Chapter 20

The rest of the day continued, it felt like everything was going well that I don’t know why I kept expecting something to go wrong and I was walking out of the locker room after spending the last of my class period running around the track. Maybe I was just looking for something to make my day go wrong and I just haven’t given myself time to relax after that emotional rollercoaster that happened this weekend. Elliot was waiting for me outside, as usual, when Luis came over to me, putting an arm around my shoulder, pulling me closer to him and we all started making our way to the parking lot.

“So how come you’ve been quiet all day?” Luis asked me.

“Not all day. Just been thinking.” I answered.

“About what?” He asks.

I sighed heavily and leaned my head back against the headrest. “Just about a lot of things that happened recently,” I answered.

I can see Elliot glancing over at me, but didn’t comment about it and Luis put on his seat belt as we started driving out the school’s parking lot. “Just some heavy conversation that he dealt,” Elliot said.

Luis glanced at us both, “Alright.”

I looked out the window for a second before adjusting myself to be able to look at him as I tried to find the words to explain. “I went over to my dad’s and a lot happened. It kind of… I don’t know how to say it.”

“I’m assuming you guys aren’t close.”

I shook my head, “Not really. When my parents divorced, my mom left me in my dad’s care and he wasn’t around much; even after the bullying started in middle school. I talked to my dad about me being gay and my suicide… It was a bit of a conversation.”

“I see… I don’t think I ever talked to my parents about anything serious like that. I don’t even know what they’re viewing are towards homosexuality or any wide-range topic.” Luis said as I sat back in his seat.

“It’s hard for them to understand if they are close-minded,” Elliot said as he came into a small plaza and found a place to park. “I’m planning to come out to my parents this weekend.”

I turned to him, “Will you be okay?”

“Yeah, I think I’ll ask Jason to come over again so that he can be there and since he met you I’m sure he’ll put in a good word for you,” he said as he turned off the car.

“You're going to tell them about me too? I thought you were just coming out to them.” I asked, surprised.

“Well, the plan was to just come out, but I think if I’m going to take you to prom then I think they should know about our relationship as well,” he answered, and started getting out of the car.

I unbuckled myself and got out of the car to walk closer to him. “You’ll call me afterward, right?”

“Of course.” he said, smiling.

We all started making our way to an ice cream parlor and we got in line. “I know how hard it is coming out and it can be hard when they don’t understand . It’s harder when they don’t want to accept it.”

Elliot sighed as he hugged me, “How did it go when telling your mom? You always talk about how it went with your dad, but you never talked about coming out to your mom.”

“I never did. She found out while I was recovering and I’m sure they told her everything after my therapy sessions. I didn’t have to say it to her.” I told them and glanced at Luis. “She was pretty open about it which surprised me, but I think she was just accepting to help me be comfortable around her and also to be living with her.”

“How old were you when your parents divorced?” Luis asked.

“Um, six, I think,” I tell them as I try to remember. “I was in both of their custody by court order until I was ten. My mom decided to return home with her parents, it's far from here, and she went back to college to study finance because she wasn’t earning enough with the job she had then, but that meant that she couldn’t take care of me so my dad took full custody of me.”

“Damn. That sounds rough.” Luis said with a sigh. “I wouldn't know how to react to something like at such a young age. My parents have been together since they were in high school; so basically they’re high school sweethearts.”

We realized it was our turn in line to order and we each took turns picking out what we wanted. I waited for Elliot as promised to pay for everyone. We made our way outside finding a place to sit and we were distracted eating that it seemed like we forgot the conversation we were having. After a while, I looked around, seeing a few people shopping, the place is like a little mini-mall that has a couple of stores to go into. I thought about the idea of going to the mall with everyone and I just hope that I can handle it like how I was able to during my last trip.

“So prom, huh?” Luis said breaking the silence.

“Yeah,” I said in a small voice.

“You're not worried about it? I mean, Elliot, you’re not open and you guys haven’t come out to anyone at school as well.” Luis said, looking at us both. “You guys will be okay?”

“I think it should be fine. I’m not too worried about it,” Elliot said as he glanced over at me. “I was never one to care about people's opinion if it didn’t matter.”

“But what about Michael? You can be fine with it because you’ll be leaving school this year, but he has next year to deal with and we don’t know what people's opinion could be.”

Elliot seemed confused for a second before turning to him, “Well, you’re going to be there right? And Jennifer and her friends already know so I don’t think it should be that big of a deal.”

