Chapter 117

I haven't been able to sleep. Jason’s stupid voice kept me awake with irrelevant questions, and it didn’t stop even as I was sitting at my desk in the afternoon. Didn’t I love Hana? Of course I did. When she had asked me for lunch and I had seen her come walking, my breath was stolen from me by the need for her. So why was I acting like a two-year-old who had been told no for the first time? I rejected the idea. I was upset that this meant the end for me and Hana, that was all. And why was this the end? Wasn’t it the beginning? No. I refused to consider that. I had seen the hurt in Hana’s eyes at my reaction to the news. And that proved my point. I wasn’t even good enough of a father to be happy about the news of a child. My heart did that annoying thing it always did when I let myself think about the baby. My heart did the thing again. I rubbed my chest. Is that really the truth? The annoying voice in my head asked. Had my first instinct been fear?

“Fuck!” I exclaimed to no one. Against my will, I thought back to the moment Hana had told me she was pregnant. And there it was. A moment of utter joy at the idea of a child, of mine and Hana’s child. The only time I had felt anything like it was the day Simon was born. Then the fear came. My fear of not being enough. But why had I let the fear overpower the joy? I closed my eyes and for the first time I let my imagination take me to a place I hadn't gone in years. Back then I dreamed about a nice house with a kind woman and a herd of kids running around. Now the house was a lot more diffuse, but instead of a random woman, it was Hana that stood in the garden. It was her waist I put my arm around as I joined her and watched a little girl with her mother’s jet black hair running around chasing a butterfly together with a large, red cat. “Fuck.” This time it was a whisper. Why had it taken me this long to realise that I wanted that? “Fuck,” I said again and pulled my hair. I needed to talk to Hana. I had made such a fucking mess of everything. I just had to hope it wasn’t too late. I wouldn’t blame Hana if she never wanted to talk to me again.

“Heading out, don’t know when I’ll be back,” I told Clair as I rushed past her. I checked my watch and realised Hana would still be at the bakery. I tried to keep within the speed limit as I drove over. I didn’t need to get stopped. I needed to get to Hana. I parked as close as I could and jogged down the promenade to the bakery. I swung the door open and stepped inside. I stopped dead in my tracks as a strange woman stood behind the counter. She gave me a little smile. “Hana?” I said like an idiot.

“No, I’m Mary,” she corrected me.

“I know, I mean, where is Hana?” I asked, and I could hear the irritation in my voice.

“Who are you?” she asked. She took half a step back.

“I’m Hunter. I need to see Hana, where is she?” I asked, taking a step closer to her.

“S-stop right there,” she nervously said. I was in a hurry and I needed to get hold of Hana. But I didn’t want to frighten the poor woman. I held up my hands and took a step backwards.

“I just need you to tell me where Hana is,” I told her. Maybe she was in the back? “Hana!” I called out loudly. No answer. The woman, Mary, had taken out her phone and was calling someone.

“Hi, it’s Mary. Hana said I should call you if I felt unsafe. There is a man here asking for Hana. He seems really angry and I don’t know what to do.” I heard her tell the person on the other end. I tried to take several deep breaths to calm down. “Yes, that sounds like him,” she agreed. “Eh, excuse me. He wants to talk to you,” she then said to me and held out her phone. I slowly walked up to her and took the phone.

“Hello?” I asked.

“For fuck sake! Have you lost your fucking mind?!” Jason yelled at me from the other end. How had this Mary got hold of his number?

“What is going on?” I asked, confused.

“I should be the one asking you. Since when do you go around scaring defenceless women? I don’t care that you are going through a tough time. You better get away from Mary before you upset her further or I will kick your fucking baby ass once and for all. Hana would tear you a new one if she knew you had upset her new friend.”

“Okay, okay. I just need to know where Hana is,” I told him. I had never heard Jason being so protective of a woman before. It made me take a closer look at Mary. She was cute, not like Hana, but in a general way. Not really the type Jason usually flirted with. Interesting.

“I’m not going to tell you. Maybe I know, maybe I don’t. But get your ass out of the bakery, Hana isn’t there. Now give the phone back to Mary. I will stay on the line until you have left,” Jason told me.

