Chapter 54

Edam, Lark, and Alora are waiting for me in the breakfast room. Alora must have told them Mom sent a letter.

I stop in the doorway, watching the cars in the morning traffic crawl past the window. My life turned upside down when Mom died, but New York has no idea. Life rolls along out here, people going to breakfast, and driving to work, and taking kids to school. Except not my mom, and not my little sister. They will never go to work or school. My mom will never hug me again, and I’ll never meet Sotiris at all. I’ll never be free of my burden, because even if I defeat Judica, I’ll be saddled with guilt and obligation.

Which means Judica ruined everything like always, but so much worse.

I glance around the room. No guards in sight. “Where are the closest guards stationed?”

“I told them to wait outside,” Alora says. “I thought you might want some privacy.”

“Good, because this information is top level clearance only. Mom suspected she was being poisoned,” I say. “And thanks to some information in her letter, I’m now certain it was Judica.”

“I’m sorry,” Alora says. “But are you surprised? I thought you already blamed her.”

I slump down at the table. “I guess I was hoping, more than I realized, that she was innocent. The more I watched videos and saw how Judica reacted to Mom, the less I thought she could actually kill her. She denied it so vehemently. Judica is many things, but I’ve never known her to out and out lie.”

Alora and Edam share a glance I don’t understand. I consider telling them about Mom’s pregnancy, but I just can’t quite bring myself to say the words aloud. The question I can’t resolve is, how did Judica find out Mom was expecting? If even I didn’t know, how could she have discovered the secret that precipitated the poison? I think back on the tiny heartbeat I attributed to a mouse in the dark tunnel.

Maybe Judica heard Sotiris. Maybe she was smarter than me and knew the sound for what it was.

“I can’t let her get away with it,” I say. “I just can’t. I’m going back. I’m not going to abdicate.”

Edam’s smile melts almost as quickly as it appears, but it’s there. He’s pleased, and for some reason that annoys me.

“You missed our session this morning. Ready to make it up now?” he asks.

I shake my head. “I’m eating a quick breakfast, then I’m off for school. I’m probably going to be late as it is.”

Alora’s eyebrows rise. “You’re still going to school? Why?”

“Because Judica’s watching her,” Lark says.

“Exactly,” I say. “If I don’t show today, someone will report that I’ve decided to stay home. How do you think she’ll react once she knows I’m not attending? I don’t need to make myself a target. She gave me time to decide whether to abdicate, not a week to sit in your brownstone and prepare to kill her.”

“But you’re wasting time at Trinity,” Edam says. “Unless...have you decided about my offer?”

I slam my hand down on the table. And my reaction tells me that I have decided. I can’t take him up on his offer, no matter how dire my chances. I’ll do this myself or not at all.

“I’m fighting her myself.”

I grit my teeth at Lark’s quick inhalation of air.

“That’s a mistake.” Edam’s eyes flash. “You’re like a terminal cancer patient insisting on full treatment. It’s too little, too late, and like a terminal patient, you’ll die.”

“A terminal patient will die either way.”

Edam huffs. “What I mean—”

“Is that really what you think?” I ask. “That I have zero chance of defeating her?”

Edam won’t meet my eye, and I guess that’s my answer.

I turn toward Alora. At least she’ll look at me. “Do you think I’m in denial?”

Alora frowns. “I didn’t say that.”

“You haven’t said anything about it at all. Inara told me to let Edam fight for me. Edam’s my trainer and he thinks I don’t have a chance, but you’re a melodics master. If anyone would know whether I can defeat her with my current level of skill, it’s you.”

I need someone to tell me I can do this.

As though we’re connected somehow, Lark says, “You can defeat her, Chancery, I know you can.”

I close my eyes. I could barely defeat my half-human best friend. I love Lark and always will, but I need someone other than her to believe in me.

Alora sighs heavily. “It doesn’t really matter what I think, Chancery. The only person who needs to believe it is you.”

“Did you see that on a bumper sticker yesterday?” I ask.

She doesn’t even believe in me enough to attempt a lie. I grab a muffin and a banana and storm out of the breakfast room, bound for the car. Lark trails me, and so does Edam. When I stop, Lark continues on ahead.

“I’ll tell Frederick to prepare the car,” she says, ditching me with an angry man.

“Your sister won’t tell you straight,” Edam says. “And Lark will walk right up to the edge of the cliff and jump off with you, never once complaining. But this isn’t a movie where the impossible happens because Hollywood wants to boost ticket sales. If we had more time, you could learn what you need to know. I believe in you all the way. You can defeat your twin, but a few more days won’t give you enough time to get there.”

“And how much time would be enough?” I hiss. “Another week? Two? A month? Two months?” I shake my head. “If you don’t believe in me now, you never will. You’ll always want me to need you, want me to use you. You’ll never help me stand alone.”

Edam flushes like I slapped him. “This isn’t about my ego.” He clenches his fist and the muscles in his arm ripple up and down. “We didn’t speak much until a few days ago, but I’ve watched you my entire life.” He swallows hard. “I mean that in the least creepy way possible. Ni’ihau is a small island.”

