Chapter 16
I've packed my luggage. Tomorrow I'll be going with my daughter to a field trip organized by the kindergarten.
The teacher sent me the activity details and tentatively asked why my daughter's dad wasn't joining us. I said Levi was busy.
The kindergarten signed a confidentiality agreement with Levi about me being Celestia's mom, and recently, the news about him and Jessa has reached the teacher's ears, too.
I guess she's curious and probably wants to know if Levi and I are having marriage problems.
But my thinking is simple - I just feel that as a father, Levi should participate in more activities like this.
The one and only time Levi told me he took Celestia to a summer camp, it turned out he brought her to learn piano with Jessa. Once was enough for that kind of activity.
I went downstairs for coffee. Indigo was rushing around making it.
"Not ready yet?"
"Sorry, Mrs. Morgan. I was just tidying up the guest room. Mr. Morgan called to say I should hurry up and get it ready, so I got delayed."
Indigo looked embarrassed. She knew I rarely bothered her with things I could handle myself.
"It's okay."
I glanced toward the guest room. Since we got married, no one had ever stayed there.
"Are we having guests?"
Indigo shook her head. "I don't know either. Mr. Morgan just told me to clean it up."
I became alert. Levi and I have a secret marriage. Aiden agreed to his request for my happiness back then. Apart from Jessa's last visit, no one else has been to our home.
"Just cleaning?"
"And stocking up on daily necessities."
So someone's planning to stay for a while?
Who could it be?
Indigo asked quietly, "Mrs. Morgan, have you and Mr. Morgan not been getting along lately?"
Even outsiders could see it clearly. Indigo was very good at keeping boundaries. Maybe she was just concerned about me, asking about my private matters.
"Same as always."
Indigo wrung her hands. "Mrs. Morgan, you're already good enough. I've seen it all these years. Honestly, marrying into a family like this and doing everything yourself is really rare."
"Mr. Morgan can be cold sometimes, but when it comes to the child, he's always thought you did a great job."
I felt a wave of bitterness. In my heart, compared to being a good mother to Celestia, I once hoped that Levi could love me even half as much as I loved him.
When it comes to parenting, Levi's approval just means he thinks I'm suitable as a mom.
But who's naturally suited to be a mom? Like me now, wanting to leave him, but someone calls me mom, so I can't make decisions lightly.
I know he doesn't love me.
But Celestia is already six years old. She knows she has a dad who loves her very much, so if we divorce, she'll lose one of us.
Those who say they can still be good parents after separating - at least I can't agree with that. Adults separating is fundamentally cruel to the child.
But just dragging on in this empty marriage won't work either. I need to pretend all the time. If I lose control of my emotions, an unhappy mom isn't good for the child's growth either.
So either choice has drawbacks.
"Indigo, while I'm away this week, let me know if anything happens at home."
"Don't worry, Mrs. Morgan. You're a good person. That Miss Greer, who came last time, when she was dating Mr. Morgan before, I already thought she was too calculating."
I smiled. The calculating person got Levi's true heart.
Indigo brought the coffee to my reading table. "Mrs. Morgan, actually, Mrs. Natalia Morgan doesn't dislike you. You know, she and Mrs. Greer often meet up, and what she hears has been twisted through several versions."
"Yeah, we don't live together. Except for family dinners, we hardly see each other."
A mother who could raise Levi to be so excellent must be good, too. She only cares about her son's feelings, so I can understand her being lukewarm toward me all these years.
"Lately, Ms. Cleo Morgan hasn't been asking you to help with her kids."
I thought about the unpleasant parting with Cleo last time. I guess she won't dare bother me anymore.
"Yeah."
Indigo looked embarrassed. "I'm being a bit nosy."
"Don't say that. I don't have a mom anymore. You're the only close person I have. Please don't be formal with me. I still need your help with the house."
These past few years, Indigo has managed the house perfectly. Many times she's made me feel like family. The peace of mind she gives me is more than what Levi gives.
Indigo's eyes reddened. She turned away.
"I'll read for a bit. No rush on dinner. You rest too."
"Okay, Mrs. Morgan."
I appeared calm on the surface, but my heart was already turbulent. If I asked more questions, maybe Indigo could use her experience to figure out who was about to come to my home.
Maybe Indigo knew, she just didn't want to make me sad.
My sixth sense told me something was about to happen again.
Levi asked me to go out with the child, and someone was coming to the house. Given Levi's sense of boundaries, that person could only be Jessa. I couldn't think of anyone else.
Jessa just needs to act cute, and Levi accepts everything.
Dinner was just Celestia and me. Levi came home at eleven.
After I put Celestia to bed, I went back to my room to rest early.
But I just couldn't fall asleep.
He slowly pushed open the door, without turning on the light.
I could hear him taking off his clothes, very quietly. Was he worried about waking me?
I could feel him slowly lie down, right beside my pillow.
He doesn't love me, yet night after night he lies beside my pillow. Six years now. I really find it funny. If he's pretending to be a loving husband for Celestia's sake, then he's doing a great job.
"Are we having guests?"
Levi froze. I felt his surprise. Was he surprised I wasn't asleep, or surprised by my sudden question?
A faint sound of turning over - he had his back to me. "Yeah."
"Is it her?"
Only a foolish woman would ask such mood-killing questions. I know whatever I do now will disgust him. He never had feelings for me anyway.
"Sleep. You and Celestia are leaving tomorrow."
Maybe it was my imagination, but tonight Levi's tone had a hint of warmth. But guilty men temporarily offer sweet words, don't they?
His non-answer was the answer.
"You still love her, don't you?"
My nerves were tense. I wanted to know his feelings. In these six years, I'd never asked him anything. I just lived going with the flow, living with him at the center.
Levi remained silent.
All night, he didn't speak again.
I couldn't hear his light snoring in deep sleep. Until dawn, I secretly looked at his face. He seemed asleep, yet also awake.
I tiptoed to wake my daughter. We got dressed and washed up. Levi didn't arrange a driver for us. Indigo said the driver came early in the morning and delivered two suitcases to the guest room.
I haven't even left yet, and someone can't wait to come...