“He wants to talk to you. I’m sorry for scaring you. It was not my intention, and I’ll leave you alone now,” I told Mary as I handed her the phone and walked out of the bakery. On my walk back to the car, I tried to think of where to go next. Was she at home? Maybe she was feeling tired and went home for a nap? I got back in my car and drove to her place.

“Mr Gardner. I’m sorry you are not allowed upstairs,” the door man told me. I stared at him.

“But you know who I am,” I said.

“I do. But I also know Miss Bishop took you off the pre-approved list a couple of weeks back,” he told me. I felt the urge to scream at him. I knew that if I had to, I could force my way past him. Then I sighed and collected myself. He was doing his job, this was why I had made sure Hana got a place here.

“Fine. Can you at least tell me if she is at home?” I asked him.

“No sir.”

“Fuck! Sorry, I appreciate you doing your job. I’m just… I will just leave. Please let Miss Bishop know I am looking for her,” I told him.

“Yes, sir.” I walked out of the building and stopped outside. What should I do? As the idiot that I am, I had totally forgotten that I was able to call Hana. I didn’t want to have this conversation over the phone. But at least I could let her know I wanted to meet her and she could tell me where she was. I called her. No answer. I called her again. No answer. I kept calling and for each time she didn’t pick up I got more desperate. Was she hurt? Had someone grabbed her? My whole being turned to ice when I thought about the Russians or the Chinese having her. I should go back to work, get the small tank, a rocket launcher or two and go on a visit to Aksakov. Again, I did my best to calm down.

“Wictor!” I shouted and an old lady glared at me like I was a mad man. It wasn’t far from the truth, I thought as I dialled his number. No answer. “Fuck my life!”

“Young man! Language!” the old woman exclaimed.

“Sorry, ma’am,” I mumbled and secretly enjoyed being called ‘young man’. I took a deep breath and called him again. On my sixth try he picked up.

“What? I’m at work. I wouldn’t have picked up at all if I didn’t think you were crazy enough to come here,” Wictor said. He sounded pissed. Well join the club.

“I can’t find Hana,” I said.

“Oh, so you are done ignoring her? I have nothing to say to you.”

“Fuck, Wictor. Please. I’ll beg if you want. I have tried everywhere, and called like a hundred times. If you know where she is, please, please tell me.” I heard a deep sigh.

“Fine. I’m doing this because it’s what my sister would like me to do. If it was up to me, I would let you rot in your own misery. She’s at the doctors,” he told me. Fear gripped me again.

“Is something wrong? Is she sick? Is it the baby? Why aren’t you with her? Why did you let her go alone?” I asked.

“Why did I not go with her? I’m sorry Mr ‘Big Sexy Silver Fox That Acts Like a Toddler’. I didn’t think it was my responsibility to make sure the mother of your child had someone to take her to the doctor appointments.” He sighed again. “She’s fine. It’s the first appointment to confirm the pregnancy and set up follow-up meetings. She insisted she go alone. I did try to persuade her. But she is almost as stubborn as you. She should be getting home any minute now. That’s all you’re going to get. I expect that you practise your begging until she gets home. I may be pissed at you right now, and if it wasn’t for the fact that you are freakishly fit I would have tried to whoop your ass for making Hana go through this on her own. But I do think the two of you make a good combo. So if she is willing to forgive you, so am I. But if she turns you down, I’m not saying a peep about it.”

“Thank you,” I said, but he had already hung up. All I could do was wait. At least I knew where she was and that she was okay. I thought about driving to the doctor. But I didn’t know which doctor and the chance that we would cross paths was too big. She shouldn’t be at the doctor's appointment by herself. Wictor was right. I should be there. I had messed everything up. I should have realised what I wanted far sooner. We wouldn’t have needed to split up. And when she found out she was pregnant, she could have told me in some cute way and we would have celebrated. I would have gone to every appointment with her. I would get her all the things she was craving, make sure she didn’t overtax herself, pamper her. Most of the things I could still do, if she would let me. But I would never get back this first appointment. It would always be a missed opportunity. I walked back and forth in front of her building.