I didn’t say anything for a second as I listened. “I think I’ll be fine when people find out. When I was with Chris, we weren’t hiding it from people after a year in. His friends knew, my friend knew, and surprisingly I never had a problem with being out to people.” I said as I looked down at my empty cup. “I always thought it should never be wrong to hide that I’m gay even after all that happened to me.”

“That’s actually cool. I think that’s one thing you should share with people.” Luis commented as I looked away feeling shy now. “And you’re right, I will be there so I shouldn’t be worrying about that.”

Elliot was quiet for a second as if pondering on what we said and it was quiet for a while.

“Hey, Michael, can I ask you something?” Luis asked.

“What?” I turned to him.

“Before transferring to our school, how were you then?” he asked as he shifted slightly in his seat as if a bit curious and uncertain about his question. “I mean, did you have close friends? Was your health better?”

I thought about this before shaking my head. “I can’t say that it was better, but I made myself adjust to things and do things that I can be comfortable with.” I answered, uncertain on how to explain. “I hate talking to the kids in my classes in my other school, but I was also afraid that I would mess up again and lost sight of what it is to have friends. I felt like they forced themselves to be my friend out of spite and never bothered me outside of school.”

“And how are you now?” he continued to ask.

I opened my mouth as I thought about this trying to find the words to answer. “I don’t know, honestly. I think something in me changed after meeting Elliot and it wasn’t a good first impression between us.” I said glancing over at Elliot who smiled shyly. “In the old school, they only wanted to be friends because the teacher would force them to socialize with me, have me more involved, and I assumed Elliot was doing the same things until he was persistent on wanting to be friends after having a panic attack in front of him. I’ve never had anyone want to be my friend after seeing me like that.”

Luis nodded as he thought about my answer then turned to Elliot, “And what about you?”

“What about me?” Elliot asked as he sat up a bit seeing that we had our attention on him.

“How did it go for you to decide that you wanted to date Michael?” he asked him. “You obviously weren’t interested in men before him, right?”

I glanced over at Elliot before turning back to Luis, shaking my head, “Isn’t that too personal to ask?”

“He can say if it is.”

“It’s not like I ever explained it to Michael… Yes, I wasn’t interested in men, but I decided to open up to him about my own history and spending the time with him made me realize a few things.” Elliot said. “I have my own past that I was also traumatized with and having to be there for him only made me realize a few things. It was affectionate because I felt like I can be myself when I’m around him; I can express things that he can understand; and I just wanted to be with him.”

Luis sighs, “You guys are always saying these embarrassing things.”

I blushed hearing his words and I tried to hide the smile that’s on my face as I glanced over at him. I already knew about all of this already, but just hearing him say this always gives me this light feeling inside me and it was like taking a breath of fresh air. I didn’t mind the conversation we were having and it felt like I’ve been sharing a lot of personal things about my life, but at the same time it felt easier to tell them to Luis since I’ve gotten close with him as a friend.

Elliot continued after chuckling at Luis’s expression and grabbed my attention. “We are still learning to be with each other because Michael still feels uncomfortable with body contacts, but luckily we’ve gotten comfortable enough since we spend a lot of our time together and I don’t think we’ve had any issues with it. I wasn’t afraid to be in this relationship knowing that he likes me for me and I realized that I liked him for who he is.”

I shook my head as I raised my hand to stop him, “I can’t take this.” I say as I cover my face hoping that my face wasn’t red after hearing everything he said. “Just stop.”

“Me too. It was just a question but your answer came out to gushy.” Luis said, shaking his head.

Elliot laughed, “Hey, you asked and that’s my answer. Besides what’s with these questions?”

“I’m just curious. I mean, Michael, you don’t talk about a few things, which I can understand, but I’m just curious to know a bit more about you.” Luis said turning to me and I shrugged my shoulders.

“Well, I said what I wanted to say and it’s just hard talking about it to people for many reasons. It takes a lot out of me to get those words out of my mouth and for people to understand when I try to explain it. I can’t say these things to Fernando or Brian because I don’t know them enough to share and I’m always afraid of what people will think of me when they see me having my episodes... I only said that to you because I do trust you and I wanted us to be friends. You don’t get how hard it is to want to have friends, but scared to also trust them after… after fucking shit up and I don’t even know how to be a friend.”

There was a pause between us and I sighed rubbing my forehead hoping that I explained it well because my voice came out a bit rough.

“The last real friend I had… He knew what was going on between Chris and I so he tried to help me, but I was scared.” I tell Luis. “He was a good friend that wanted to help me and get me out of that abuse, but I got scared that in the end I only pushed him away so that he could give up on me.”

