Chapter XLIX-3

"Keep them safe, please." I spoke slowly, noticing how she slightly nodded her head.. The cold glare behind her eyes made her seem like she was barely even hearing me, but it was still somewhat better than before. "Half of our men will guard you, I made sure of it." She gulped.. Scanned my face. "That le Boursier.. Christian.." I watched how she frowned while her mention of Christian's name had me holding my breath for a second. "If he doesn't keep you safe, I will kill him myself." And that was the way my mother was and always had been.. Vulnerable one moment, grieving the next, angry and ready to kill for her family another.. Shock and worry were always a quick pass for her. But perhaps I had gotten it from her, that appetite for revenge.. From my father too. It was in our blood.. Running through or veins.. In all of our nature. Family meant everything. Of course she would threaten Christian's life now that she knew he was determined to keep me safe due to the deal he made with my father while he was alive.. However, there was not really a deal or threats, but Christian's true will to protect me. And she had to know that.. So I told her the truth. "He's willing to give his life for me, as I am mine, for him." Somehow, my gaze couldn't meet hers, because I knew what reaction to expect, but it was all honesty I said.. And I knew she was scanning me, analyzing me, processing my words with that grand question whether or not she understood me well.. But she did. She knew she heard me right.. And when I felt her pull her hands away from mine, that sharp inhale, I looked back, and saw that shock behind her eyes.. "No,-" My eyes closed for only a second as I rose to my feet, but then looked at her when I spoke.. "I love him." I took a step back, feeling my heart tightening.. If only my father heard, he would've been furious not shocked.. Yet somehow I wished he didn't leave being lied to.. It was the least I could do, but he was gone before I could do it.. And with a heavy gulp, that familiar lump in my throat, I still repeated. "I'll do anything for him." She rose her hand. "Stop," Standing up from the armchair, she preformed the kind of turn that showed clear panic, but still she didn't say anything else, because she knew.. She knew there was something going on.. She always knew there was a reason why Christian saved my life.. So many times. And that reason wasn't the deal he had made with my father.. "It's not up to me, mom." I managed, inhaling, struggling with that breath. Admitting my love for him wasn't the hard part.. It was the convincing I had to do that wasn't guaranteed. "It almost killed your father when he-" She had her hand over her chest, turning to look at me yet still looked around the room.. "When he found out his Amelia," I followed how she ran her hands through her hair, and finally looked at me.. "Lana, don't have your father turning in his grave." He wasn't in a grave yet, but that was not the point. I knew what she meant.. She thought I was about to do something stupid. Little did she know, that 'stupidity' had passed a long time ago. I had been with Christian far longer than she thought.. And what I had with him wasn't stupid, it was rather compelling enough to keep me sane during all the things that went down. I couldn't imagine what I would've done, what would've happened if it wasn't for him. "On some level, he knew.. He knew it would happen.." I tried, once again, finding my voice through my dry throat.. "Times have changed, our worlds have united," "You know nothing, Lana," She cut me off with a sharp tone, yet kept her peace because she found it disrespectful to yell in front of my father.. Even now that he was dead. And the simple thought brought the kind of pressure and pain in my chest that had me closing my eyes.. That had me regretting ever admitting it to her, yet I still stayed true to my words. "I know I love him. And I will stick to that." I walked towards her, "Trust me, please." The look behind her eyes surprised me.. She seemed to be at least somewhat trying to understand me.. I took her hands again. And she allowed me. "I will revenge my father. Let them help me do it, and keep my brothers safe." I knew I spoke sharply from the anger that the thought of vengeance built, but I was determined to do it. "Keep yourself safe." She blinked so slightly, only enough for that tear to escape down her face. It hurt me seeing her cry. My mother never cried. But the feel of her grip around my hands too, tightening in a way of support let me know that she at least somewhat understood.. Or she tried to. My chest fell in that heavy release of breath, yet I felt no relief. "We all need you more than ever. That's all I'm asking for. Keep things in control here, and don't worry about me. I have the whole of Moondale and Venedocia keeping my back." And I spoke the truth.. But it was all too harsh for me.. It was all too harsh for all of us. We lost the pillar that held our family together. And the least we could do is give some justice to it. "I'm ready for this." And to my words, I saw how her expression softened.. How she no longer held back her tears, her seriousness.. How that coldness disappeared, and how she scanned me so quickly, I could barely follow.. Her face was pale, she had dark circles underneath her eyes and her nose and lips were red from crying.. But there was sudden understanding behind her expression.. And to my loss of senses, to my focus on my own words, so much that I lost awareness of reality, all I knew was the next second, I was pulled towards her, pulled into one tight hug that brought such a relief in my chest.. To know I had at least one of my own on my side, accepting it, not only Christian and I, but the plan for that night.. It meant everything to me. It gave me that kind of weight-lift, erasing at least a part of the pressure I was feeling for the past few days.. It seemed like that was the moment I truly inhaled.. Or at least the moment the air managed to reach my lungs.. And yes, I had lost all tears to cry, but in that moment, one escaped me.. Her hug was one of meaning, one that could be the last, and I couldn't help but remember those times when I was just a little girl.. She had hugged me the same way when my father's requests overwhelmed me.. I just wished that was my only problem again.. I wished.. I wished he was simply there to hear it, to see it, and help me take care of it. I needed him like never before.