Chapter 53 - Resolutions

Najmah blinked, staring at the door of her room expectantly. She had no idea what she was expecting but deep down, Najmah knew it wasn't a what but a who but after how she treated him, he wouldn't be bursting through that door not then not ever.

Was she foolish to take such a decision after coming to terms with her feelings for him? It was getting hard for her to make a decision.

I hate you.

I love you.

I want you.

I need you.

I can't stand you.

You complete me.

She was still indecisive and direction-less without him. The night she had pushed him away, she had slept peacefully. The second night, she had a nervous breakdown and couldn't sleep. The third night was worse. Her indecisiveness had taken a toll on her, and she couldn't stop thinking about all the memories they had shared together.

She needed someone to talk to, but she wasn't on speaking terms with her mother since their little run in, but it was okay, she had no idea from where to start. Hanifa was the right person to talk to, but she wasn't sure if she wanted to talk to her, Aslan was who she needed.

Najmah couldn't sleep, eat, nor function properly, only depending on a pack of cookies and granola bars to gain strength. Now, she knew what to do to get it done and over with, she just hoped she wasn't late already.

{••}

"Why are we here?" Abba questioned, directing his gaze to Najmah who stood in the middle of the living room, holding empty bottles of pills.

He was as clueless as to the other people occupying the living room, all eager to know why she had called them there and what she needed to say. After her episode three days ago, she had locked herself up in her room and denied anyone access.

They had questions, but everyone restrained themselves, allowing her the chance to come clean about what had occurred. Hanifa had refused to utter a word about it and Aslan who had rushed up to her room had come out minutes later with a forlorn expression. He had apologized to Hajiya Salma and walked out of the house without another word.

"Abba, Ummita, Yaa Umar, the reason why I called you all here is because I have something to tell you," her gaze flickered to Hanifa who nodded at her and gave her a thumbs up, attempting to rise from her seating position.

"It's okay, I got it," Najmah nodded, dropping the empty bottles on the coffee table she had kept beside the sofa her parents were sitting on. "These are antidepressants and antianxiety drugs I've been taken since I was 16. I found out I had a mental disorder, which is the causative root for some of my unusual behaviors when I was 14 and I had been receiving psychiatric care since then until a week ago. Anxiety and depression are one of the symptoms and my moods or phases as you call them Ummita are part of them.

I had not wanted to tell you about this but after my talk with Fahad also a week ago, I realized that it was unfair on my part to keep you in the dark for so long. I was scared you would think I was crazy and confine me to a mental asylum hence the reason for my silence. I wasn't able to keep it a secret for long, it kept eating at me until I met Adda, she was the answer to my prayers. I swore her to secrecy when I told her because at that time, she was the only person I could trust.

I was scared either of you would judge or criticize me for having such a mental condition. Ummita, time and again I had tried to talk to you about it, but you never gave me a chance. I couldn't come and talk to you freely about my condition because you always criticized me for being uncaring and antisocial. Abba wasn't around, and so was Yaa Umar, I was left alone to fight my demons.

But anyway, that's all in the past. I'm fine now, as fine as I could ever be. That is all that I have to say, thank you for listening to me."

When she was done talking, she walked out of the living room, leaving her parents and brother in shock.

Hajiya Salma was more mortified than shocked, she had been negligent to the needs of her daughter. What kind of a mother was she? How could she have not been able to detect the despair behind her daughter's eyes? How was she unable to see the pain her daughter was in? How could she call herself Najmah's mother when she wasn't there for her when she needed her the most? She had always suspected Najmah's unusual moods, but she could never imagine it was that deep.

Hanifa stood up and followed Najmah up to her room, knowing that the Harouns needed to be alone in other to absorb what Najmah had told them.

It wasn't easy to keep such a massive secret from her in-laws and especially her husband because she shared everything with him, but now that the cat was out of the bag, she was able to breathe freely again; the weight of the secret had been lifted from her shoulders.

{••}

"What you did back then was brave," Hanifa wrapped her arms around Najmah, engulfing her into a bear hug. "I am really proud of you Najmah."

"I should feel better after telling them right?" she questioned, biting her lower lip. "But I don't. The weight of the secret has been lifted, giving way to another set of uneasiness. What if they judge me or what if they think I'm crazy and throw me into a loony bin?"

"Don't be dramatic," Hanifa punched her playfully, forcing a smile on her face. "They will do no such thing. They're your family, and they will accept you. No loony bins okay?"

"Okay."

"Now how about some mood lifters, huh? After that long speech you gave, I'm sure you'd need some. What do you say, hmm? Sugar rush?"

"Sugar rush," Najmah nodded, the corners of her lips lifting up into a halfhearted smile. "What do you have for me?"

"Snickers, bounty, Haribo, skittles, maltesers, M&M..." she trailed off, picking out said items from her bag and placing them on the bed.

"Adda Hanifa have I ever told you this? You're the best," Najmah grinned wildly, tearing open the package of maltesers.

"No need to tell me what I already know," Hanifa smirked, throwing a handful of m&m into her mouth.

"You're so full of yourself," Najmah shook her head smiling.

The knock on the door interrupted their interaction, and they both turned towards it curiously, Najmah's heart beat increasing by the seconds.

"Hanifa can you leave us alone?" Hajiya Salma questioned, coming to stand by the foot of the bed.

"Of course," she scrambled to her feet and left the bedroom after shooting Najmah a thumbs up behind Hajiya Salma's back.

{••}

"I don't know where to start from Najmah, I have been such a bad mother to you. I didn't know what you were going through and I didn't give you a chance to tell me. I don't even know what I was thinking, but I want you to know that from now on, I will never shun you away when you need me. I will be the mother that you deserve and I will neither criticise nor judge you for your condition. You are my daughter, Najmah, and I love you.

Being mentally ill will never stop me from loving you. I made a mistake when I kept you at arm's length and never let you feel the love that I have for you but know this, I will never ever leave nor abandon you. I am sor-"

"Do not apologize to me, Ummita," she shook her head, throwing her arms around her. "What kind of a daughter am I if I make you apologize to me? What kind of a daughter will I be if I let you say those words?"

"I have wronged you Najmah and I have to..."

"Knowing is enough, you don't have to apologize to me, I am content with that. It's all in the past now, there's no reason for an apology. Please do not apologize to me, I'm the one who needs to apologize for keeping you in the dark. I am so sorry, Ummita."

"It's okay, Najmah," she patted her head softly. "There's no need for apologies. We both erred, and now, all we have to do is make up for our mistakes."

Najmah rested her head on her mother's laps, ticking yet another task on her imaginary list of things she had to get done. The last and the most gruesome yet beautiful part of her list was something she dreaded but knew she had to get done, but for that moment, she would enjoy the presence of her mother.

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