Chapter 75: What do I Want?
Alicia
I woke up and saw that there was no one around me. I was on the sofa. I remembered I fell asleep after talking to Asher.
I was quite sad and quite happy. Sad because I wasn’t exactly sure what was on his mind, and happy because I guess, he realised his mistake. Sad also because I don’t know the sudden change in Alistair.
Oh hell. I am getting married to Asher and still thinking about Alistair.
I wish I could have a way to know what happened to Alistair. Why did he go like that? He said he loved me. He asked me to not doubt it. Yeah I am not doubting it. But tell me the reason, Alistair, letting you go like this is killing me…
I know how wrong it was to think about Alistair right now. But it seemed as if without him, this all would not be so good. I mean, I… I love him and…. I mean, I don’t know what I feel anymore.
I love Alistair. What I feel for him is different and magical. However, Asher… he… he made me feel good too.
How does one know if it is love or infatuation? I don’t know but I wanna know who I really love!
But I do know one thing. I hated Asher when he told me he was gonna hurt me. I never hated Alistair even after his yelling and all the arguments we had. Does that make any sense, that I think Alistair means more to me?
I don’t know how wrong it is to think this! But I have this feeling inside of me that this isn’t right. Whatever is happening.
I know what I think. And I feel so bad about it.
I think that I used… Asher to get over Alistair. I don’t wanna admit it. I don’t know for sure either but I think I did it. I used him.
I shrugged my thoughts. Whatever the case was, I am not gonna think over that. I am marrying him. And if I don’t love him, then I have to fall for him no matter what. Because, I know he is the only one who is gonna be in my life forever. I mean, I would love to be with Alistair but he can't be with me, for reasons unknown! So I can just take what I can get…
It is not like I don’t like him at all, I of course do, but I think that it is not love and I know that I can’t make myself love someone like this but I don’t see a way.
I know I should cancel the wedding but what if he gets angry and changes his mind again?
So I guess I will just have to do what he says pretending like I wanna do it.
It is worse.
I went here and there to look for him but then my phone rang. I picked it up.
“Hello?”
“Hey Alicia. It’s me” I heard Asher’s voice.
“Asher?”
“Yeah”
“Where are you?”
“I went to confirm all the arrangements are done”
“Oh” I sighed. He looks excited. I don’t know what is inside his mind, but I know that if he is lying, then I am dead. I will be in his hell and I will literally be treated so badly because he looks like that type who can go to any limits.
And if he is telling the truth, I feel bad for him. Because I am not sure if I really love him. Because when we don’t love someone, there is a risk that one day we would stop liking them at all.
I knew both the ways, this was completely wrong and I should stop. I should search for a reason to at least postpone the marriage and figure out my feelings. But there seemed to be no way.
“Hello!!!”
I came back to my reality with his almost-yelling voice. Oh Shit, I got lost in my thoughts again. Nowadays this happens a lot!
“Oh sorry”
“Where are you lost? Is everything fine?”
“Yeah it is” I sighed. I can’t do anything now, I should just go with the flow I think.
“Okay”
“Hmm”
“So, I am gonna return in a few minutes”
“I am waiting”
“You seem off… is something wrong?”
Uh. Why is he caring so much? He should be rude like before so that I can easily walk away if I want to!
I have noticed this! Most people act so good when we have to say something that would hurt them.
And I know that makes exactly no sense because they don’t know that they’re gonna be hurt.
“Nothing happened, Asher” I fake laughed. “You are worrying for nothing”
“I know something’s off. We’ll deal with it after I come, okay?”
“Huh, it is nothing”
“We’ll see, baby. Bye for now”
I blushed. “B-bye”
The call ended. Oh he is acting like a complete angel right now. Oh these boys really are out of our understanding.
He is talking to me so sweetly and he just made me more confused about what I want. Should I really go fight for what I think I want or maybe I would just fall for him.
Oh God, I need your help!