Chapter 55

I hang up and jog to class. I slide into my seat as the bell rings.

Calculus may be boring now that I’ve figured it all out, but something about the monotony of school helps me to focus on thoughts of my future. Even so, I pity the poor idiots doomed to day after day of this kind of instruction. When Noah taps my shoulder, I drop my pencil. But then I spin around and smile at him. And I realize Edam was right. I totally came to school to see Noah.

When he leans over to hand me the pencil I dropped and our hands brush, I realize that Noah’s the reason I struggled with taking Edam up on his offer. I thought it was because I wanted to handle Judica myself, but there have been plenty of great queens who simply aren’t amazing fighters. There are other empresses who fight well but hate it. All of them have relied on their Consorts. And almost every queen uses her Consort when she’s pregnant. He’s been my best option since the moment Judica agreed I could bring him along. I wonder if she’s been planning for this contingency all week.

The day creeps forward slowly. Lark grabs my arm in the hallway. “Francy Behman invited me to her house after school. I think I should go, since I’m supposed to be developing contacts. It’s my whole purpose for being here. But if you’re leaving right away—”

I shake my head. “Go. It’s fine. I won’t leave for Ni’ihau without seeing you first. Go conquer the New York socialite scene so you can ferret out information for me.”

Lark beams.

I really hope she’s found someplace she will finally belong. Maybe here she won’t fear for her life. I really want that for her, even if it’ll never happen for me.

Noah jogs up and grabs my elbow. “You’re going to be late for history, and I need you to be on time so I can copy from your paper.”

I let him tug me toward class, suppressing my smile. Rationally I know he’s a human teenager like any other. He’s certainly no Benjamin Franklin. In fact, I barely know him. But he became my symbol for freedom, for escaping the fate I never wanted. And today I’ll be saying goodbye, to him and to any chance of living a relatively normal life.

Not that Noah knows any of that.

“Hey,” he says after school. “You didn’t say. How did the meeting with that Olympic scout go?”

I shake my head. “He didn’t even show. That coach is kind of a poser.”

“No kidding.” Noah snorts. “I could have told you that on day one.”

“Well,” I say awkwardly, wondering how to say goodbye without saying it. “I guess I’ll see you.”

“If you don’t have any scouts or meetings today, you should come hang out with me. It’s not like you need to study.” He bobs his head toward the test I’m holding from history. It’s really bizarre how their only real goal in school here is memorizing facts. I’ve known all the answers to this test since I was three, but facts alone don’t prepare you for life. It’s interpreting and processing information they should be learning, not lists of dates and events.

“No,” I say, “I don’t need to study, but I think I’m going to go for a run when I get home to clear my head.”

“That’s a bad idea. You’re too young, and far too attractive to go running in New York alone.”

I lift my eyebrows. “If I was older or uglier, then it would be fine?”

He grins sheepishly. “Maybe. Maybe not. But you’d be safer at any age if you let me come with you. In fact, why don’t we run to your house. Is it far?”

I hesitate. Should I tell a stranger where Alora’s house is? But I’ve been to his house, and Alora ran a check on him. Besides, what harm can a human really do to me? At worst, he sends buckets of roses to Alora when I don’t show up at school tomorrow. I almost hope he does do something like that.

“Gramercy Park,” I finally say.

“You’ve had a bad day,” he says. “I could tell in class.”

He doesn’t press for any answers, and I don’t offer any.

“I’ll jog over with you and take a cab back here to my car.” He taps some buttons on his phone. “It’s only four miles. Or if you want a more scenic run, if your driver drops us off, we could jog by Gracie Mansion and walk along the East River.” He cranes his neck. “Isn’t that your driver?”

I follow his gaze to where Bernard’s waiting on the curb. “Yep.”

“Where’s your sister?” Noah pays attention.

“She went home with a friend,” I say.

“So... is that a yes?”

Jogging down the East River with a cute guy and driving around town. I’m not ready to stop pretending this could be my life. And it’s not like I need to rush back to train, not anymore. “Sure. Why not?”

Noah waves at Bernard. “Hello there, sir. Are you familiar with FDR by the 9th Street Ferry Terminal?”