“For a while, keeping an eye on me was your job.”

“Exactly. Everyone watches everyone in that fishbowl. But recently I’ve seen you survive and rise above. I guess you’re right that this is about me, but not in the way you think.” He reaches out tentatively and touches my arm and a tingle zips from my chest out to my fingers and toes.

He drops his hands to his sides, his voice the barest of whispers. “I want to fight her in your place because I can’t bear the thought of losing you. Surely you know that by now.”

This time when I look at him, Edam’s eyes meet mine and his fear shines through. Edam’s never afraid of anything. I should be swooning, but I’m not. Because his fear is based on an honest assessment of my skill. He thinks I’ll lose, and that’s not very heartening. I wish my mom was here, because I need her advice more than ever. How did she not anticipate Judica challenging me when she wrote that letter? A few lines telling me how to deal with this exceedingly predictable situation would have been fantastic.

Mom isn’t here, but Alora is. I call her name, and her head pokes out of the breakfast room. “I need a minute,” I tell Edam.

He nods, the set of his mouth grim.

I trot back in and close the door behind me. I don’t waste any time with Alora. “No more vague opinions or noncommittal answers. And don’t even think about telling me to follow my heart. I want to know what you’d do if you were me. Right now, with the experience you have, what would you do?”

Alora sinks into a chair. “You don’t want to hear this, and so telling you will probably cause you to retrench. You’re just like Mother. But you should take Edam’s offer and live. No matter what other hangups you may have, if you don’t defeat Judica, you die. It’s a hurdle you need to clear, and Edam’s a sure thing. That boy loves you. It’s clear in every line of his body, every look, every grunt, every moody overreaction. I didn’t tell you this before because no one else can feel what you feel. No one else knows whether this arrangement is something you can live with. But if you were ready to handle Judica yourself, you wouldn’t be so conflicted.”

She’s right. I want to be good enough, but I’m not. Edam compared me to a terminal cancer patient, for heaven’s sake. Obviously I need help.

Death of hope might be the worst kind of death there is.

“Fine,” I say. “I’ll do it. Before we head back, I’ll take Edam as my Consort and let him handle the fight for me.”

“Are you going to tell him that?” Alora asks. “Because he’s right outside.”

I nod numbly. “I should.”

Alora calls his name, and he jogs through the door, eyes scanning the room for threats. Finally his eyes stop on me. He crouches down in front of me. “Are you okay? What’s wrong?”

I shake my head. “I’m fine. And I’ve made my decision. I’ll name you my Consort and let you fight in my place.”

Death of hope for me, but the birth of hope for him. I watch it spread across his undeniably beautiful face. His eyes light up, his mouth opens in a smile, and his shoulders square. “Thank you,” he says. Like I’ve offered him a present, or paid him a compliment instead of telling me he’s stuck with me for a thousand years, fighting all my battles for me, watching my back forever.

“We can talk about details later.” I can’t sit here and stare at his joy, not right now. Not when it means the last supports of my world are caving in. “I don’t want to be late.” I stand up, and Edam steps back, dropping his hands.

His eyes find Alora’s, searching for an answer. “Why are you still going to school, now that you’ve made up your mind?”

“We talked about this. Odds are high that she’s at least monitoring my movements. I can’t have her, I don’t know, bombing Alora’s house.”

“We could fly back now. No need to wait for her to figure anything out.”

I don’t have a response to that, but I’m not ready yet.

“Are you sure this isn’t about something else?” he asks.

“Like what?”

Edam clenches his jaw. “Are you going to Trinity to see Noah?”

I lift my chin. “What if I am?” This is a business arrangement, me naming him as Consort. Sure, maybe he doesn’t want to see me harmed, but more than that, he wants to change the evian world. I’m a means to an end. I’m not the end itself, and pretending I am will only hurt us both. “It’s not like you care.”

Edam turns away. “I hope you don’t expect me to go and watch you flirt.”

“I don’t expect you to come at all, Coach Renfro. I wouldn’t dream of asking you to waste any more of your time on my high school drama.”

I turn and head for the car outside, more agitated now that I’ve decided exactly what to do than I was before. Frederick and Lark are waiting when I get there, and neither of them offer criticism or advice. As though Bernard can feel my frustration and anger, he drives fast today, much faster than usual. In fact, in spite of my long discussions, we aren’t even late. But before I go into the school, I pull out my phone and call Inara. She picks up on the first ring.

“Is everything okay?” she asks. “Did you get everything I sent?”

“I did, thanks.”

“How are you?”

“Fine, I guess. Do you still think it’s the right call to name a Consort?”

“I know you’re young, and I know it’s rushed,” she says, “but I do. I really do. I think Mother was right. Alamecha needs you.”

“Well, I’ve decided to do it. I’ll name Edam as my Consort just before our flight leaves.”

“I know it’s hard, Chancy. But without the ring especially, and in the wake of Mother’s passing, Alamecha needs a strong leader. Everyone knows Edam’s an amazing fighter, so even beyond defeating Judica, he’ll strengthen your position.”

“I wish Mom was still here.”

“We all do.”