Chapter 118

I heard her footsteps before I saw her. I didn’t know when I had learnt what her footsteps sounded like. But I had and when I heard them I turned around and I saw her walking towards her door. She was carrying a bag of groceries and my legs moved on their own. I registered the surprised look on her face as she saw me, the small, uncertain smile that followed and then I had taken the bag out of her hand and pulled her into a hug.

“Thank god you’re safe,” I mumbled into her hair. I felt her arms hesitantly close around me and I wanted her to hug me tighter.

“Hunter?” she asked.

“I’m sorry. I know I shouldn’t be hugging you like this. Just give me one moment,” I said.

“It’s okay, take your time. Has something happened?” she asked as she rubbed my back in soothing circles.

“I’ve been a complete and utter idiot. But that is nothing new,” I said and released her. I took a step back, still holding her bag. “I know I haven’t earned it, but can I come up and talk to you? Or I can wait down here and when you are ready, can we go get coffee somewhere?” I asked.

“It’s a definite no on the coffee, I can’t stand the smell of it,” she told me with a smile. I should have known that. “But of course you can come upstairs. Come on, I think there is something I’m missing. You look devastated. Are you sure everything is alright?” she asked. I let the warmth that Hana’s consideration always gave, wash over me.

“I’m sure. I will explain everything.” She greeted the doorman as we walked past, and he smiled at me. We didn’t talk in the elevator and I was trying my best to come up with how I was going to tell her everything. I couldn’t believe I had run around half the city and hadn’t thought about what I would do when I found her. She unlocked the door and a knot I didn't know I had carried around, loosened up as I walked inside her apartment. I headed for the kitchen as I was still holding her grocery bag. Cuddles came running, he was almost screaming as he rubbed against my legs.

“Hey there buddy,” I said and scratched him behind the ears in the way he always loved.

“He has missed you,” Hana said. She was smiling at me and the cat, but her smile didn’t reach her eyes.

“I have missed him as well,” I told her and gave into the cat and scooped him up with my free hand. Hana giggled as he did his best to try to crawl into the neck of my shirt. “Hey, hey. You are going to strangle me and you will end up getting stuck,” I told him and placed him on the floor again. I took the bag and started placing the things on the counter. Hana took them and put them away. It almost felt like the good old times. When the last thing was put away she turned to me.

“So?” she asked.

“Right. I am sorry, Hana. I know that is not enough, but I truly am sorry for all of this mess. It’s all my fault. I should be too old for this shit, but apparently I’m not. I got scared of repeating the past and I was scared that if I did, I wouldn’t be able to clean up like I did this time. But I was an idiot. Because nothing is like it was back then. I’m not the same person I was and you. You, Hana, are nothing like Mandy. You are so much better in every way. I should have known that with you, everything would be better.”

“What are you saying?” she asked. She had crossed her arms in front of her and taken a step back. I slowly reached for her and she let me take a hold of her hands.

“I don’t want to pretend that this isn’t happening. I don’t want to pretend that I don’t crave you every moment of my life and that when you told me you were carrying my child that I didn’t feel a wave of joy,” I told her.

“Hunter. I was there. What you felt wasn’t joy,” she objected.

“It was. My first feeling was joy. I haven’t felt so much joy since the day Simon was born. But I didn’t realise that was what I felt as it was overrun by my fear. I’m so, so sorry for reacting the way I did, sweetness. I can never take the moment back, even though I wish I could with all of my heart.”

“Have you been talking with Jason?” she asked.

“We talked yesterday, and briefly today. Oh, right. I might have scared your new employee, Mary?” I said. Hana’s eyes grew big.

“You did what?” she said, pulling one of her hands out of mine and slapping my shoulder with it.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to. I came looking for you and maybe I came on a little too strongly. I didn’t mean to. But she got Jason on the phone and he barked at me until I left. How did she get his number?” I asked. Hana was smiling one of her true smiles.