Bernard frowns. “I know all of Manhattan.” Which Noah probably doesn’t believe, but I’m sure is true.

“Could you drop us there so we can take John Finley down to Gramercy Park?”

Bernard looks over his shoulder at Frederick, who shakes his head vehemently.

But Frederick isn’t my boss. I’m his. And if I can watch Edam kill my sister, I can call the shots on the route for a jog.

“Today is the nicest day we’ve had since I landed in New York,” I say. “There can’t be many clear, sunny, fifty-degree days like this.” Besides. I don’t need to train with Edam, not anymore. I have all the time in the world. “So you’ll drop us off without complaint.” I pin Frederick with a stare I hope is half as strong as Mom’s.

Frederick nods, but he looks nervous. I whisper softly as I climb in the car, “You can have some guys trail me when we get out.”

Frederick’s resigned expression eats at me, but I ignore it. I’m going to be getting a lot of huffy looks in the coming weeks until people become used to the fact that I’m in charge.

When Bernard stops the car and we get out, Noah extends his arm, offering to carry my bag.

So stinking cute.

My human wannabe boyfriend is going to take my bag so my arm doesn’t get tired. I shake my head. “I’ll leave it in the car.”

“Duh,” he says. “I’m an idiot.”

“You’re a cute idiot.”

He beams at me.

We start off at a brisk pace, and I try to watch the scenery and not the human.

He doesn’t even bother to look at anything but me. “So what’s going on with us?”

“Excuse me?” I ask.

“We kissed, and from my end, there were like, I don’t know, fireworks. Literal and figurative. And then you essentially bolted after that.”

“Okay.”

“Was it really that bad for you?” Noah bumps my hip with his and the movement is so natural, so casual, so normal that it physically pains me. This is what I want. Maybe not with him, but with someone exactly like him. All the things evians can’t have, all the things I’ll never have, that’s what I long for, but is it only because I know I can’t have it?

“Things in my life are complicated,” I say. “Really, supremely, more-than-you-would-ever-believe complicated.”

“Please tell me you aren’t dating Coach Renfro just for his senior discount,” he says. “Because I’m loaded. You don’t need a discount with me at all. Like, I’ve never even used a coupon in my entire life. Not even a Groupon.”

“Wait, you have money? I heard you were at Trinity on scholarship.” I roll my eyes.

Noah stops cold and I stumble a step or two to stop.

“Seriously,” he says. “I joke a lot, but I really want to know. Did I ruin everything by kissing you? You can tell me, and as pathetic as this sounds, even if you’re not into me, I’m okay with being friends.” He cringes. “Or, you know, I’ll try and figure out how to be okay.”

“You barely know me,” I protest.

“I’ve seen enough.”

He’s seen enough. It’s my appearance, I realize. My perfect DNA is hard for humans to ignore. Of course he’s into me, what with raging teenage boy hormones. At least with Edam I know he likes me for more than my looks—since Judica’s match mine precisely and he detests her.

“Noah, it’s not—”

He kicks a soda can. “It’s not you, it’s me?”

“Huh?”

“Nothing,” he says. “I promise not to bring it up again, okay?”

Unlike every other person I know, practically, Noah wants nothing from me except my time and company. He doesn’t want power, or prestige, or position. He’s not asking for a favor, or hoping that I’ll owe him one in the future. Because he has no idea who I really am. It’s nice pretending. Really nice.

“You miss her, don’t you?” he asks. Before I can respond, he says, “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have pressed you, or badgered you to talk about your mom or us either. I’m so used to being selfish that sometimes I don’t even realize when I’m being a jerk.”

I shake my head. “I miss her every minute of every day. I think I always will, but you didn’t know her so it’s okay. No one knows how to act around me, even my own family. I get it.”

“I wish I did.”

“Me too,” I say. And I mean it. Mom would have liked Noah’s insouciance, his snark, and she would have hated it a little bit, too. Which I would have loved.