“He said that he didn’t mean it.” Elliot cut in and I glanced over at him.

“I know, but still.” I mumbled.

Turning away as I felt like I’ve shared enough and I wasn’t too sure if I wanted to answer any more questions that Luis might ask me. I think I’ve reached to an extent that I just want to close myself off from saying something that might be viewed wrongly or having to go to details that I’m not comfortable enough to do so.

“We still have a bit of time, should we go somewhere? Want to go walking around the pier?” I heard Elliot say.

“No,” I answered instantly, sounding a bit too loud that it almost took me by surprise.

Elliot glanced over at Luis, cautiously, before turning back to me. “He’s not going to be there,” he whispers as if knowing about my concern.

I can already feel my heart pounding as I opened my mouth for a second about to say something before shaking my head. “No.” I whispered.

“Alright. We don’t have to go there.” He said, seeing my reaction.

Luis glanced over at me, “Was that where you ran into him?”

I nod and I didn’t know what to say for a second as I stood up just wanting to move.

“Hey, didn’t we try going to the arcade last time to help with your anxiety? Let’s try again and go to the pier. You have Elliot and me there so you’ll be safe with us and if it gets too much we can always walk down the shore.” Luis said as he reached out to grab my arm.

I looked down at his hand holding me before shaking my head. “No, I don’t want to go there… Look, I don’t mind having these conversations and telling you about my past, but after what I went through this weekend I think I’m done saying anything more than that. Just coming here is fine enough and I don’t want to go to another place.”

“It’s just the pier,” Luis said.

“It’s not about that,” I said instantly after hearing him say that.

There was a long silence before Luis sighed heavily. “I’m going to be serious with you, too. You said at the hangout that you weren’t depressed about the whole situation of running into your ex-boyfriend, but you jumped into the pool that night when you didn't know how to swim and honestly, it felt like you were trying to drown yourself. Why would you do something so dangerous without a care of your own safety, considering your past? Are you sure that you weren’t having any suicidal tendencies?”

Elliot was quiet as he listened, his brows were pushed together, as if he couldn’t understand what Luis just said before glancing over at me. “Wait, don’t you think that’s a little far fetched? I mean he’s gone through a lot these past three months since he’s started school here, but to claim that he’s suicidal…”

I look at them both feeling like they forgot that I can hear them. “It’s not like that. I wasn’t trying to.” I said, in disbelief.

“Come on, Michael, drinking, jumping to a pool when you can’t swim, and you sort of closed us off a couple weeks ago. Aren’t those signs?” Luis asked me.

"Hold on," Elliot began to say.

“Elliot had to jump in to grab you.” Luis continued, cutting him off. “You say that you don’t mean it, but what if you just didn’t realize what you were doing?”

“Just stop it. Are you saying this because I don’t want to go to the pier?” I asked.

“Well, kind of, but-”

“I don’t want to go to the pier because I’m scared to run into Chris there and the thought that he can be anywhere, just anywhere, gives me anxiety. And just because I tried to kill myself once doesn’t mean I’m sucidial,” I said loudly.

I stood there before glancing around seeing a few people turning to look over and I couldn’t stand the staring so I started to walk away from the table. I was barely walking when I heard Elliot coming after me and I didn’t want to stop.

“Just let me be alone for a second.”

“Luis didn’t mean all that.” He said as he walked over to reach for my hand but I pulled it away.

“Yes, he did. I wasn’t trying to kill myself and I told you that I haven’t thought about it since we got together.” I told him.

“Then tell that to him. I know you don’t want to be accused and it sounds all bad, but if it's not true then say that to him,” he said as he walked beside me. “But it kind of does make sense…”

I stopped to turn to him, “Not you too.”

“No, I didn’t mean it like that, but thinking about it, you have been stressed and all these events just keep happening. Maybe unconsciously you do things without realizing it and that is something that you have to consider.” Elliot said as he moved in front of me to stop me from walking. “Not only did you jump in the pool that night, but you were also drinking which I didn’t think you would ever do that, you almost ran into traffic yesterday when you had that talk with your dad, and who knows if you did something else without realizing it.”

I didn’t say anything as I looked at him gripping the end of my shirt then glanced back seeing Luis walking over towards us. “I don’t… I didn’t mean it.” I mumbled as I couldn’t find the words to say.

“Michael, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to piss you off.” Luis said as he finally came over. “Just forget what I said. It's not my place to be saying things like that. I was just worried.”

I looked over at him then at Elliot and I wasn’t sure what I wanted to say. “You just don’t understand how hard all of it can be,” I said finally and my voice came out low. “Claiming that I’m suicidal?”

