Chapter 38 He Hears Jordan's Name and Knows

Chapter 38 He Hears Jordan's Name and Knows
DECLAN

I’ve been staring at the clock on the dashboard for so long the numbers are starting to look like they aren’t real. It’s 3:52 PM. I’m eight minutes early. I’m never early for anything. 

She texted last night. We need to talk. Four words that can ruin a man’s entire life. I’ve been running those words through my head since 11 PM. I didn't sleep. I just thought about Juni.

At 4:00 PM exactly, the passenger door opens. Juni climbs in. She smells like she always does... something clean and sweet that makes the inside of this beat-up truck feel like a place I actually want to be. She looks at the clock, then at me.

"You're early," she says.

"I had time," I say.

She looks at me for a second. She knows I’m lying. She knows my schedule is a mess of work shifts and hospital visits for Lily. She knows I don't just have extra time. But she doesn't call me out on it. She just pulls her door shut and sets her bag at her feet.

"What did you want to talk about?" I ask. I want to get it over with. The waiting is the part that kills me.

Juni looks out the windshield. The sun is starting to get low. It’s that late October light. It’s pretty, I guess. I usually don't notice stuff like that.

"Jordan Yates asked me to dinner," she says.

My heart stops. It doesn't just slow down. It stops. Jordan Yates is the kind of guy people like me are supposed to hate. He’s got the grades. He’s got the car. He’s got the future that doesn't involve worrying about how to pay for chemotherapy. He’s the safe choice.

"Okay," I say. My voice sounds flat. I'm trying to keep my face still. I’m good at that. It’s the armor I’ve worn since Lily got sick. 

"Not a study thing," she adds. "An actual dinner. On Saturday."

"What did you say?" I ask.

"I haven't answered him yet," she says.

I grip the steering wheel. My knuckles are white. I shouldn't care. This was supposed to be a performance. This was supposed to be a deal. But my chest feels tight.

"Are you going to go?" I ask.

She finally looks at me. Her eyes are big and honest. She doesn't have armor like I do. She just lets you see her.

"No," she says.

I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding. "Why not?"

Juni moves her hands in her lap. She looks nervous, but she isn't looking away. "I sat in the parking lot last night for twenty minutes," she says.

"After the session?" I ask.

"After the session," she says. "I just sat there. I kept thinking about it. I kept running the math in my head, over and over, and I kept getting the same answer."

"What answer, Juni?"

"That I’m not going to Jordan’s dinner because I’m already partway into something real," she says. Her voice is steady. "And I don’t want partway anymore."

I look at her. I can't help it. My guard is gone. I’m not the "cautionary tale" of Crestwood High right now. I’m just a guy in a truck who is terrified of how much he wants the girl sitting next to him.

"Juni..." I start.

"I’m not asking you to do anything with that right now," she interrupts. "I’m not trying to pressure you. I just needed you to know. I made a choice. It’s real for me."

She looks so certain. It makes me feel small. It makes me feel like I’ve been hiding for no reason.

"You made the choice already," I say. It’s a statement, not a question.

"Yes," she says.

"Before I said the next sentence," I remind her. We had talked about this. I told her I knew what the next step was, but I hadn't taken it.

"You said you knew it," she says softly. "I believed you."

The truck feels very small right now. The air is warm and the light is that deep amber color that makes her skin look like gold. It’s quiet. No engine. No radio. Just us. I take my hands off the steering wheel. I turn my whole body toward her. I haven't done that in a long time... given someone my full attention without looking for an exit.

"Juni," I say.

She doesn't move. She doesn't pull back. She’s waiting. She’s been waiting for me to catch up to her for weeks.

"I'm going to say the next sentence now," I tell her.

She nods once. Her breath is hitching just a little bit.

"I don't know how to do this right," I say. Every word feels heavy. Like I have to pull them out of my throat. "I haven't done this right. At all. I told you I wanted this to be real, but then I got scared and I waited."

"Why did you wait?" she asks.

"Because I was afraid," I say. I’ve never admitted that to anyone. Not even to myself. "I was afraid that if it became real, you would see all of it. You’d see the bills on my table. You’d see the shifts I have to work until two in the morning. You’d see the Lily situation and how heavy it is. I thought you’d look at the gap between what I can give you and what a guy like Jordan can give you, and you’d decide the math didn't work."

I take a breath. It hurts.

"I have been sitting in this truck for six weeks knowing I should say this," I continue. "I didn't say it because saying it out loud makes it real. And real things... real things can be lost. If it’s just a performance, it doesn't matter if it breaks. But this? This matters."

Juni’s eyes stay on mine. She isn't blinking.

"So I'm saying it now," I say. "I'm in this. I want to be in this. I want to be in this with you. Not the arrangement. Not the fake dating. Not the performance for the school. Just this. You and me. For real."

I stop talking. The silence is loud. I feel like I just stripped off my clothes in the middle of a crowded room. I’m completely exposed. I’m waiting for her to say it’s too much. I’m waiting for her to realize that I’m a mess and she deserves better.

But she doesn't say that.

Her expression shifts. Her breath changes, coming out in a little puff. Her hands, which were folded in her lap, start to move up. She looks at me with those eyes... the ones that see right through all my bullshit and find the part of me that’s still worth something.

She leans toward me. Her eyes are doing that thing... that specific, honest thing where she’s about to say something that changes everything.

She opens her mouth to speak, and I hold my breath.