual reaction remains the worst, there is no justification for me kicking her out, Natalie. I am a horrible person for that.”

I shook my head. “No, Nikolai, you are not. We are not perfect and you had been hurt that night, she’d said the most horrible things to you and it was natural for your reaction to be fury.”

He pulled away from me. “But she had apologized when she realized.” He exhaled. “Ada was… She could be psychotic sometimes and was prone to angry bursts and I knew this very well, she was in one of her episodes when she said that and…”

“And she hurt you deeply.” He was such a sweet man. I was coming to see that Nikolai beneath his hard exterior was a soft-hearted person who was also going through so much.

“She said things to you she shouldn't have said and there is no excuse for what she did, she meant every word she had said, and yes, kicking her out that night wasn't the best thing to do but you made me understand we are imperfect people and we are allowed to make mistakes too despite the responsibilities weighing heavily on us.”

But Nikolai didn't seem to be listening. “You don't get it, Natalie. I am responsible for this, I am just like the rogues who killed her, that night I had been unfeeling, and I… I wanted to kill her myself when she’d accused me of…” He shook his head and got up. “I am a bad person and I don't deserve happiness in any form, I was deluding myself these last weeks believing I could move past it and build a life with you, it's not what I deserve, not after what I did.”

“No!” I got up. “I won't have you quit on us because of something that happened in the past.”

“Can't you see? I am not good for you, I do not deserve you, I did something horrible and I need you to see that.”

He wasn't wrong. What Nikolai did wasn't something to be proud of, Ada would probably be alive today if he hadn't kicked her out that night and I could understand why her father would despise him for it and would be out to hurt him over it. I could understand why he would be beating himself over it too because not only did he lose the woman he loved, he also lost his son all because he’d been angry.

What happened that night was unfortunate and I understood why he’d kept it from me. Nikolai was embarrassed and hated himself for what he’d done and I doubted he would ever be able to forgive himself for it but I needed him to know I was with him regardless.

My decision to stand by my mate came without hesitation. In the last months, my feelings for him had veered from hate to love. I had come to know him, I’d come to understand and care for him, I’d come to see beyond the man most people knew and I’d come to love that man immensely.

There was still a tiny part of me that questioned my decision, the part that asked if out of anger one day Nikolai would kick me out too but I shoved it down and without having to be told; I knew that Nikolai had lived the last three years of his life in deep regrets of what had happened that night, he’d learned from it and I knew he wouldn't allow himself go down that road anymore.

It was a risk that I was taking but he was the man who’d shown me to his mother’s private space, the first person who’d actually listened to me, he’d stayed even though I tried multiple times to push him away. Nikolai was the only person who’d held me in his arms and allowed me to cry properly, allowing me to be vulnerable in his presence, and didn't leave me feeling stupid afterward.

I was going to help him forgive himself for what happened even if it was the last thing I did.

“I love you,” I said when I reached him. “And I want to teach you how to love yourself.”

I stroked his chin. “It's going to take us a long time because I'm also unlearning some things but I want to do it together. I want you to forgive yourself, I want us to forgive ourselves for things that were beyond our control and I want us to start again, Nikokai, and I want us to get it right this time.“

Tears gathered in his eyes. “You don't have…”

I wasn't going to listen to any opposing statements from him. “We are going to get Lyle back and you are properly going to be a father to him and make up for the missed years, make up for that night and you are going to heal slowly, both of us, and we’ll work on becoming the best version of ourselves so we can be the best parents to him.”

I could see the moment the weight was lifted from Nikolai. His shoulders sagged and relief flooded his eyes.

“Thank you, Natalie,” he whispered, his voice hoarse with emotions. “Thank you,”

I kissed him and I didn't stop kissing him with passion, a silent promise that I was here and I wasn't leaving.