“He did? Oh I made them exchange numbers, just to be on the safe side. If something were to happen,” she told me.

“You did? What are you planning?” I asked.

“Nothing,” she said. But she was lying. I chuckled and wondered what Hana had in mind for Jason and if I should warn him, or sit back and watch.

“So you know, I also called Wictor. He told me you were at your doctor's appointment. I’m sorry you had to go there alone,” I told her.

“It’s okay. It wasn’t that exciting. They took a blood sample, they confirmed I am pregnant and gave some prescriptions for vitamins and we set up the next appointment,” she told me.

“Everything was okay?” I asked.

“It was. Both the baby and I are healthy,” she told me.

“The baby,” I said in almost a whisper. I felt my heart do its little double take.

“Are you tearing up?” She asked, cupping my cheek and rubbing her thumb through my beard.

“Maybe,” I told her. She looked into my eyes and she was searching for something. I didn’t know what, but I let her search.

“Are you doing this because Jason nagged a hole in your head?” she asked. I smiled at her and cleared my throat.

“No, sweetness. I’m here because I realised what an enormous mistake I made and because I hope with all my heart I’m not too late to fix it. My demons told me I didn’t have a right to be happy, that I didn’t deserve to get the dream I always wanted. And like an idiot I listened to them. But they are wrong, and so was I. I love you, Hana. I have been obsessed with you from the moment you fell into me. And I love our baby, I want them. I want a family with you, I want it all,” I told her. She had tears in her eyes and it broke my heart.

“You can’t do this again, Hunter. If I believe you and let you into my life, you can’t change your mind again. We have a child to think about and I can’t handle losing you again. It almost broke me this time. I can’t do it all over again,” she told me and broke my heart all over.

“I won’t. I swear to you. I will never let you go. Not you and not our baby. I can’t promise I won’t do something idiotic. I’m clearly prone to it. But I will never, ever, do something this idiotic again,” I promised her. She looked up at me with teary eyes and I knew that I would spend the rest of my life making sure she knew she was everything to me.

“And you are not scared of being a father?” she asked.

“Scared? Are you joking? I’m terrified. What if I can’t remember how to change a diaper? I’m going to be the oldest father on the softball team. I have forgotten all about algebra and if it’s a girl I’m going to fall to pieces when she starts to hate me in her teens,” I told her. She was smiling through her tears. “I’m still scared, but I’m more scared of losing the two of you.”

“I am still mad at you,” she told me.

“I know, and that is okay. Will you give me a new chance? We can start over and I will take you out on dates and woo you and anything else you want to do,” I told her.

“I will. I have missed you and I have wanted to share all of this baby stuff with you. I have never done this before. Do you know how much there is to think of? What if I make the wrong choice and screw everything up?” she sobbed. I had lost count of how many times she broke my heart. I pulled her into my arms.

“We will do everything together. I have done this before, but that was a long time ago. But we will figure it out. The most important thing is love. We will love this little one and we will make sure they are surrounded by people who love them,” I told her. She nodded and wrapped her arms around me and clung to me.

“Is it okay with you that we skip the date today? I have enough food from Chef to feed a small army and apparently he is bringing more next week. How about we eat dinner and stay in?” She asked. I smiled down at her.

“It sounds like the perfect date. Go and rest on the couch, I will fix dinner and bring it to you,” I told her and kissed the top of her head.

“Okay,” she agreed. I got the food heated in the microwave and opened the fridge to see what she had to drink.

“Sweetness?”

“Yes?”

“Why is there enough milk in here to make me believe you have a small dairy farm on your balcony?” I asked.

“Oh, right. I kind of crave it. I barely drink anything besides milk. The doctor said it was fine,” she called back. I smiled and poured her a tall glass of cold milk and I poured water for me. I served two bowls of chilli with nachos and sat down next to her on the couch. It felt right. I could finally breathe after months of trying to survive hour by hour.