Chapter 41- Don’t Let Me Go
Thick silence descended upon them like a curtain, blanketing the atmosphere with its eerie presence. Najmah pushed off the door frame and advanced towards him with hesitant steps, her mind muddled with the events of the last few hours, unable to comprehend what he had just uttered.
"What did you say?" she came to stand beside him, raising a hand to cradle his face but he inched away from her, leaving her hand hanging in the air.
"I want you to leave Najmah," he enunciated, looking at anywhere but her.
"What do you mean leave? Leave the room? Leave the house? Leave Istanbul?"
"Istanbul."
"What? Aslan, what is going on? You're scaring me. Why are you talking like this? Why would you ask me to leave? Aren't we supposed to leave Istanbul together tomorrow?"
"There is no us Najmah. I need you to leave, I do not want you here anymore."
"Have I become a burden to you Aslan?" she questioned calmly, taking a step back. "I warned you, Aslan. I told you to leave things the way they were. I told you that things wouldn't work out between us but you...you made me believe that it would and for the first time in my life, you gave me hope; hope that I would be able to have a bright future. You turned my fantasy into reality, so tell me, Aslan, what changed? Why are you doing this?"
"Maybe I am tired," he shrugged, crossing his arms on his chest and meeting her gaze dead on. "I am tired of dealing with a psychopathic person like you."
"Aslan?" she gasped, her eyes beginning to moisture. How could he? How could he call her a psychopath? What has gotten into him? "Are you okay? What are you saying?"
"I am tired of being in the same room with a psychopath like you. Every night I go to bed, I fear for my life. I don't know what you will do to me in my sleep. I always slept with an eye open, wondering if you would kill me in my sleep when I provoke you."
"Stop it!" she croaked, placing her hand on her ears to block out his words. "Stop talking!"
"You always thrash my room when you get angry and I always wonder what you would attack next if you are done attacking my room. Would it be me or Lale or my parents or Hilal even? I always fear for Afet's safety when you're around her because of your hatred for her wondering if you would kill her like you threatened to do months back when she provoked you. I had to pretend to have feelings for you so I could keep my family safe."
"Aslan you know me," she choked on her tears, not believing what she was hearing. "I'd never hurt anyone. You know..."
"I do know you, maybe you are the one who doesn't know yourself. You are a psychopath capable of inflicting pain on others. You have no real emotions so you pretend to do, just like a sociopath. That is who you are Najmah Haroun, a socio-psychotic person."
"Aslan please stop talking!" she pleaded, tears streaming down her face as she moved backwards, shaking her head to rid herself of his words. "It hurts Aslan! Please stop it!"
"Where does it hurt, huh?" he mocked, inching closer to her as her body hit the wall. He placed both arms over her head, caging her in. Gone was the loving and thoughtful Aslan she knew and in his absence was replaced by a sinister and cynical person.
"Does it hurt here?" he smiled, placing his hand over her heart. "So you do have a heart. I thought you were incapable of human emotions or are you still going to pretend that you do?"
"Why are you doing this to me Aslan? Why now? What have I done to you to deserve such treatment? I never mistreated you nor offended you. I never hurt anyone, so why are you doing this to me? I thought you cared about me."
"Shh!" he placed a hand on his lips, tracing his other hand across her face with a wicked smile. "There is no use crying your crocodile tears. Isn't this what you have always wanted? To gain your freedom? So go on Najmah. I am giving you your freedom back, I am setting you free."
"Please Aslan," she wrapped her arms around his frame, burying her face in his chest. "Don't do this to us. I'll do anything you ask of me just please don't make me leave. I don't wanna leave you Aslan, please don't make me. I beg of you!"
"Najmah," he unwrapped her arms from around him, taking a couple inches back. "I don't want you here. Not anymore."
Najmah shook her head, placing a hand over her aching chest as she stared into the pool of obsidians that always provided safety and love for her. What she saw made her still with fear, going over the details of their conversation.
'What went wrong?' Gone were those emotions she always saw when she looked into them, all she could see now was the desperate longing for him to be away from her. In his eyes, she saw hatred and anger, but could he despise her so? What could have gone wrong between her hospitalisation and then?
"I want you to look me in the eye and tell me that you don't care about me, that everything was just a lie."
"I do not care about you,Najmah," he stared deeply into her eyes. " I despise you, I want you gone from my life."
"Then, divorce me."
He stilled, weighing the words on his tongue. Could he push through with that?
"Come on Aslan say the words," she taunted, wiping her tears. "Free me from our bonds. Say those words and then you and I will no longer be tied together. You would be free of me forever."
Najmah waited for him to talk but he stayed mute, pocketing his hands in his trousers. 'He wouldn't say the words, he wouldn't. He cares about me, he wouldn't divorce me. He can't divorce me.' But as she repeated those words in her head, she felt something tug at the back of her subconscious; would he really not?
His next words almost had her crumble to her feet as she felt her whole world collapse before her. She nodded, swiping at her face and wordlessly, she walked towards her luggage, feeling a turmoil rise in her heart.
Every sound felt amplified to her ears as air seized from her lungs and with each passing second, the hammering in her chest increased like the tempo of a beaten drum.
"I never thought you'd do this to me. Your decision...it hurts," Najmah shook her head, smiling painfully. "This hurts me, you know. It hurts me and as you begin to see reason, as the memories come rushing down to you, as you feel the weight of your decision loom over your head, that's what I want you to remember; that you hurt me."
He sighed deeply before turning around wordlessly and left the room. The receding sound of his footsteps felt so far away as she began to feel detached from her own skin. She could have called out for him, scream out her frustration or thrash the whole room, but she did neither. Instead, she sat down on the floor and stared unblinkingly into space, her tears flowing freely down her face.
Najmah should have seen it coming. She should have known that Aslan was just pretending, that he never cared for her. She was the one who had mixed her fantasy with reality and now here she was, suffering the brunt of her decision.
Najmah never should have believed that he was okay with her mental condition. Was it wrong for people with her affliction to think that they could have a happily ever after? Was it such a taboo for people with her condition to turn their fantasy into reality?
Everything came back to her in a rush and for the first time in a while, she felt like she was watching the scenes unfold from a distance. Her body was physically there, but mentally, she was somewhere else in the universe.
The feeling of detachment and futility was not alien to her and she welcomed it with open arms, stuffing any valuable object she had travelled to Istanbul with.
That was it, the end of it all. Aslan already made his choice and Najmah would make hers then. She wouldn't cry anymore, no man was worth wasting her tears over, especially not a pathetic excuse of a man like Aslan. She was going to live through this, she had to be strong; it wasn't the end of the world.
Najmah's heart was breaking but wasn't that what she had fervently prayed for? To love so deep that she wouldn't be able to breath when that love was taken away from her, to feel the intense pain of a heartbreak. And right then, she wished she had never asked for such emotions; love was as intoxicating as it was suffocating and heartbreak, heartbreak was an emotional phase she would never want her enemy to go through. Was this how Afet felt when Aslan left her? The irony of their situation; he left Afet for her and now, he has left her too.
She pulled on her trenchcoat then wrapped a veil on her head before slipping her feet into a pair of slippers, grabbing her phone and laptop. All her actions felt mechanical as she stepped out of the room and surveyed the hallway, to make sure no one was there to stop her.
Decision made, she ran out of the house with only a small duffel bag as she abandoned the rest of her stuff in his room. Packing them would take a while and she couldn't take that risk. Aslan could come back and meet her; maybe then whatever he had taken would have been out of his system and he would realise what he had done, but she wouldn't wait for him. He asked her to leave, she would grant his wish and she'd be damned if she ever returned. He let her go and leave, she would.
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