“Mich-”

“No, I don’t want to talk about it anymore. I just want to leave.” I cut in. “Please. Let’s drop this for right now.”

I made my way to the car and it took them a few minutes for the two to follow, maybe they were exchanging words, because Elliot had a bit of a hard expression when he got inside the car. I’ve seen that look on him when he had that fight with David and I’m sure that he said something to Luis because he sat in the back seat quietly. I didn’t want to talk anymore. I know Luis was saying it out of my well-being yet I felt like I was being attacked and it made me uncomfortable by his accusation. It wasn’t a very long drive to get to my house, I asked to be dropped-off first, but after Elliot parked the car we all sat there quietly and I was still trying to figure out what I wanted to say before I got off the car.

“Listen, what I said-” Luis began to say.

“Hold on.” I cut him off and I took a deep breath as I unbuckled myself.

Elliot turned off the car glancing over at the both of us before turning to me. “Just say it,” he tells me, softly.

“I know you might think I could be doing it unconsciously after all that was going on and you both might be worried about me because of my past but I’m not trying to kill myself. The thought hasn’t crossed my mind in such a long time and I’m trying every single day to not let things get to me.” I began as I shifted in my seat to be able to face them both. “Also you can’t just bring up about my suicide so openly like that because I’m not even comfortable to be talking about it in public and you don’t understand how heavy of a topic like that can be to a person”

I paused for a second to take a breath because I wanted to choose my words carefully.

“I get why you said that because you were worried and it made you curious, but don’t assume something like that just because of one or two things that I did. When I wanted to end my life I was depressed, alone, and I felt worthless. I felt like I had no one and with everything that was going on with Chris only made it worse.” I try to say calmly because the anger I felt made the words rush out of my mouth and I tried to not be emotional while explaining. “Who I am now is a different person… I’ve told this to Elliot, but if I ever sink myself to that point again then I’ll say something and not go through it alone like it was before”

I was in tears by this point, but I kept on talking while they just stayed silent.

“I tried calling for help. I did, but no one answered. No one was there for me. How I felt that day... You wouldn't understand what was going through my head to decide on that and why I did what I did. And now it’s different because I have my mom around again, I have Elliot who I care about and actually cares about me, and I finally have friends like Jennifer and you. I’m not trying to lose that now.”

After I said all that it was quiet in the car and I couldn’t look at them now as I wiped the tears from my face. When no one said anything after a long minute or two, I grabbed my backpack and got out of the car to make my way to the door. I made sure that I closed the door behind me in case Elliot tried to come after me and I rubbed my forehead as I tried to take a deep breath. It took me a while to stop crying and I stood there staring off as I thought about what I said. I finally made my way to my room tossing my backpack on the side of my bed and lay down when I felt my phone vibrate. I ignored it until it started ringing and I knew it was Elliot calling me.

“I don’t want to talk,” I said, answering the call.

“Then open the door, please.” he asks me.

“No, just leave me alone. I don’t want to talk and I don’t want to see you right now.” I told him as I slowly sat up. “I’ll just see you tomorrow.”

Elliot was quiet for a second before he sighed, “Okay, I’ll see you in the morning.”

I hung up, putting my phone on the side, as I laid down again taking a deep breath and just tried to clear my mind. For a while, all I heard was my phone ring and I know this time it could be Luis, either trying to call or text me, but I didn’t bother to look at my phone. I reached for my covers to pull it over my face and I honestly wasn’t sure how to feel because it was all just a mixed emotion between frustration, annoyance, disbelief, and more that I don’t want to recall. I laid there for another couple of minutes before sitting up, reached for my keys, as I’m getting out of bed deciding that I’m just going to take a walk. I didn’t want to be alone in the house with these thoughts and I still didn’t want to talk to anyone so I just kept my phone on silent when I stepped outside.

I began walking down the block, putting on my headphones, just wanting to be distracted from my thoughts and it seemed like many feet were on autopilot. I had said so many things that I never told anyone, besides Elliot or my mom, and it was like the words Luis said were echoing in my head. I was walking when I came across a street realizing that I might have gone in a new direction and I might have to find my way back home. I sighed while taking out my phone and I noticed that it’s been over an hour since I left my house. There were four missed calls, six unread messages on my phone. Trying to figure out what to do; I checked the messages first and decided to call back on the missed calls that were from Luis. At the corner of the block, I put the call through my headphones waiting for it to ring, I looked at my phone to open the map application to find directions.

“Michael?” Luis said when he answered.

