Chapter 37 Jordan Asks and She Has to Think

Chapter 37 Jordan Asks and She Has to Think
Juni

The silence in Declan’s truck is getting heavy. It’s the kind of heavy that makes your ears pop if you don’t say something soon. I know exactly what is happening, and I think he knows I know, which makes the air feel even tighter.

"I know the next sentence," I want to say. I want to say it just to break the pressure. But I don't. I just sit there with my notebook open on my knees.

It is 4:00 PM on a Thursday. 

"The essay portfolio goes to the board by Friday," Declan says. He doesn't look at me. He looks at the steering wheel like it’s the most interesting thing in the world.

"How do you feel about it?" I ask.

"Ready."

"Ready like prepared?" I lean my head back against the seat. "Or ready like you’re done waiting for them to judge you?"

"Both," he says. He finally turns his head. His eyes are dark and they feel like they’re reading the fine print on my soul. "Both, Juni."

"Good," I whisper.

"The Osei situation is... there’s more to it," he says, shifting in his seat. "I’ll tell you when I’ve worked out what to do with it."

"Okay."

He pauses. He looks confused, like I missed a cue in a play. "You’re not going to ask? You’re not going to push me for the details?"

"You said you’ll tell me when you’re ready," I say. I mean it, too. "I trust that. I’m not the police, Declan."

He looks at me for a long time. It’s a very long moment. I can hear the engine ticking as it cools down. I can hear my own heart, which is being very loud and annoying.

"Okay," he says. He says it like he’s breathing out.

The session ends like that. We do the work, we talk about the chapters, but the "next sentence" stays inside his mouth. He doesn't say it. I don't ask for it.

I walk to my car and the air feels thin. I get inside, lock the doors, and check my phone. There is a text from Jordan.

Are you free Saturday night? it says. Not study group... actual dinner. If you want.

I read it twice. Then I read it a third time. I just sit there. Usually, when someone asks me for something, my brain just says yes. It’s a reflex. 

I think about Tyler. In junior year, he asked me out and I said yes before he even finished the sentence. I didn't even like Tyler. He smelled like old pennies and he talked over me. But I said yes because saying no felt like breaking a rule.

But I’m sitting here in this cold car and I’m not saying yes. I’m just looking at the screen. That feels like a problem. Or maybe it’s an answer.

I hit the call button for Bree. She picks up on the first ring.

"Jordan asked me to dinner," I say. No hello. No nothing.

"Actual dinner or 'hey I'm eating a taco come sit by me' dinner?" Bree asks.

"Actual dinner. He said 'not the study group.'"

"Oh," Bree says. "Wow. What did you say?"

"I haven't answered yet."

There is a long silence on the other end. I can hear Bree breathing. I can hear her TV in the background.

"Why not?" she asks.

"Because I have to think about it, Bree."

"Juni."

"What?"

"The fact that you have to think about it is the answer."

"I don't know what that means," I say, even though my stomach just dropped into my shoes. "He’s nice. He’s smart. He’s safe. It’s a dinner. People eat dinner."

"Juni," Bree says again. Her voice is soft now. "Stop being a student council secretary for five seconds. If you wanted to go, you would have said yes already. You wouldn't be sitting in a dark parking lot calling me."

"I want to be fair to him," I argue. "He’s been great. He asks real questions. He doesn't treat me like I’m invisible."

"I know. But fair to Jordan means knowing what you actually want. And you’re sitting in the parking lot after Declan’s session not knowing."

"That has nothing to do with it," I lie.

"Sure," Bree says. She doesn't believe me. "Call me when you stop lying to yourself. Love you. Bye."

She hangs up. I stare at the dashboard.

I stay there for twenty minutes. The sky goes from grey to purple to black. I think about Jordan. He’s a good guy. He would probably take me somewhere nice and hold the door open and tell me I look pretty.

It would be easy.

But then I think about Declan. I think about how I get to every session ten minutes early just so I can watch him walk across the lot. I think about the text I sent him... the one about knowing the next sentence.

I sent that to a guy who hasn't even told me he likes me yet. I sent that to a guy who is complicated and messy and has a "situation" he can’t talk about yet.

I realize I’ve been practicing my "intentional yes" for weeks. I just didn't realize who I was saying it to.

I don't text Jordan back. Not yet. I need to be sure I can say no to the safe thing before I try to grab the scary thing.

I pull up my messages with Declan. My thumbs are shaking a little bit.

Are you awake? I type.

I wait. One minute. Two minutes. My phone buzzes.

Yeah, he replies.

I take a deep breath. The air in the car is freezing, but I feel hot.

Can we talk tomorrow? I ask.

The little bubbles appear immediately. He’s typing. Then they disappear. Then they come back.

The truck. 4 PM. I’ll be there, he texts.

I put the phone down on the passenger seat. I am going to tell Jordan I can’t go. It’s going to hurt his feelings, and for the first time in my life, I’m going to let that happen. I can’t be the girl who says yes just to be helpful anymore.

I’m making a choice. It’s a real one. It’s a heavy one.

I need Declan to understand that I’m standing on the edge of something. I need him to say that next sentence. Because I’m holding the weight of this choice all by myself right now, and I don't think I can carry it alone for much longer.

Every time I’ve erased myself for a boy, I felt smaller. Tonight, sitting in the dark, I feel like I’m finally taking up space.

It’s terrifying.

I start the car. The headlights cut through the dark of the parking lot. Tomorrow at 4:00 PM, everything changes. I just hope I’m ready for whatever comes after the silence breaks.