He reaches over and takes my hand with his, lacing our fingers together again and it’s so easy and relaxing and calm. He doesn’t say anything else, and he doesn’t try to run again either. He simply strolls along the road next to me. I can almost pretend we’re normal high school students walking amidst shoppers, joggers, moms with kids in tow, bike messengers, and groups of teenagers. When I look over my shoulder, I notice Donovan and Renni in black, strolling down the road. If I glance far ahead, I see Mathias and Simeon, but other than that, I can almost pretend I’m not who I am.

“It’s really beautiful in the spring,” he says. “In a few more weeks, these streets will be lined with cherry blossoms and, you know, leaves on the bushes.”

“It’s already beautiful,” I say. “Look at the people on the benches, and the people running to make it to a meeting. They all have a purpose, they’re all doing what they can with the time they have.” Alora’s right. Humans have a different perspective because their time is so limited.

“You’re introspective today. If you get any more somber, I may drag you back into the river.”

“You just want to see my undies again.”

Noah rolls his eyes. “Duh.”

I move toward the edge of the walkway and look out over the river. A fish jumps out of the water and birds swoop at him. He barely dips back under the water before a seagull snags him and flies off, wings pumping while the idiot fish flails uselessly. No control over his own destiny.

I know the feeling.

When I turn back toward Noah, he’s watching me. I cross my arms and wonder what he sees.

“You look so sad.” He takes two steps toward me, his heart beating faster than usual. “Almost like you’re trying to figure out how to say goodbye to me. Which is crazy because you just moved here, right?”

He’s far too perceptive for a human kid, maybe because he doesn’t have an agenda. When you’re trying to work an angle, it’s harder to truly see into another person’s motivations. Your desires get in the way. I want to tell him the whole truth about who I am and what happened. I want to tell him about Judica, and the ring and Mom’s death. I want to get perspective from someone with nothing to gain and nothing to lose. But I can’t, because... I can’t really think why I can’t. His best friend in school is half-evian, and if I want to use him later as a contact, he’ll need to know.

“Actually,” I say, feeling him out, “I’m thinking of going back home.”

“This summer?” he asks.

I shake my head. “No, sooner.”

He steps closer, his head hovering a few inches away, his stormy blue eyes locked on mine. “You can’t do that,” he whispers.

“I can’t?”

He shakes his head slowly, his dark hair falling in his face. He brushes it back with one hand. “My life would sink back into utter boredom. I hate to make this all about me, but that’s just how it’s going to have to be.” He grins at me. “You have to stay.”

My stomach flip flops. Noah isn’t as muscular as Edam, and he’s not as commanding or impressive, but I know his intentions. I know what he wants without a doubt, even if he likes my looks most of all. And I want him, too.

“I don’t have a reason to stay in New York,” I say softly. “And I have a lot of things pulling me back home.”

“You don’t have any reason to stay here?” Noah’s hand brushes against mine, his fingers rougher than I remembered.

“No reason at all.”

His head dips lower. “Are you sure?”

I swallow and his eyes drop to my lips.

In the space of one blink, he closes the space between us and presses his mouth to mine. It’s just like our first kiss, and it’s completely different. It’s the cry of seagulls, and the wind in our hair. It’s the freedom of his arms, and the uncertainty of leave-taking. It’s longing and resignation and desire, tangled like our hands, mussed like our hair, and urgent like his lips against mine.

“Don’t go,” he whispers.

I can’t promise to stay, so I kiss him back instead. His arms wrap around my waist again, pulling me closer without demanding things, sheltering me without dictating my future. And somehow, in the midst of my crazy, tumultuous world, I’m safe in the circle of his human hands. Nothing can hurt me with Noah by my side.

But of course none of this is real, because I’m reinforced steel to his tissue paper. Noah can’t keep me safe. His world is a sandbox compared to my lion’s den.

When I pull back, Noah lets me, but the longing in his eyes tugs at my heart. I wish I’d been born into another life, another family. Then maybe Noah could be the one for me.

Noah lets me slide out and away, but his warm breath shifts my hair when he says, “Why are you really leaving?”

His murmured words distract me from a sound I should have recognized. If I hadn’t been wishing quite so hard, I might have been paying better attention. I might have evaded the bullet that punches through my right shoulder.