“I saw that you called...”

“I’ve been calling for a long time… Look, I didn’t mean to upset you like that. I just asked because I was worried and it wasn’t like I thought you were trying to do something to yourself...” He began to say as I can feel myself taking a deep breath.

I began to cross the street after finding the right directions and I was already getting mad at his response.

“I get it… I do and I see why you would be worried, but I don’t want to hurt myself.” I forcefully tell him. “You need to understand the seriousness when talking about suicide and when someone can be suicidal. Before meeting Elliot or you or even coming to this school, I spent days waking up just trying to find ways to get through the day and telling myself that I’m still alive because maybe it wasn’t my time to go.”

I stopped walking for a second not wanting people to hear so I stepped to the side seeing the small park that I’ve gone to with Elliot and took a seat on an empty bench.

I can hear him sigh. “You were right that I shouldn’t have talked like that so open when I don’t know about it…And you're alive so please don’t ever give that up.”

I didn’t say anything as I sat there staying quietly and he didn’t say anything as well. I thought about what I said, the things that they were saying to me, but maybe he was right. I had jumped into the pool for fun, but I did like how it felt when I was in the water and that floating feeling. I sighed loudly as I rubbed my face coming to realization of what I was thinking and what I kept to myself that I haven’t been sharing.

“Honestly… Honestly, I do wonder why I'm still alive… And maybe you are right… Maybe I am suicidal and I just don’t want to do anything or am afraid to... I haven't told this to Elliot or my mom or anyone… But I would wake up in the morning, a few times and I thought to myself: Why am I still doing here? I wanted to be gone and they just brought me back to still live in this nightmare.” I tell him resting my head on my arm, leaning down on the table, if I’m trying to hide my face. “I still look at myself in the mirror and I get mad or disappointed, but now-”

I paused, noticing that it was silent in his end, I knew he’s listening to me and I used the end of the sleeve to wipe my face because I’m crying again. “But now, when I have thoughts like that, I have to tell myself that it’s better now and I can be better or be happier because it’s not so dark anymore. I shouldn't have to look at myself like that anymore because I have people who care, I have someone that likes me and I have my mom who loves me. I’m going to miss all of this and at the same time I’m also scared that it will all disappear.”

“Michael…”

“Also, maybe you were right and I was doing all that unintentionally, but I don’t mean to. I don’t want to do that to everyone.” I said, my voice was starting to come out shaky. “Why am I like this? Why couldn’t I come back and forget everything? Have amnesia so that I can have a new life and not be me. I’m starting to get scared because everything is going to change in a few months, or year, and I don’t know what I should do. It’s like, I’m scared to die now, but I’m also scared to keep on living and that messes with my head.”

“Wai-”

“I never thought about my future until recently now that we’re going to be seniors next year and I can’t even imagine it. Maybe this happiness that Elliot has given me is all I can get and it’ll go away after he leaves for college… I wonder if this is all I deserve… Maybe I’m just allowed to be happy for just a little while longer because I don’t deserve more. How am I going to keep living knowing that I’m going to be like this? Broken. I can’t do that to him.”

I put the phone down to use my hands to cover my face as I cried.

I don’t think I’ve cried as much as this since my suicide attempt and these tears won't stop. I forgot about Luis on the phone as I felt my shoulders trembling and the edges of my sleeves were drenched as I used them to wipe my tears. It just wouldn’t stop. As each tear escaped me, I can hear myself gasping as if taking deep breaths can help me, but it isn’t. I don’t know if Luis is still on the line because I’ve been weeping for a while that if he was still on I couldn’t bring myself to talk anymore; I probably can’t even form a sentence.

What else can I say to him anyways? No, what am I supposed to do after saying all that? I said too much to take all those words back like I didn’t mean any of it. I said things I knew I should have never said out loud. I didn’t even know I had that much to say and that I had all those feelings pinned up. I suddenly can hear my phone ringing and I reached out to grab it seeing Elliot’s name on the caller ID.

“Michael, open the door.” He told me after I answered it.

“I’m not… I’m not ho… home.” I said, hiccuping my words as I felt myself curl up a bit from where I’m sitting and I now wished I was because I don’t want to be seen. “Please… Please, come get me. Please.”

“Michael… Michael, where are you?” Elliot asked and you can hear the distress in his tone. “Can you tell me?”

I tried taking a deep breath to calm myself to talk, “The park. I’m at the park by my house.”

“Don’t move from there. Don’t go anywhere. Okay?”

I nodded my head and I sniffled against the sleeves of my shirt again, “Okay.”